A child who looks like me

Jiheon heard Young-mi’s voice from outside the hospital room. He had been told that she hadn’t spoken a word to the caregiver today, but hearing her voice, even in such a difficult state, suggested how desperate she must have been.

Yet, Jiheon couldn’t easily accept it. Her voice, her breaths, sounded so pitiful.

In that fleeting moment, memories of his past rushed through his mind. Excluding the three years he had lost, his thirty-three years had always been accompanied by his mother’s voice.

She expressed her love, sought to be loved, and paved his path forward. While it may have been a safe and comfortable road, it was not what Jiheon truly desired.

The mother, who had been so stubborn, suddenly apologized for the past.

Jiheon clenched his fist tightly, which had dropped below his waist.

His lack of sincerity in everything stemmed from his mother’s influence. His negative and cynical attitude had also been shaped by her. Therefore, he found it hard to believe a changing heart.

“Because I’m hurting, please forgive me. Because I’m hurting, please love me.”

If that was her intent, he couldn’t comply.

Even if it wasn’t that, he still couldn’t accept it. He could tell just by the look in Jeong-oh’s eyes when she entered the room that she was equally bewildered by the situation.

Forgiveness also requires time. She thought that there was no need to respond immediately to a surprising apology.

“Overcome this. Get well and apologize again. I will keep waiting.”

Having made the best decision he could, Jiheon held Jeong-oh’s hand.

“I’ll be going now. Don’t skip your meals.”

As Jiheon pulled her hand, Jeong-oh awkwardly tilted her head and said goodbye as they left the room.

The moment they stepped out of the hospital room, Jiheon’s hurried steps, which had seemed angry, became calm by the time they reached the elevator.

However, Jeong-oh’s heart began to stir even more after that. The moment she opened the car door in the parking lot, tears fell.

“What’s wrong? Why are you like this?”

Jiheon, who had maintained a stiff expression the whole time, asked in surprise. Jeong-oh shook her head and sat in the passenger seat.

Jiheon followed her to the driver’s seat and, seeing Jeong-oh’s tears falling, felt unsure of what to do before cautiously asking,

“Is this not okay? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. No…”

Jeong-oh shook her head. She wiped her tears, but they kept flowing.

“Then why?”

She had tried to accept her mother-in-law’s apology. In the moment she was ready to open her heart to respond, Jiheon had walked into the hospital room and voiced the feelings that had long been buried deep within her.

In that brief moment, how many thoughts and worries must have rushed through her mind?

How much pain was she in while saying that?

Jeong-oh had wanted to forgive just for her own comfort, but how scared must Jiheon have been? How frightened must she still be now?

In that urgent situation, Jeong-oh felt grateful and sorry for Jiheon’s decisiveness in articulating what he wanted from his mother, even with a wounded heart. And so, the best thing she could do was simply to say,

“You did well. Thank you.”

Even if the worst situation were to come to his mother, despite his firm belief, even if fate flowed in a way that exceeded his expectations, she wanted him not to regret or blame himself too much. She wanted him not to suffer for too long.

Jeong-oh leaned in and hugged Jiheon.

***

Young-mi had been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. Jeong-oh learned that this illness often appears in people in their fifties to seventies. Until two months ago, she had appeared so healthy, and the rapid decline was due to the word “acute” preceding the diagnosis.

Upon learning about Young-mi’s condition, Jeong-oh felt even more concerned for Jiheon.

In truth, Jiheon seemed unfazed. As always, he jokingly interacted with Guk-soon and was endlessly affectionate toward Ye-na.

His expression while playing Go with Ye-na was no different from usual.

When Jiheon noticed Ye-na placing a piece in an unexpected spot, he pointed it out.

“Why did you put it there?”

“Oops! Dad, it was a mistake. Ye-na made a mistake!”