A child who looks like me

“Happy birthday, Dad! Wake up quickly!”

Sometimes, the sparrow-like child wakes up before me and tries to rouse me.

There are mornings when the name “Dad,” which the child habitually calls out, feels unfamiliar.

The time spent living as a child’s father has been much shorter than the time spent alone, so in dreams, I might take on a carefree form, only to scramble back to my true self when morning comes. The word “Dad” still feels strange but also magical.

I became a father because of those I love.

This was my first birthday as a dad.

For Jihun, it was the beginning of a new life.

He raised his arms to pull Ye-na close and turned his body to the side. Ye-na, who had been sprawled across the bed like a playground plane, was gently guided to the floor by Jihun’s arm.

Ye-na laughed joyfully, as if she were on a ride at an amusement park. Jihun embraced her laughter, holding it close to him.

As he became more alert, memories of Ye-na’s birthday suddenly came rushing back.

It was before he knew anything about Ye-na. He couldn’t honestly express his feelings to Jeong-o, who he was drawn to endlessly, and acted sulky out of jealousy. He behaved harshly, wanting to keep her by his side late into the night. He didn’t realize how much he made her worry, only fulfilling his own selfish desires that day.

Later, he learned that day was Ye-na’s birthday, and he felt an immense regret.

How many more regrets and reflections would he have?

“Let’s not celebrate Dad’s birthday; let’s celebrate Ye-na’s birthday instead.”

Jihun said, holding Ye-na tightly.

“No! It’s Dad’s birthday! You’re suffocating me!”

Ye-na twisted away, unable to withstand Jihun’s embrace.

Thanks to their cheerful morning wrestling, Jihun felt his mind clearing. After waking up in the seaside village, he could almost hear the sound of the waves if he listened closely.

Since Jeong-o and Guk-soon were sleeping in a separate room at Jin-seo’s house, only Jihun and Ye-na were in the tent. It was still dawn, so they couldn’t run around loudly in the yard.

“Shall we go see the ocean, Dad?”

“Yeah!”

Jihun dressed Ye-na warmly and stepped out of the tent with her.

“Ye-na!”

As soon as Ye-na came out, Dobin also emerged from the tent to greet her. Dobin was up early too. Seung-kyu followed, with sleepy eyes and a messy hairstyle.

“Dobin! We’re going to see the ocean; come with us!”

“Okay!”

As Jihun and Ye-na took their stroll, Dobin and Seung-kyu joined them. Holding the children’s hands, they walked as the bluish hue of dawn began to fade. After walking for a while, the sound of waves, carried by the morning breeze, began to grow closer. Ye-na shouted when she saw the ocean.

“Huh? Dad! The tidal flats are gone!”

Because it was high tide, the area that had been mudflats yesterday was now filled with seawater. The rising water made the ocean look quite different from the day before. Dobin appeared even more surprised.

“Did I take all the clams, so the tidal flats disappeared?”

“Seems like it.”

“What do we do now?”

“We have to ask the ocean to return the tidal flats.”

At Seung-kyu’s playful response, Dobin put his hands together in prayer.

“Now I won’t catch clams anymore! Please bring back the tidal flats!”

“Since Dobin prayed, the tidal flats will be back soon.”

While Seung-kyu teased his son, Jihun shared a serious explanation with Ye-na.

“The tidal flats didn’t disappear; the seawater just rose. After some time, the water will recede, and you’ll see the tidal flats you saw yesterday.”

“After some time?”

“Yeah. After some time.”

“How long will it take?”

“Probably by lunchtime.”

“Then let’s come back at lunchtime!”

“Okay. Let’s do that.”

There are no correct answers in parenting. Both children and parents are all different.

Even after suggesting to come back, Ye-na lingered and played for a while longer. The children took off their shoes, stepping into the water, then retreating from the large waves. Ye-na giggled, saying the waves tickled her feet.

.*. *. *. *. *. *.

At the same time.

In the kitchen of Jin-seo’s family home, preparations for breakfast were in full swing. Since Jeong-o, who was pregnant, and Jin-seo were precious daughters, the elders unexpectedly found themselves working the hardest to prepare Jihun’s birthday feast.

As Guk-soon was making seaweed soup, Jin-seo’s mother approached her kindly.

“I heard from Jin-seo that you’re studying these days. I heard you passed the written exam on your first try.”

“That’s true, but there’s so much to learn for the practical exam. Even having cooked my whole life, everything feels new to me.”

Guk-soon shyly expressed her realistic difficulties.

“Trying to study later in life makes me feel like I can’t keep up, and I often think it’s too late for me.”

After nodding at Guk-soon’s concerns for a moment, Jin-seo’s mother spoke.

“Here, they call me the newlywed. It’s not teasing; the people in this neighborhood really think I’m young. I’m the youngest around here.”

“……”

“How do you feel when you hear ‘newlywed’? Even at this age, I want to be spoiled and treated sweetly.”

Everything in the world depends on how one thinks.

Just as the mischievous Dobin grows more mature when praised, Jihun, who once seemed like a naive young man, has transformed into a good father, a good husband, and a reliable son-in-law.

“It’s still not too late. What’s there to worry about for someone as lovely as you? You can take your time and go step by step; nothing is too late.”

“……”

“With your cooking skills and experience, it seems like you should be teaching students, yet you’re continuously learning and challenging yourself. That’s so admirable; you look amazing to me.”

Guk-soon felt energized by Jin-seo’s mother’s encouragement. It was a morning filled with gratitude for having the fortune to gain wisdom from a good relationship.

Soon, Jihun and Ye-na returned from the beach, and a grand birthday feast was set up in the living room. After enjoying a happy meal filled with everyone’s blessings, Jihun approached Guk-soon.

“Mother-in-law, thank you. That was the most delicious seaweed soup I’ve ever had.”

“……”

“But it’s always like this, Mother-in-law; your food is always the best.”

She felt proud of her son-in-law’s gratitude.

Guk-soon thought to herself. Right now must be the most beautiful moment in my life.

.*. *. *. *. *. *.

This birthday, which flowed like an ordinary day, felt like a noisy festive occasion this year. Jihun, who thought he would be happy just giving love to his family, realized that receiving love felt just as delightful.

After the birthday party, receiving gifts from Seung-kyu’s family, and wandering around with the kids, time had flown by.

Before long, it was time to head home. After saying goodbye to the friends they had grown close to, they set off. In the car back to Seoul, Ye-na and Dobin sang, “Let’s come again!” the entire way.

As the car made its way to Seoul amidst the children’s chatter, it felt a bit chaotic. By the time they parted ways with Dobin’s family and returned home, the world had darkened. Ye-na had dinner and fell asleep right away, and Guk-soon also went to bed early.

Jihun quietly followed Jeong-o around, looking for an opportunity. He had something in mind.

He still hadn’t received a gift from Jeong-o. She had been quite busy lately, so she probably hadn’t had the chance to prepare a gift. That situation was useful for Jihun.

‘Where’s my gift? Where is my gift?’

‘Oh no… what should I do?’

‘You didn’t prepare a gift either? Hmph.’

‘I’m sorry, Oppa. Instead, I’ll give you myself as a gift.’

‘Hmph. Then prepare yourself.’

Imagining the desired scenario in his head, Jihun approached Jeong-o and asked.

“Where’s my gift? Where is it?”

“Wait a moment.”

“You didn’t prepare a gift either?”

“Ta-da!”

But it was different from Jihun’s expectations. As soon as Jihun asked about the gift, Jeong-o quickly pulled a box out from under the bed. Jihun, who had been smiling with anticipation, suddenly felt his face stiffen.

“Open it quickly.”

As Jihun opened the box, urged by Jeong-o’s excited voice, his blank expression turned into a sulky one.

The gift prepared by Jeong-o was, after all, food for thought—books. “Leadership for Leading Organizations,” “110 Leadership Tips for Bosses,” “Smart Leadership Saves the Company”, and other titles that were clearly intentional…

“So you thought I was lacking, huh? My leadership skills.”

“I’ll really grab hold of you.”

“I bought this for you because I thought it might help you. Believe it or not, I really picked these out carefully. Out of all those leadership books, this is the best one.”

“Hmph.”

“Hey, don’t you like the gift?”

“No, I like it very much. So you should prepare yourself.”

“Huh?”

“Since you gave me a gift that I really like, I should give something back too.”

Even if the situation turned out differently than expected, Jihun’s destination remained the same. The smile on Jeong-o’s face, which had been slightly mischievous, suddenly froze. Jihun took her cheek in his large hand and lightly tickled her chin with his fingers, causing her eyes to tense up.

“I studied a bit, so it wouldn’t be burdensome for you and our little heartthrob…”

He had even studied for moments like this.

Drrr. Drrr.

Jihun’s plan to wrap up the birthday celebration was interrupted by the intrusion of civilization.

His phone, carelessly left on the bed, began to ring. Jeong-o was the first to recognize the name on the screen—Jihun’s father, Jaekwang. She picked up the phone and handed it to Jihun. He sighed heavily before answering.

“Hello, Father.”

[Oh, right. Um…] “……”

[Happy birthday.] Jaekwang awkwardly wished him a happy birthday. Hearing his father’s shy voice made Jihun’s lips stretch into a long smile.

He didn’t have many memories of receiving birthday wishes from his father. It seemed Jaekwang had called instead of his sick mother, Yeong-mi.

“Thank you.”

[Your mother wants you to know she congratulates you too.] “Is Mother doing alright?”

[She’s getting better. She might be able to be discharged as soon as next week.] “That’s good news.”

[When she gets discharged, bring the whole family over. Bring the in-laws too.] “Okay.”

The call ended simply. After hanging up, Jihun felt a bit heavy. Jeong-o, who quickly noticed the change in his expression, asked.

“Are you okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you want to be congratulated by your parents on your birthday?”

“I’m not a child.”

“Still, you’ll always be their baby.”

Jihun chuckled softly. It wasn’t that he had a desire to be congratulated.

As if sensing that thought, Jeong-o encouraged him.

“Go visit them. It’s been a while since you’ve seen your mother.”

“It’s been too long.”

“It’s not too late. Hurry and go visit her.”

Every time Jihun saw the relationship between Jeong-o and Guk-soon, a corner of his heart felt empty. Even so, he never showed it. Jeong-o wanted to tell her husband that he was also a precious son to his parents.

.*. *. *. *. *. *.

Following Jeong-o’s advice, Jihun went to the hospital.

By chance, he ran into Jaekwang in the hallway. The unexpected visit from his son brightened Jaekwang’s face.

“What brings you here?”

“Jeong-o told me to come.”

“Your mother will be so happy to see you.”

Jaekwang led Jihun to the hospital room.

As the door opened…

“Darling.”

“What do you want to say, calling me so sweetly like that?”

Jaekwang’s voice was softer than usual, and Yeong-mi responded sharply. Though her words were prickly, her tone was slow. Her voice struggled to project her feelings.

Jihun entered the room.

“I’m here.”

Yeong-mi, who had been leaning against the bed with her eyes closed, opened her eyes and turned her head.

Her son had come to visit.

When she recognized the voice, her face contorted. Tears quickly pooled in her eyes.

In that moment, there was a silence where words could not come.

Hiccup. Sob…

After a while, a sob full of meaning escaped her.

Jihun quietly watched his mother’s small shoulders tremble.

No other words were necessary.

The tears flowing from her eyes expressed the regrets and laments in her heart.

“Please forgive me,” “I forgive you…” It was a time when no apologies or permissions were needed.

As time passed in the quiet room, Jihun sat in front of Yeong-mi.

With her eyes red from crying, Yeong-mi gazed at Jihun.

He cautiously opened his mouth.

“I see you in me, Mother.”

Possessiveness, jealousy, an obsessive stubbornness that some might consider excessive.

Even if he wanted to deny it, he couldn’t escape those traits.

He had resented his mother so much, but in reality, he was living just like her. With fierce possessiveness and jealousy, he held onto Jeong-o, confronted his mother with stubbornness, and fought with Cha Eun-yeob to protect his family.

If it hadn’t been for Jeong-o, his innate traits might have hurt someone.

Yeong-mi replied slowly.

“In the past, I would have felt pleased to hear that you take after me.”

“……”

“Now, I wish you wouldn’t.”

My son has become a better person than I am.

I hope he continues to be a better person. I hope he becomes someone different from me.

Having learned about life again, the mother truly wished for this.

“It was really hell not having you.”

Yeong-mi slowly began to share her feelings over the years.

“When you said you would never see me again, it felt like my life was over. Only then did I realize your feelings.”

“……”

“I understood the pain of not being able to see your child.”

“I didn’t really keep in touch even normally.”

“Still, thinking I would never see you again was a world of difference.”

Yeong-mi’s voice quivered.

“I’m sorry.”

“……”

“I’m sorry for blocking your memories.”

Yeong-mi apologized for the past.

Even Jihun’s previously calm eyes began to ripple.

In fact, Jihun hadn’t expected to receive an apology from Yeong-mi. He thought it would be enough if Jeong-o received one.

“My poison has hurt you too much.”

It was love, but it was poison, and although it was poison, it was still love—poisonous love.

He received an apology for the constraints that had bound him. From his mother.

“Now, if I make a mistake, will you tell me?”

“……”

“Can you tell me? Because I don’t know very well.”

The strength in Yeong-mi’s voice trembled. The desperate apology that created emotional ripples was painful to accept.

“Will you give me a chance to start over?”

Before long, tears resembling Yeong-mi’s began to well up in Jihun’s eyes.

Like droplets of dew growing on leaves, swelling in the sunlight, and then bursting, they gathered and then flowed down.

The wall of ice was slowly melting.

The heart had always been there, lingering and waiting for the locked door to open.

In the quiet hospital room.

Jihun watched his mother fall asleep and eventually dozed off himself.

In his dream, a butterfly appeared. No, it felt like he had become a butterfly. His body felt light.

The butterfly flitted around a flower garden, soaring up to find a flower it had loved long ago.

The butterfly’s wings settled on a day from seven years ago.

The day he was preparing to propose. The day his heart fluttered at the thought of introducing Jeong-o to his mother.

“Don’t worry about me, just rest. I’ll come by soon. I have a friend I want to introduce you to.”

[What? Who?] “I’ll get in touch again.”

And the night before.

The night he learned that Jeong-o was pregnant, a night filled with excitement and nervousness.

“I’m sorry. You probably have so many things you want to do, but I’m holding you back.”

[I thought you would dislike it.] “How could I dislike it? I just feel sorry for you.”

The voice of the person he loved, and his own gentle voice, resembling that of his beloved, felt like a soft breeze. The butterfly took to the air once more.

And then, how they had loved.

“I felt intimidated because you’re prettier than me. Can’t you be a little less pretty?”

“What are you talking about? You’re so much prettier.”

Again, how they had met.

“Excuse me. You’re Korean, right?”

“……”

“I’m the person who bumped into you earlier. I was wondering if you were hurt badly.”

Seven years ago, on a street in Melbourne.

That day, when he had stumbled upon a beautiful girl who burst into tears while searching for a ten-dollar bill she had dropped on the ground, the butterfly guided Jihun back to that moment.

As naturally as the tidal flats, submerged in high tide, emerged as the tide receded.

Twenty-six-year-old Jeong Ji-hun greeted him.

Twenty-five, twenty-four-year-old young Jeong Ji-hun also welcomed him.

Hello. You’re back.

I’ve been waiting all this time.

Thank you for coming back in time.

Happy birthday.