All The Time Lost

June couldn't understand why Thomas insisted on being a part of her life. She worked hard to make sure they crossed path as little as possible. She did her best not to ever approach the places he frequented. And when she did meet him, she kept her distance and spoke only the necessary.

She couldn't help the fear eating at her whenever she stood in his presence. It was baseless and unreasonable. Thomas showed how courteous he was and he really did his best to make her comfortable. And yet, everytime she looked at him, she was thrown back into a courtroom seventeen years ago and she saw him look down, avoid her eyes and testify against her, explain to everyone how unhealthy, how overbearing and dirty her love was. Not in so much words, but that's how everyone summed it up.

She hadn't gone to prison because she had murdered someone. She had gone to prison because she had loved too much too wrong.

Julian had insisted to invite her out this time. Her son was so eager to make up for everything she had missed on, she couldn't bear to refuse him. She had been recognized many times during this last semester, but apart from the few people who dared trip her and push her around, people had mostly grown tired of spitting on her and insulting her. She was hopeful this would go well.

She arrived half an hour early and ordered a cup of tea to calm her nerves. When a shadow fell upon her, she froze.

« It's good to see you, » the elder man greeted her and June felt a wave of relief crash through her.

« Dr Erting, » she smiled kindly.

This man was one of the voluntary gynecologist rotating at the prison. He was also the one who helped her give birth to the twin. She would never forget the absolute judging silence in which she gave birth, the midwives' glares and cold, brusque hands on her as she shouted in pain and begged for help. Dr Erting had been called to assist because twin pregnancies had more risk. He was the fourth doctor called and the first one to agree. Unfortunately, he only arrived after the end, while the midwives took her children away withot allowing her a look, even less a touch. He had comforted her and murmured gentle support as he stitched her up.

He only started volunteering at the penitentiary a few years later but with how hated she was, she often ended up in the infirmary. She was lucky when it was him who received her, he always had a nice smile and warm words of advice for her despite everything that was said about the crazy teenager who burned her rival alive.

« How are you ? » He asked with a worried look in his eyes.

« Please sit, » she immediately offered before thinking maybe the respected doctor did not want to be seen with her. Before she could correct herself, he was happily sliding in the booth. Dr Herting was in his late fifties but still quite attractive. He had greying hair now but it only added to his charisma.

« Did you meet your children ? » His eyes twinkled in joy as she beamed.

« I'm waiting for my son, » June couldn't help but answer proudly. « Elizabeth… She doesn't want me in her life but at least I know she's doing great and I get to catch glimpses of her here and there. »

« If only she knew all you've been through… » The doctor's expression turned somber.

« Please, » June cut him off. « I don't deserve a quarter of my current happiness. It's more than enough. »

« I apologize, » the doctor sighed and reached out to pat her hand. « If you need anything, please, don't hesitate. »

« Thank you, » she answered truthfully.

Julian ran in a few minutes after the doctor left.

« Hey mom, » he kissed her cheek and no matter how many times he did that, she could never get used to the rush of happiness it elicited.

« I ordered ahead, » she looked over and found the waitress carrying half of their order over.

« Mom, no, I'm inviting you today, » Julian complained.

« Please, you know how much I like feeding you, » she smiled pushed the plates of pancakes in front of him.

« Is it breakfast or lunch ? » Julian sighed but picked his fork.

« Brunch ? » June allowed herself to lean forward and brush his hair away with her fingers.

« Alright, » Julian grinned. « If you're paying then I'm cooking this week end. »

« Alright, » June easily agreed.

They were almost finished when Thomas walked in.

June felt him the second he did and tensed. She prayed for him to ignore them, people may not pay her much attention but every eyes were stuck to him and she had no wish to bring them over her.

Unfortunately, his somber features, she had noticed he always looked cold and untouchable as he walked around, melted into a small but warm smile the second he noticed them and he immediately ditched his party to join them.

« Hello, » he greeted and pushed his son to slide in next to him.

« Hey ! » Julian complained but allowed the intrusion.

« How are you doing ? » he kept his intense gaze on her while she looked down at her cup.

« You rude asshole- Oh, » June raised her head to look at the newcomer.

He was tall and muscled though nowhere near Thomas, and his whole visible skin, apart from his face, was covered in tattoos. He was quite good-looking and she couldn't shake the feeling that she had seen him somewhere before.

« Sawyer ? » She wondered out loud.

« Hey mini J, » he greeted with a smirk and the second his dimples popped out she recognized him. He and Thomas had been best friends forever and he always treated her with respect though he liked to make fun of them for being too lovey-dovey. He was hot-headed and got into fights at every corner but he was kind.

He was even kind while standing at the bar and explaining why she had probably been overcome with emotions, that she was a nice but over-sensitive girl, that she may had been too far in love but that she was only seventeen. He had tried to help but his words had only been used to bury her deeper. He probably saw something wrong on her face because he chuckled awkwardly before turning to Thomas. « Autumn is waiting for me so I'll go first. It's good to see you June. »

She could only nod, her throat too tight to answer.

« You can leave too, dad, » Julian playfully elbowed him but Thomas was too focused on June to pay him any attention.

« My grandparents are throwing a little party for their seventeenth birthday, » he told her.

« Yes, of course, I was going to invite them but only after you celebrated it together, » June rushed to say. She understood that the family who raised them had more rights than her.

« Actually, they invited you too, » Thomas frowned.

« Oh, » June let out and her eyes widened in surprise. She didn't know how to react though she realized she could absolutely not attend.

« I was going to invite her myself, » Julian sighed. « Please, mom, it'll be something small. Just Pa, Ma, dad, uncle Max, uncle Sawyer and Autumn, their sons, Elizabeth, her best friend Ruth and me. »

« What about you best friend ? » She asked while her brain heated up searching for a good excuse.

« The guys prepared an escape room the day before and we'll crash at Matthew to catch a movie over pizzas, » he beamed at her and it warmed her how well her son was doing. « This year we kept it small, » he added and he didn't need to say it for her to understand why. It was all so that she could attend.

« I don't want to ruin your birthday, » she smiled sadly.

« Your absence would ruin it, » Julian insisted.

« I don't want to ruin my daughter's birthday, » she looked down at the table.

« We asked her opinion of course, » Thomas cut in, his tone so determined she wondered if Julian had thrown a tantrum over it. But she quickly erased the silly idea.

« Really ? » June couldn't help but be hopeful.

« Really, » Thomas caught her eyes and smiled. « Julian asked her himself. »

June Realized Elizabeth had agreed for her brother's sake, they were close and he had probably told her how much it would mean to him.

She was selfish and shameless but the idea of spending any amount of time with both her children, not matter that one still wouldn't look at her, was not something she could bear to miss.

« Alright, if you're sure Mr and Mrs Oswald won't mind… »

« They won't, » Thomas answered firmly before his son finally had enough and sent him away. « This saturday, one o'clock. Do you remember their place ? No, better, I'll pick you up- »

« No, it's okay, I remember, » she stopped him, just the idea of being alone with him making her anxious.

« You're sure ? It's no- »

« Dad, » Julian groaned. « Let me enjoy brunch with my mom please. »

« Okay, okay, » he frowned down at his son. « But just in case, give me your number- »

« Dad ! » Julian saved the day again and June wanted to kiss him.

Thomas glared at him but reluctantly left.

—

Thomas mumbled about spoilt brat under his breath and made his way back to his car. He cursed behind his wheel and took out his phone. He already had her number of course, but it wasn't like he could use it since he had no excuse as to how he had gotten it yet.

His mood took a nosedive as his phone rung and he picked up the unknown caller.

Thomas didn't do relationship, he couldn't. But once, when the kids were around twelve, he had tried for their sake. Ma and Lizzy had been so insistent, he relented. He figured he owed it to them to try at least. Mary was the target they set their eyes on. Pretty brunette who worked as a teacher at Lizzy's school. She was kind and though it was too hard to get Thomas to crack a smile, she didn't seem to mind his aloofness, so he tried. It took him a month to realize he couldn't do it, the second she tried to stay over he knew he would never allow it, it took three more months to get his girls to give up and let it go. Almost five years later and she still showed up now and then.

Saturday took its sweet little time to come.

He was nervously checking the time every few minutes but the few times he had approached the door, his Ma, Julian or whoever else had always found a reason to drag him back inside. It was only at one o'clock sharp that he marched over determined and annoyed, and nobody dared to stop him this time. He threw the door open and almost ran her over in his precipitation.

« Wow, » he instinctively reached out to steady her and felt the familiar electricity buzz under his skin from every single point of contact. Fuck, he had missed this feeling.

All too soon, it was over. She blushed, stuttered an apology and pushed out of his arm. She walked down the three small steps of the porch as if their proximity was a lethal danger and Thomas was left to struggle with the need to drag her back in his arms, still high on the feeling of her.

« H-hello ! » She greeted and damn she was so beautiful it hurt.

She had let her wavy hair down and the sun hit them just right to bring back the golden colour. She wore a long camel summer dress with a light long-sleeved, white cardiagn and a pair of old but clean white converse. She had put some light gloss on and something shiny over her cheek bones. He wanted to keep her to himself. Hide away and fix everything that had gone wrong between them.

« You're beau-»

« Mom ! Finally ! » Julian cut him off and Thomas had never ever been so annoyed with his son.

« Am I late ? » June's whole face shifted and the intense anxiety turned into warm affection. The sharp contrast gutted him.

« Being on time is already being late, » Julian recited what Thomas always said and he saw the sad recognition in June's eyes before she blinked it away. « Come on ! »

« Right, sorry, » June hesitated and he saw her take a deep breathe to fortify herself before passing him by.

Thomas followed them inside, unable to tear himself away even though he knew how uncomfortable he made her feel. He stood over her shoulder, menacing and daring anyone to insult her, ready to step in if someone stepped out of line. It was all close family but Thomas knew apart from Julian and himself, nobody else wanted her there.

He met his Ma's eyes and the old lady glared at him but put on her most polite expression before turning to greet June.

« Thank you for having me over, » June said in a soft voice before taking a pie out of the bag she carried. « I hope you still like lemon pie. »

« I do, » Thomas saw his grandma frown as she took the pie. She hadn't supported their relationship, had been against it even, but she had still liked June. Before everything.

« Hello, June, » Pa came over and greeted her neutrally before taking his wife's hand to guide her away.

« Come, I'll introduce you to everyone, » Julian took his mother's hand and went out to the garden.

Sawyer, Autumn and their kids, James, seventeen too and Charlie, nine, all greeted her warmly. Max had never met her before, becoming friends with Thomas on a tour in Iraq, but he had heard the whole story, however Max being Max just nodded at her before heading to the barbecue. June looked hopefully at Elizabeth but their daughter had tugged her best friend as far away as she could and Julian smiled sadly before dragging his mom to sit on one of the chair around the big table.

Thomas was about to sit down right next to her when Sawyer called him over to where he was grilling steaks. He glared but couldn't ignore him without making June uncomfortable.

« What is it asshole ? » He crossed his arms and glared down at his best friend.

« You're scaring her, » Sawyer jerked his chin to where June sat on her own, fidgeting and looking ready to bolt any instant.

« You dumbass, I'm keeping her company, » Thomas accepted the beer bottle Max opened for him.

« Nah, pretty sure you're the thing that scares her most here, » Sawyer shrugged.

Thomas wanted to refute with all his being but there was no ignoring the way she tensed every time he approached her or how she looked like she would be dragged back to jail the second she looked him in the eyes. But he couldn't make himself stay away.

« I'll give her some time, » he glared at his friend but stayed to help man the grill.

Nobody but Julian and Autumn, bless her soul, made any effort to engage June in conversation but all in all the afternoon was a success. Lizzy kept her distance but she wasn't rude nor went out of her ways to pick a fight. June didn't relax once but she stayed and that was more than enough. Everything was great until came time to open presents.

The twins were spoiled. They each got a car and a few other junks kids their age liked. Thomas regretted offering his gifts here and not in private when he caught the shameful look crossing June's face as she waited until it was her turn to offer hers. The table turned silent as she timidly pushed her presents toward the kids.

Julian beamed as he opened his.

« No way ! How did you get them so fast ? I'm still on the wait list ! » He shouted excitedly.

« Show us ! » James exclaimed in curiosity.

Julian proudly pulled out a pair of customized sneakers. The pair of Air Force was white but styled black and grey flames and small shadow characters were painted all around.

« I painted it myself, » June smiled shyly.

« No shit ! » Julian's jaw dropped.

« You're amazing ! » James exclaimed as he took one of the shoe to look closer. « I want one too ! »

June blushed at the compliment and happily welcomed her son in her arms as he thanked her again.

Then they all turned towards Lizzy who was glaring at the small parcel in front of her. Ruth elbowed her discreetly and she finally opened it under everyone's curious eyes. It was a jewelry box, from a brand he remembered buying something for her when she turned sixteen last year. It was popular and far from cheap. Thomas looked at June and Realized how much she tried her best for her children. This was a woman who pedaled an hour back and forth every day of the week, cleaned up after people's mess and only ate a meal a day, and she had just spent a few hundred bucks of hard earned money on her children's birthday presents.

« Lily-of-the-valleys are your birth flowers, » June explained softly. « It represents h- »

« Where did you get the money to buy this ? » Lizzy cut her off harshly before closing the jewelry box and tossing it on the table. « Mugged someone for it ? »

Everyone was shocked into silence while June tried to compose herself and her whole face twitched with the effort to hold her tears back.

« I-I'm working… »

« Don't forget you're here for Julian and stay away from me, » Lizzy crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the woman who had turned pale with mortification.

« I'm sorry, » June said in the lowest voice and got up. « Happy birthday, » she looked at Julian who got up and followed her as she went back inside.

« Elizabeth, » Thomas called his daughter out in a furious but calm tone.

« Thomas, » his grandmother tried to intervene.

« No, » he cut her off. « This is between my daughter and me. »

« What ? Did I say anything wrong ? This is at least two hundred bucks and she's fresh out of jail, » Lizzy scoffed.

« Do you know how hard she works to offer you all this ? That you throw the food she send over is something but this ? » Thomas got up from his seat. « She rides her bike to work every morning at four o'clock, an hour later, she's scrubbing bathroom and folding sheets until one pm when she climbs her bicycle to make the journey back. This is not just two hundred bucks, this is her sweat and tears. »

Lizzy frowned but didn't answer.

June and Julian were long gone by the time Thomas opened the front door. He called his son but didn't get a reply so he climbed in his car instead and drove over to the trailer park. He waited for half an hour before they appeared. June looking miserable but still smiling in reassurance at her worried son. They stopped when he climbed out of his car.

« You're okay ? » He asked June who avoided his eyes.

« Yes, of course, everything's fine, » she rushed to say.

« It's not fine mom, she didn't have to be such a bitch about it, » Julian frowned.

« Julian, » June opened wide eyes at him and it was the first time in the eight months since she came back that he saw her scolding him. « Don't talk like that about your sister ! »

« But- »

« No but ! She's your sister and my daughter I won't allow anyone to talk about her this way, » she sternly cut him off. « Look, » she softened as he glared down at the ground. « She's entitled to her anger and I'm sure you know it better than anyone else. It really is alright. It's just a piece of metal, not a kidney. »

« She still shouldn't have spoken to you like that, » Thomas cut in.

« Maybe not, » June shrugged. « But I'm not going to hold something she says in anger at seventeen over her. »

Thomas felt like he was slapped in the face.

He was thrown back in court, almost eighteen years ago. A trembling, terrified June sat next to her court-appointed lawyer and looked at him like he was tearing her heart open as he acknowledged that she had threatened Kelly before.

« June… » He desperately wanted to gather her in his arms. For what ? He didn't know but he needed it.

« I think you should go back to the party, » she turned to Julian and slid her arms around his torso. She hadn't ever gotten to hold him and he was already almost two heads taller than her.

Julian went into the car silently after promising to spend the next day with her but Thomas remained rooted in place, aching and longing. She didn't give him time to gather his wits before running inside her small house.