Come Back

Viewing Earth from space.

A huge celestial body that looked like a blue sun. It took some time to realize that it was Earth.

It is not a peaceful blue star like a small bead. Its overwhelming size and speed are so frightening that it feels like it will leave its orbit at any moment and rush at me at a speed of 110,000 km/h.

There is no breath of wind around me, no vibration of sound. There is only the scene I see, like a muted TV screen.

Is this a dream?

No, if it was a dream, I would have been able to see myself. Like watching a movie.

I raise my hand to confirm 〈I〉. But there is no hand I can raise. I lower my head, but I cannot look down at my body. In the first place, there is no head that I can lower. And yet, I am clearly looking at the sight and recognizing it. What am I?

In an instant, a different place unfolds.

This time, the view is full of people. Men and women dressed in fancy clothes are laughing and chatting while drinking in the open space under the night sky. Everyone looks happy and carefree. Like people in music videos or commercials, they are completely happy now.

I know that there is no such thing as a person who lives without any worries. But I have always envied other people and their lives. It was like that even before I realized that I was ruining my own life.

The me who looks the happiest is always the me on TV.

Pretending not to be tired, pretending to be innocent, pretending that the love of fans is everything, pretending to live honestly in a bright and healthy world where common sense prevails…

Sometimes I had the illusion that I was really completely happy while smiling in front of the camera. I even thought that I would rather be filming something 24 hours a day. I didn’t want to go back to my life behind the camera, and I liked my life in front of the camera screen better.

The people you see here now also look artificially happy, as if it were a staged scene.

The surrounding area is densely packed with brightly lit high-rise buildings. This is clearly a large city. Yet, as in space, no sound can be heard.

No one recognizes me. It can’t be helped. I still have neither a body nor a voice.

【There it is, over there! The barricade in front of the railing!】

Suddenly, only one voice is heard clearly. It is a young student who looks like a tourist, wearing shorts and a cross-body bag. Cross-body, with an excited face, looks around the group and points somewhere with the tip of his finger. However, the group following behind, wearing ball caps, looks uninterested.

【Where did that K-pop star jump off from?】

【I see people are lining up to take pictures in front of me! Let’s go and take some too!】

【What good is taking a picture of a place where someone jumped to their death? The line is too long.】

Despite his sullen face, the ball cap followed the lead of the cross bag. I could still only hear the conversation between the two of them.

I suddenly look around again.

A skyscraper with luxurious decorations and lighting on the rooftop of a high-rise building, shining brightly from all sides.

I, without a body, finally realized where I was.

The two men who had already reached the end of the line were looking down at the city beyond the barricade. The one in the ball cap frowned and shivered.

【How toxic must a person be to think of jumping off here? Ugh, that’s horrible!】

Yes, this is Bangkok, Thailand.

It was the rooftop bar on the 32nd floor where I jumped.

Let’s be clear about it, limbs that don’t even exist are shaking.

At the same time, all the noises start to come in at once: the screeching noise of cars on the road, the honking of horns, the DJ’s music at a high volume, people laughing and talking.

It is not just the noise of the city. Someone’s cries, a plea for forgiveness, a curse of jealousy and envy, a joyful exclamation and emotion, a whisper of love intoxicated with sweetness… this is all the sounds of the world.

I was in complete silence, but in an instant, I was thrown into the seething noise. I covered my nonexistent ears and screamed with a voice that could not burst out. With my voicelessness that could not reach anyone.

Soon all sounds fade away.

This time, everything you see is undulating and rippling, as if you’re underwater. The sounds you hear are also refracted, as if you’re hearing sounds from underwater and out of the water.

Where is this place?

A human figure floats around in a room blocked by walls. As you focus your consciousness, the flow of the waves becomes calmer and your vision becomes clearer.

It was an unfamiliar room with four people sitting across from each other across a sofa table.

Mumble, mumble, mumble.

The sound of people’s voices gradually breaks up and becomes audible.

【Don’t you ever think about cutting off one of your limbs? . You had no choice but to jump… … You wanted to push it away over and over again… … Don’t you?】

The words coming out of the mouth of the man sitting this way are partially transmitted through the waves. The man leans his upper body toward someone sitting across from him and continues speaking.

【If something like that happened to someone I love, I would… … not be able to forgive them… … not just by paying them… … but by legal punishment alone… … JI

I slowly move forward as if I were swimming in water. It’s not easy. It’s like being submerged in a very deep ocean with strong pressure. The man’s words also cut off and continue intermittently, like a radio that’s not on the right frequency.

Finally, we approached the sofa where four people were sitting around.

The first thing I noticed was the face of the man who was facing me. It was a face that anyone with even a passing interest in the Korean economy or upper-class social circles would recognize. He was the second son of the late Hanseo Group Chairman Lee Woo-yeol.

And sitting next to that man was an unexpected person. One of the few people I could open my heart to and trust in my entire life. Actor Jung Ji-in. My friend’s older brother…

I don’t know why my brother is here with that man, but my soul aches when I see his familiar face in front of me.

‘I’ll go see you. I can’t stay long, but I can take a day or two off.’

My brother had promised to come to Bangkok to see me, but I didn’t wait for him to keep his promise.

‘Hongseo, let’s hold on. As time passes, situations change, and things that seem hopeless now may have an opening… If we hold on, we can seize opportunities. Let’s hold on. Okay?’

Even the kind words my brother had said to me could not hold my ankles firmly to the ground as I leaped into the air.

I wanted to see my brother’s face more clearly, which seemed to have gotten noticeably pale.

At that moment, a new voice appeared and stopped me.

【I can’t say it’s not a tempting offer.】

I know whose voice it is.

If I had eyes right now, I would have frozen with my eyelids wide open without even blinking. No, I would have shut them tightly.

【But, I am not the victim.】

A soft, low voice followed, wrapped in a calm and firm tone. Husky, and a little tired-sounding…

This time, it’s not just a pain in the soul. It’s a pain that feels like the soul itself will be torn apart and torn apart, just like the body that has disappeared.

Pain? Did I have the right to suffer? I didn’t even have the right to look at his face.

【Her social reputation has already been tarnished. Mr. X… Even if it’s true that she really did do that, if it hadn’t come to light that way, things wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Then the most correct thing I can do now is… At the very least, it would be to reveal to the world what Lee Seo-kyung did. They say she engaged in prostitution and received sexual favors… Doesn’t it make sense that there is only a provider and no recipient?】

But I, being greedy, dare to look at him. His face sways between the waves flowing between him and me.

The lines of his facial features were firm, but the expression surrounding them was always soft. No, was it a face that became soft only when he looked at me?

He sucks on the filter of the cigarette he was holding in his hand. Cigarettes… He’s smoking again. You said you had a hard time quitting. Because of me? Because I left like that?

【Personal revenge is not for her or anything. It’s just me venting my anger.】

I know what he’s talking about.

While listening to their conversation, I remembered again the reason why I ‘jumped’ from the rooftop bar on the 32nd floor.

X-Army scandal.

He says, for my sake, I will also reveal to the world the sins of the ‘higher powers’ involved in that scandal.

How could you say such a thing? I made such a selfish choice. I thought you would hate me, despise me, and want to ‘poisonously’ erase all memories related to me.

I want to get closer to him. I want to see his face more clearly. I want to ask for his forgiveness, and I want to feel that special feeling of him looking at me just once more.

Why didn’t I disappear?

If this was the afterlife, or somewhere in between this world and the afterlife, even here, ‘existence’ was suffering. Even here, one had to take responsibility for one’s choices and the consequences that followed.

I was responsible for the choices I made to escape by disappearing. By keeping all my memories intact, by not forgetting anything, and by watching the suffering of those who were precious to me.

Just as I try to push through the waves and approach him, everything disappears from my sight once again. His face blurs and dissipates.

This time it’s in the dark.

I can’t hear any sound, I can’t see anything. I can only feel the current flowing around me and enveloping me, the sensation of the waves. I’m in deep, heavy water where no light reaches.

So am I a god?

A spiritual being that looks down on the Earth from space without a form, and transcends time and space. Did I become a god when I died?

I slowly look around in the same darkness, and suddenly I realize that I am not breathing. As soon as I realize that, I feel a suffocating pain. Since I have no body, I cannot breathe and I do not need to breathe. But I feel suffocated and struggle without a body.

No matter how much I try to sleep, sleep seems far away.

No matter how much I scream, my voice doesn’t reach anyone.

There’s no way he could become a god. A soul that abandoned the person who said he loved her and took his own life as a cowardly means of escape could not be reborn as a god.

【News about actress Yoon Hye-an, formerly of the idol group ‘Titan.’】

As if given as a hint little by little, a voice is heard again from somewhere. I desperately try to find the direction of the sound by shaking my arms and legs, or rather, what feels like my arms and legs. I listen to the unsteady voice that continues mixed with confusion and noise.

[Ms. Yoon Hye-an jumped from Dongho Bridge last April and was found on Bamseom Island, right? She was in a coma for several months, causing much grief to many people. This afternoon, Ms. Yoon Hye-an miraculously regained consciousness.]

Above my head, in the distance, I began to see a light shaking the surface of the water… If I could just reach there, I would be able to breathe… Even a body that doesn’t exist can get tired, so I slowly began to sink.

I never thought I would feel the helplessness of just watching the fading light and hope again. It was worse than suffocation.

【We’re back to this case again.】

The sound, coming from an unknown source, continues to rumble, regardless of my excruciating pain.

Let’s stop struggling and slowly sink into deeper darkness. The light is fading away.

【Yes, it is shocking. At 2:44 PM today, Bangkok local time, Lee Seo-kyung, former managing director of Nox Hotel & Resort, was murdered.】

In that moment when my vision blurred, a force grabbed me. A force that wrapped me tightly and pulled me in all at once.

Like a fish being pulled up helplessly, its mouth impaled on a merciless hook, I rise toward the light.

The moment you jump up above the water…

I was finally breathing.