Death is a Girl

Chapter 89 - Distance

“Come over here, kid, let me look at you,” her mom said.

Morrigan forced a smile and approached slowly. She flinched when her mom took her hand and looked up at her. Morrigan focused on maintaining her glamour, worried about how closely her mom was scrutinizing her, afraid she might see through it.

“You haven’t been eating right, have you? And what’s with all the black?”

Morrigan shrugged a shoulder. “Fashion change.”

“You told me you were staying at a friend’s house for a few days, then you never came back.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I just… I don’t know, things came up, and I guess I didn’t realize how much time had passed. Even when I knew you were looking for me, I kept putting it off, thinking I’d come back the next day. Then I heard about what happened to you and…”

Her mom glanced down at her bandaged wrists guiltily. “Yeah… Sorry, kiddo.” That's all she said. She didn’t make any excuses, didn't even try to explain herself. That’s how she always was, though. Morrigan remembered a time when she drank too much, and they had a huge fight. The next morning, she said sorry in the exact same way. But this time, Morrigan felt like she wasn’t the one owed an apology or an explaination—it was the other way around.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just disappeared like that. I should have at least called or sent a letter—anything. But I didn’t. That was messed up… I wish I could take it back.”

“Hey, I’m just glad you’re okay.”

After that, a long silence hung in the room. Morrigan didn’t really know what to say. Even under normal circumstances, she had trouble talking to her mom. Now, as the silence dragged on, she found herself unable to come up with any words. Should she bring up a happier memory? Any that exited seemed to slip from her mind. Should she ask her mom why she did it? That would just make things more uncomfortable.

“Got a new job,” her mom eventually said, breaking the silence.

“Oh yeah… I saw… I mean, heard.”

“Saw that video that little dweeb took of me, huh? I really should have just grabbed his camera and smashed it. Doubt he could’ve stopped me,” a faint smile touched her lips, though her eyes remained distant, a blank quality to them as she stared forward.

“Uh… yeah,” Morrigan tried to smile. She was still having trouble opening her mouth and saying things. Instead, she just watched her mom, who stared ahead with a slightly dreamy expression. She seemed a lot like her normal self, but different. Maybe it was because she looked so weak right now. Her face didn’t frown so much as sag, as if even holding a neutral expression was too much effort.

Saffron eventually spoke up, apparently deciding they’d all suffered the uncomfortable silence long enough. “Well, the nice thing is everyone turned out okay. So, you two can just start thinking about the future now.”

“Oh right. You taking my kid from me?” Anna asked. “Just give it to me straight.”

Morrigan raised an eyebrow as she looked between her mom and Saffron. Morrigan wasn’t sure if they gave her drugs or it was just her weakened state but she did seem different.

Saffron cleared her throat. “Well… we’ll discuss things another time. For now, Morrigan’s in a safe place, and you just need to focus on getting better.”

“Don’t dodge the question,” Anna said, relaxing into the bed a bit more. Morrigan wasn’t sure if they’d given her drugs or if it was just her weakened state, but she definitely seemed different.

“Things aren’t decided. I think, considering Morrigan’s age and independence, some options might be open to us, but I don’t really know right now. And going on that, do you have any relatives that Morrigan can stay with for the time being?”

“Nobody,” her mom said instantly.

Morrigan stepped back and leaned against the wall. She stared at the ceiling, letting her mind zone out. This conversation didn’t really matter. She was a reaper. Whatever decisions they made would be undercut by the fact that living a normal teenager’s life was too inconvenient for her. She planned to stick around the shelter for now, at least until she helped Pepper’s situation, but other than that, she had no intentions of playing along with CPS.

Maybe if she could go back to living with her mom, she’d do that for a while… but what would that even be like? Could she just go to school and continue as normal, pretending to still be alive?

She looked down again when Saffron addressed her, but she had no idea what she said.

“Forget it,” Anna said to Saffron, Morrigan not entirely sure what she was responding to. “Can I just have some alone time with my kid?”

Saffron glanced at Grant, who shrugged a shoulder. Then she turned her attention to Morrigan and asked, “Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah, of course,” Morrigan said, rolling her eyes.

Once they were alone, Anna gave her a weak grin. “So I heard you’ve been scamming some old guy.”

“I wasn’t scamming him,” Morrigan said defensively.

“I know, I know. You’re not like that.” She let out a breath, staring at her own bandaged arm. “I had two thoughts when you were gone. One was that something happened to you, and you were never coming back. The other was… well… what it turned out to be. You found something you liked better, so you were just sticking around somewhere else.”

Morrigan stared at her. This felt so surreal now. Her old life had felt like a distant memory. She still had some connections to it, mostly in the form of Emma, but even with Emma, their relationship had drastically changed. She wasn’t that old Morrigan, the one her mom thought she was. For a moment, standing in this hospital room, looking at her mother—weak and just twenty-four hours past a suicide attempt—she felt like she was peeking into someone else’s life.

But there was a lingering sense of responsibility for that life. She had been that Morrigan, and she wasn’t actually dead. She could have been, but she wasn’t. So, she still owed the old Morrigan’s life some closure. She just didn’t know how to do that.

“Don’t think so hard,” her mom said, her gaze not moving from her own arm during the long silence. “Just say what you want to say.”

Morrigan clicked her teeth, her eyes drifting away. “I don’t know. I mean.” She took a breath. “Why?”

“Why’d I do this? I don’t really know. It made sense at the time, I guess.”

Morrigan couldn’t help shaking her head and scoffing. That was such a typical response from her mother.

Anna let out a deep breath. “That’s it, really. I had a few bad days in a row. I’ve been thinking about it… and I guess it just started to make sense to me. Either you were gone and it didn’t matter, or you’d be just fine or even better off without me. So, there wasn’t really anything left. One morning, I was supposed to go to work but didn’t.”

Morrigan cautiously returned her eyes to her mom. She tried to look at her—really look at her. How was she feeling right now? Would she have preferred it worked and she wasn’t here right now? Did she have some dream where Morrigan herself had disappeared to a beach somewhere and was living a perfect life while she was just… gone?

“Don’t…” The word slipped out of Morrigan’s mouth without any conscious decision to say it. Her head pounded suddenly, pressure building behind her eyes. She didn’t know what to say. Words never worked well for her. When it came to her mom, the only thing that ever made things easier was just yelling, but she didn’t want to yell right now. So she didn’t say anything.

Anna inhaled through her nose, her eyes drifting up as she leaned back. “Sometimes I think there’s an angel or something watching out for me.”

Morrigan blinked through her tears, not understanding.

“A coworker got worried when I didn’t show up for my shift. Apparently, based on the way I’d been acting, she had a bad feeling. Can you believe she just left when they were already short-staffed? Called 911 on her way, then broke in and found me before they arrived. I don’t remember any of that; that’s just what they told me. I had thought the next time I opened my eyes, I’d be somewhere else, in a different world or something. I don’t know how it works. But I opened my eyes, and I was here, and…” She smiled as tears suddenly streamed down her face. “I’m here, and so are you. I got to see you again. I wouldn’t have if I really…”

Despite the small room, the distance felt impossible to overcome. Yet, Morrigan’s legs moved all the same. It was only two, maybe three steps. Morrigan wasn’t used to being comforted or comforting anyone in return. Even her warmest memories were notably isolated. Christmas morning was ‘well, at least she tried,’ and not much more than that. But that was still something.

Morrigan remembered the cat. The one she would feed on her way to school. She remembered bringing it to her mom after it had gotten hit by a car. She begged her to do something to save it, but it was already too late. Instead, they buried it, and Morrigan cried as her mom kneeled behind her and draped an arm over her shoulders.

Her mom probably felt the same way back then as Morrigan felt now. She didn’t know how to do this, to show someone she cared and let them know they were not alone. It’s unnatural if you’re not used to it. But the difference is her mom at least tried, and more than once. Morrigan never really tried to understand her mom, never gave her the benefit of the doubt or any credit for anything she’s done. Now realizing she could have lost the chance to ever do that made her understand. Time was not unlimited. Even if she was effectively immortal herself now, time only moved in one direction. If she didn’t learn to think things through and see the bigger picture, she was going to miss these important moments and then live with that guilt for as long as she could stand being a reaper.

So, she hugged her. Morrigan put both arms around her as best as she could. After a moment, she felt a single arm from her mom return the hug. “Sorry I scared you,” Anna said.

Morrigan shook her head, remaining in the embrace. She was crying. “Just don’t die. Don’t think I don’t care. I do! I don’t want to lose you, Mom!”

Anna rubbed her back. “I’m going to be alright. I promise.”

Morrigan sobbed hearing those words, holding onto her mom in a way she never had before.

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