Harry Potter: The Witty Wizard

"Did you all get that? Dumbledore award me, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Neville Longbottom with the most ridiculous amount of points. Fair enough for what Neville did, but it should still never have been that many points. But he awarded us other three for flat out breaking school rules!

"And he awarded me points - for killing a man!

"I'm sure you can all see there's something mighty fishy going on here."

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Amelia Bones leaned forward from where she'd been watching both Harry's pensieve presentation and Dumbledore. She leaned over to Dumbledore and said, "In case you haven't already figured it out for yourself, Albus, you're under arrest. When Mister Potter completes his task and you award suitable points I'm taking you, him, Minerva McGonagall and Poppy Pomfrey in to the DMLE interrogation rooms for what looks like is going to be a very long chat."

Dumbledore internally sighed but kept his mouth shut. He knew he was in deep enough trouble, as it was.

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―==(oIo)==―

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After letting his last comments sink in for a long moment, Memory-Harry continued. "Now, my first year, as you've just seen, had my life at risk on a number of occasions. First: And what I didn't show you was Quirrell jinxing my broom during the first Quidditch match, and me nearly falling to my death from a hundred feet up in the air. Second: That bloody troll incident. Third: Our staff-mandated night-time excursion into the Forbidden Forest. And fourth: Quirrellmort trying to kill me when we three eleven year olds seemed to be the only ones who could deduce someone was making a play for the Stone that night.

"That's four threats to my life in my first year, alone. And that's ignoring the fact that Dumbledore had hired a Voldemort-possessed teacher - stop naffing flinching every time I say his name, you naffing retards! - hired Voldemort to teach at Hogwarts for the entire school year. And thereby being a constant threat to me, especially, for all but my last three days at school for that year.

After Real-Harry took another long glare around the stands, Memory-Harry continued.

"Right!" he said. "That was first year - the 1991-92 school year. Let's move on to the fun and games of second year - 1992-93.

"September and October 1992 was peaceful. I was looking forward to a quiet year. The only downer that year to that point was Dumbledore had seemed to think it was good idea to hire that utter fraud, Gilderoy Lockhart, as our replacement DADA Professor. If any of you dunderheads had read his books, as I did before I'd even started at school that year, and had figured out the timelines he used it should have been as clear to you as it was to me that there is no possible way the man could have accomplished what he said he'd accomplished.

"In three different areas he purported himself to be in two different locations in completely different parts of the world. Secondly, he wrote he'd even vanquished a werewolf simply by punching it on the nose, a zombie by sprinkling salt on it, and other completely laughable supposed feats!

"That the man wasn't, even by then, already discovered to be a complete fraud just goes to show how collectively stupid wizards and witches truly are!" he then sighed.

"But, I digress! Everything was going as I expected it to when - wouldn't you know it? - it was Hallowe'en again.

"Stupidly, I found myself being dragged down to a room in the dungeons to attend the 500th Deathday party of the Gryffindor house ghost, Sir Nicholas 'Nearly Headless Nick' de Mimsy-Porpington, instead of attending the start of the Feast. It was after we'd left the party and were making our way back to the Gryffindor Tower we came across what happened right outside the same bathroom Hermione was crying in exactly a year earlier, when she nearly got herself squished by a troll's club.

"The floor was covered in water, Caretaker Filch's cat, Mrs Norris, was hanging from a wall sconce by her tail - we thought she was dead - and there was writing on the wall directly below her. It said, 'Enemies of the heir, beware'

"Moments after we arrived there, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw students came up from the Feast and were making their own ways back to their dorms.

"Malfoy, the MisSorted Gryffindor who wears green trim, was with them for whatever reason - seeing as his common room is supposed to be in the dungeons and there's no real reason he should have been on the second floor - and cackled out about how mudbloods would be next. Always opening his mouth before he engages his brain, that boy. Then relies on his godfather, Severus Snape, to pull his nads out of the fire for him."

Surreptitiously looking over the top edge of his book, Harry could see quite a few were snickering at the clearly now angry blonde ponce.

"Of course, Caretaker Filch showed he lacks logic as much as a proper wizard or witch by immediately accusing me of killing his cat.

"But, as Ron, Hermione and I were first on the scene, for most people, that meant we were guilty of whatever happened. And Dumbledore dragged us three, the Mrs Norris catcicle, Filch, Minerva McGonagall and Fraud Lockhart off to Lockhart's classroom and office to investigate matters further. Of course, Severus Snape also managed to invite himself along, as he usually does.

"The way Snape always seems to be hovering around Dumbledore, inviting himself or being invited into meetings he has no right to be involved in, I've come to think of him as Dumbledore's shadow brought to life. Either that, or he secretly lusts after the man and follows him around like a love-sick puppy. But, maybe that lust is actually the other way round," and shrugged.

"Anyways, after poking and prodding the Mrs Norris catsicle for a while and Lockhart rambled on with his nonsense, Dumbledore eventually declared she wasn't dead, only petrified.

"However, what we have come of that was the whole school now have it in the back of their minds I was responsible for the attack.

"A week later, Colin Creevey was the next to be petrified. Watch what happened, that night, in the Infirmary."

"I also remind you, for those who were there, that was the day I had the bones in my arm vanished by 'Fraudhart'. So, for the entire duration of that day, from shortly after lunch until the next morning, I was under the direct supervision of Madam Pomfrey in the Infirmary. So, there's no possible way I could have been the one who attacked the boy."

The memory started with Harry lying awake in his bed. Dumbledore backs into the room wearing his nightclothes. McGonagall was facing him, also walking in. Between them they had a petrified Colin Creevey. And, once they'd dumped the boy on a bed and he'd opened Creevey's camera, Dumbledore confirmed the Chamber of Secrets had been opened.

Memory-Harry returned. "Did you all catch how Dumbledore, after he'd opened Creevey's camera and saw the insides were all melted, said it meant the Chamber of Secrets had been opened? Why would he say that? That he did meant he knew what the monster was in the Chamber. He had to have! Otherwise, the melted insides of the camera wouldn't have meant anything to him.

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