I am Peter Parker

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***

**Glenn at home**

- Phaaaa... - I can't figure out which formula to use, no matter how many times I try.

- Glenn, are you alone? - Oh, mum's home from work, it's a bit early today.

- Yeah, Mum, I'm alone. - After giving me the okay, Mum went into the bathroom to take off her male make-up. Who'd have thought the pride and face of the NYPD was actually a woman? I dread to imagine the contents of Mum's fan mail should this get out....

There's a long tradition in our family of dressing up as a man, my great-great-grandmother lied about her gender during WWII to get into the same regiment as my father. The reasons vary depending on who you ask. Some will say that she was afraid for him and couldn't live a day knowing what hell he was going to; they may tell you about jealousy on her part and about great-great-grandfather having "Ooh-la-la" magazines under the mattress with scrawled pictures of French women....

Anyway, the reason is not important, the important thing is that after my great-great-grandmother saw the world through the eyes of men, she... Separated from her husband, which is not so important, and then accustomed my grandmother to men's clothes, speech and behaviour, which was very upsetting for her, but also allowed her to become editor-in-chief of a large publishing house at the age of twenty-seven.

Then my mother, who as a child wanted to wear dresses and chase boys, became one of the youngest detectives in the history of the American police, getting a position for just a couple of years of hard work and diligence. And so it is in Stacey's family that this strange tradition exists, unloved from childhood, but invaluable as she grows older.

- Haa.

- Why are you sighing? - Mum came out of the shower without her wig and her hair down. - Can't you decide something?

- Ma... I want to be a girl. - I've been pissing my mum off more and more lately with this conversation.

- Wait a couple more years, wait for the fruit, and then decide whether you want to be a boy or not, okay, honey? - replied in a casual tone, clearly not paying attention to my words, after so many repetitions.

- Doesn't this lifestyle bother you at all? The bandage on my chest is tight, especially at our size.... - my eyes fell on my mum's size four breasts. The thought of how tight she had to wrap the bandages around them made me gulp. - And haven't you ever wanted to go out with a guy?

- Why wouldn't I? I have, and-- - Mum suddenly stopped towelling her damp hair, turned to me and smiled. - Oh, my God, that's what this is all about. Is my sweetie in love?

Mum lunged at me, tickling and kissing me, and after a long struggle, punctuated by my cries of surrender, she left me alone, then went into the kitchen for coffee and a jar of ice cream, heralding a heart-to-heart conversation.

- So, what made you decide to attack Peter all of a sudden? Because of the show? - from the kitchen, Mum said something that made my jaw drop.

- How? What?! Why the--

- Honey, let's get past the denial and get to the important stuff, cos we've got half a bucket of ice cream left. - Mum put a spoonful in my mouth, followed by a slap on the chin that made my jaw drop. - I'm a detective, and your case isn't as complicated as you think it is.

- И... What's the conclusion? - I averted my eyes, but I plucked up the courage to ask.

- Honey, have some ice cream. - I put a spoonful of coffee ice cream in my mouth, and the sweet taste made me smile. - Peter is a man, and all men are the same, that's the simple truth.

- But... - with my mouth still full, I hastened to protest.

- Yes, I know, he's not like that, he doesn't want money or big breasts with a voluminous arse, he wants love, that's all. That's the first time I've ever heard you say that. - my growing resentment was shut down by another scoop of ice cream. - Even supposing that he is so extraordinary and wonderful, how many wives do you think he will have? Not at my age to say, but he's not a bad-looking man.

- Does it matter? - I sincerely never thought about it before, I asked my mum.

- A handsome guy who needs love, not material values or big tits, will be in high demand, so much so that quite with a harem for a couple of hundred desperate, agreeing to be with a man one day a year, as long as sincerely.

- Mum, there's no such thing as harems. - her last words made me take the whole conversation as a lecture.

- Maybe? But haven't you, living your life as a bloke, noticed how available girls are? How obsessed they are with the idea of love, thinking it's almost the most important thing on planet earth? - Mum sat up next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. - Because you pretend to be a boy, you can see the world beyond the prism of terrible loneliness and the need to prove something, you can realise your value and increase it. Is Peter really worth giving that up and being like everyone else?

Mum's words made my head fill with different thoughts and memories. Some concerned the girls who gathered around me in hoards almost daily. Those thoughts flowed into assumptions that Mary Jane, Penny, Elizabeth, and probably all the other classmates had a soft spot for Peter. There are probably more, but how many? What does he feel for them back? Will any answer satisfy me? Would I be able to watch his lips kiss another or his arms encircle another?

I'm sure he wouldn't agree to share me with anyone if there was anything between us. So maybe...

- Ma, you know, maybe Peter isn't worth it, but-- Maybe my feelings for him are? Of all the guys I've been with, he's the only one I want to know the truth. И...

Before I could continue my speech under the gaze of my mother humbly accepting my decision, the phone suddenly rang. Any other call I would have ignored, but this one was momentous.

- Hello, Peter? - somehow talking to my mother made me forget my resentment towards Peter for avoiding me.

- Glenn, I have an important matter on which my well-being depends! Are you seeing anyone at the moment? - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

- ... - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

- Honey, what is it? What's he saying that's making your face look so wobbly? - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

- Glenn, hello? Are you all right? - HELLO?!

- I'm fine, I was just answering my mother's phone. - OH, MY GOD! That's so relaxed. - No, I'm not seeing anyone. Why, are you interested in me? - Yeah, I'm keeping my lips wide open. But now he'll answer me jokingly and I'll be at peace.

- Actually, yeah. - ...

- Oh, Peter, my mum's calling me, I'll call you back in five minutes, OK?

- Okay, but don't forget to call me back, it's really important to me, okay? - And your voice is so velvety, you don't think about me at all.

- ...

- Honey, what's wrong? Why did you ask him to hang up? - Mum stared at me with excitement and started to reach closer, but she made an extremely serious mistake. I'm sorry mum, but I can't hold back any longer.....

- KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!!!!

-Later in a cosy cafe-

- Haa. Breathing seems fine, fresh, hair styled well....

After I called back, Peter made an appointment to meet me at a cafe. He kept saying how glad he was that I didn't have anyone else, and his voice sounded as happy as it ever had. Frankly speaking from all this my knees started to tremble, I couldn't decide whether I should go to the meeting in a dress or not.

- Oh. How cute... - I commented on the dress to the girl coming out, who stumbled afterwards, not looking round at all.

In the end, due to the lack of choice in wardrobe and not wanting to shock Peter too much, I decided that today I would just confess who I really was. I really hope that the news of my gender is to his satisfaction and that he doesn't turn out to be gay.

- Fucking hell. - I whispered when I saw Peter waving at me with a happy smile.

My face became hot and my legs felt woozy, even silently my voice trembled and my thoughts began to dart around in fright.

- Fuhhhh... - On a deep exhale, I took what I didn't really have in my fist and staggered forward with determination.

- Yo, Glenn, long time no see, sorry about that. - and all that heat and cotton candy just kind of went away, and it was just... - Meet Sang-hyun, my buddy from the show.

- Hello. - in the arrogant-looking guy sitting at Peter and I's date table.

- Sit next to me, my friends, whom I love dearly and whose happiness I care more about than my own.... - Peter seems suspiciously chatty and active today. I don't like it.

He sat me down across from him, next to Sang-hyun, and then Peter ordered us a nice meal and coffee, which made me feel like he was courting me assertively for a second, and then it was down to friendly conversation, alternating between me and the guy next to me. Sometimes Peter asked the odd question, like about future plans, views on girls and family life, etc., which was surprising, along with his energy.

- You know, my best friends who I would give my life for, what have I been thinking about lately?

- No, a friend who's shown that he's actually willing to sacrifice himself. - and why do I find it so annoying that he and Sang-hyun are on the same page? They even have jokes for each other.

- The most important thing in life is love! - I was suddenly on the same wavelength as Sang-hyun, and I froze with my mouth open at what I was hearing. - A loved one's embrace will keep you warm in any weather, and a smile will take away your worries!

So... I'm really hearing these words from Peter, who has never met anyone because "there's no time, no desire"? What the hell is going on here?

- And, as your friend that genuinely cares for you.... - Peter took our hands, tears coming to his eyes. - I've found the perfect partner for you!

Peter looked into our eyes with burning sincerity, his fingers clutched our palms as if gently clinging to a branch to keep from falling down the hill, and his breathing was shaky and ragged.

- I'm not gay. - Before I could even comprehend what was happening, Sang-hyun took Peter's hand away. - Pro-.

- All the better! I don't know why you even said that, because otherwise I'd have trouble setting one of you up with my sister.

- WHAT?!?! - Sang-hyun and I are on the same page again.

**Peter**

After careful selection, I settled on these two. Sang-hyun, to whom I saved his life and now he owes me a favour. And Glenn, my best friend since childhood, who I have a lot of dirt on. Apparently the main selection factors were their moral character and other unimportant nonsense, but not whether they had the leverage to sell them my pissed-off favourite sister.

- So, who's ready to sacrifice eternal happiness by marrying my sister? - I've made it so smooth, I'm afraid they'll fight over it!

- What?! Set me up with Penny?! But I thought. I was thinking. I thought that you wanted to talk about you. - Glenn had a weird mid-sentence stutter, even blushed. Why? Everyone can get confused by words.

- Why do you want to talk about me? I'm not the lucky guy who gets to marry the best girl on planet earth. - Oh, I didn't laugh.

- Peter, you're sweating, holding back a smile..... - Sang-hyun said with a raised eyebrow.

- Oh-happy for one of you, I can't even hide my smile! - Why do they make things so complicated, huh? It's hard to agree to a curse, isn't it? It doesn't last long until you die, just like life in general. - You're not seeing anyone, are you? Maybe you like someone?

They've both told me they're not seeing anyone, plus Sang-hyun said on the show earlier that he's never dated anyone, and I'm not sure about Glenn, he's got a lot of experience. However, what if they like someone? Then that would complicate things and I might have to wrestle Penny's boyfriend away from some skank who stole my future brother-in-law's heart. I don't know how I'll do it, but I'm sure the internet will help!

- I-I-I-I-I. I-I-I like it. I like it. No... Yes... - while Glenn was thrashing around on the couch.

- Peter, have you forgotten where we met? - Sang-hyun asked the question in his casual manner.

- Come on, like you were planning on winning..... - It was only after the words came out of me with a chuckle that I realised they could be taken as an insult, so I tried to explain myself in a hurry. - I mean, is this the fifth season or what season where they get to pick a husband? It seems to me that there isn't a man in the world that they will all like equally, and the whole show is just a ratings milking exercise that will last forever. Do you think otherwise?

- No... - Averting his eyes, the brother-in-law candidate replied uncomfortably. - So you want someone who will care for your sister and treat her with respect, that's why you selected us? Your friends?

I nodded vigorously at the words of the upstart candidate, always sympathising with the bright ones.

- I already like someone! - Glenn interrupted our idyll with a future relative by punching the table, red-faced, with the same unusual force that Penny had already used.

- Isn't someone named Parker? - What if it's Penny? Wouldn't it be cool if my future brother-in-law was my best friend?

- Yay! - While Glenn waved his arms suspiciously red from side to side, Sang-hyun sat thoughtfully.

**Sang-hyun**.

I didn't expect this turn of events at all. With this guy, one should always prepare for surprises, I guess.

- Uwaaaah... - not the one who's blushing up to his earlobes, but my "friend".

As a brother, I can understand him. Surely the elders in his family are forcing him to take his sister as his wife, and sisters, as everyone knows, are the most natural irritant of all on this planet. Which at the same time you also love, after all.

Deep in thought, I leaned back in my chair. My thoughts revolved around this Penny, and my sisters. Surely I could behave decently towards her. I've had my fill of most perversions in my life, I've outgrown the thingy attitude towards women, and I'm decently well off myself. Penny will really make a profit if she marries me. We may not get along, but is that a problem, considering I'm always travelling for gigs? Plus I owe her brother my life, after all.

As for thinking about sisters, well...

- Ahem. - I had to cough to hide the smile spreading across my face. - Peter, I'm willing to agree to meet your sister.

- Oh, really? - Holy innocence grabbed my hands with a firm grasp of gratitude.

- Only...

- Only? - He's shown an interesting side of himself these past fortnight. Peter may not be the brightest person I know, but he's one of the kindest, which is a good quality for certain positions.

- I have a favour to ask of you.

- Look, I don't mind dramatic pauses on the space bar, but can you tell me what your request is?

- Oh, yeah, have you ever thought about marrying Korean idol twins?

- Wow, your question is so shocking, to the point of dramatic fade out....

========== Chapter 47: Do you take idol twins? ==========

Chapter 47: Do you take idol twins?

**Gwen**

- ...Have you ever thought about marrying Korean idol twins? - Sang-hyun didn't seriously ask Peter to marry his sisters in exchange for him marrying Penny, did he?!

Okay, calm down, Peter will turn him down right away and.....

- Wow, your question is so shocking, to the point of dramatic fade out.... - he's thinking about it?! Which would be a cheap cliffhanger that nobody likes, so I'm just gonna answer you that I agree--

- PROTEST! - I couldn't take it anymore, I screamed at the whole café, scaring the waiters.

- Tsk! - Don't use your tongue when you say that.

- Ohhhh. So that man you like is named Parker, huh? - from the smile, the words, the look, the very presence of Peter, I'm back in the red. - And it's Penny! God, mate, why didn't you say something?!

- I'm sorry. - As Peter happily hugged me, in his typical way, putting my head in a slight wedgie, my emotions left me devastated.

- When are you going to ask her out? Need a hint? Do you want to borrow money for a good place? Or do you want to declare your love first, huh? А?

- Ahem, ahem. - While Peter was poking me in the cheek with a grin, Sang-hyun turned gloomy and coughed. - 'Peter calm down, Glen didn't say out loud that he was interested in Penny, unlike me right now...' If we agree, of course.

By God, this dude is starting to piss me off. I'm in a cauldron of nonsense and he's adding to it.

- Look, Sang-hyun, no offence, but Glen's been my best friend for years... - Yeah, tell him, Peter, which one of us deserves your blessing to have a relationship with Penny! Wait...

- И? - While Peter was choosing his words, the idol interrupted him. - Isn't it good to give your sister a choice? Who knows which one of us she'll like and get along with? The more choices the better, trust me, we're friends too, aren't we?

- Well. I don't know. - what don't you know?! How do I say no?!

- Peter, don't hurt me. I trust you completely, I'm willing to consider marrying your sister without even knowing what she looks like. In return, all I ask is the same, that you consider marrying my sisters, who, of all the beautiful women in Korea, are among the few idols, I'm sure you know exactly what that must mean? - What a sneaky, smooth-sailing bastard!

- That they can sing?

- No! I mean, yes, that too, but that's not what I meant.

- They're good dancers?

- Haa. Here's a picture of them from a recent photo shoot. - Sang-hyun showed a picture on his smartphone of two girls in short dresses, nothing special, not even a little bit, not even a little bit, not even a little bit!

- I see now. - What's with the hungry wolf smile, Peter?! I'm sitting across from you! - Okay, maybe the more options we have, the better chance we have of getting the little one. Well, I'm in.

As my eyes filled with anger and tears, Peter shook hands with the smiling Korean pimp!

- Well guys, good luck fighting for my sister's hand! - The guy I was hoping to date today happily clapped Sang-hyun and me on the shoulders, bestowing his blessings. - We'll talk about the details today and tomorrow, but I'm going to the bathroom.

As soon as Peter disappeared into the crowd, Sang-hyun threw his fist up triumphantly with a smile, and then stood up from the table.

- 'Tell Peter I left and I enjoyed it all, okay, best mate? - The arsehole tossed me a snide smile.

- Do you have a problem with me? - I'm sorry boy, but it's not in my repertoire to look away when someone is being confrontational.

- Yeah, I like Peter. - He what?! - Why'd you blush and then stop talking all of a sudden? Never mind, I like Peter and I'd like him to marry my sisters, and you're in the way.

Still reeling from the confusion of the confession and the images of dubious content my mind had generated, I could only stare back in silence.

- Also, best mate, Peter and I both had our first time..... - what was it?! Why was he blushing all of a sudden?! And smiling dreamily?! - It was a contest for the length of the jet.

А?..

What?

While my brain was unsuccessfully trying to digest what I heard, Sang-hyun spectacularly threw on his jacket and saluted as he walked out of the cafe.

**Peter. Later**

Satisfied, I strolled along the spacious streets that made me want to dance. Knowing Glenn and Sang-hyun, I don't even have to worry that the little one won't fall in love with them, but rather get ready to listen to her worry about how hard it is for her to choose. The only thing that's marring today's rainy day is the worried look on Glenn's face when we said goodbye, and he didn't say much.

- I hope nothing happened between him and Sang-hyun while I was leaving.... - although if they were arguing over my sister's hand, that's a good thing!

In fact, when you think about it like that, life is starting to get better. I found Penny a boyfriend, next week I'll get off the show and pay off my debt, and then the mutants will get tired of waiting for Magneto's message, and they'll leave, and my peaceful life will be back on track.

- Wow, it's not even raining yet? Lucky me.

As I looked up, I noticed a couple of strange things. Firstly, it was still raining just a step away from me; secondly, the people around me suddenly started running away, dropping their purses and forgetting their children. When I looked up finally.....

- LONG TIME NO SEE! - I met my gaze with the robot face of a robot rhinoceros.

- Haa... It's the same thing every time. - I could get depressed. - Yeah, it's been a while. Have you been released from prison yet?

- N-N-NO. I-I ESCAPED! - and why is her voice so shaky?

- A word of advice for the future, don't tell anyone about your jailbreak. Okay, bye... - as soon as I took a step, she took one after me. - Um... Do you want to give me a lift?

- NO!!! FUCK!!!

- Ahh... I think I get it. I'm sorry, but I have a house full of said fugitives.

- SILENCE!!! - the robot rhinoceros grabbed me with his massive arm and lifted me off the ground. - I'M HERE FOR REVENGE! BUHA-HA-HA-HA...

- Ha ha ha ha...

- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!

- I don't know, I've always found bassy laughter infectious. But on a related topic, what are you going to get back at me for, I didn't do anything to you, did I?

- YES, YOU DID. YOU! YOU DEFAMED ME!

The moment the car windows cracked, my ears reminded of my recent injury, the suddenly fleeing passersby stopped, staring at me and Reno with blank faces.

- Pfft... That didn't happen. - Why are the passersby looking at me with such disgust, but at Supervillain with understanding and sympathy? I'm actually being kidnapped.

- YOU'RE THE REASON I CAN'T LOOK AT SQUID, OR SHOWER HEADS, OR ROLE-PLAYING GAMES, OR SWINGS ANYMORE. - So, why is it that every word the crowd says makes me look more respectful? - AND YOU'VE RUINED THE WORD "SUCK" FOREVER. AND I LOVE SUCKING SO MUCH.

- How vulgar. - I can't think of anyone who could resist making a comment like that.

- LOLLIPOPS AND ICE CREAM, YOU MORON! MORE THAN HALF OF MY DIET CONSISTS OF FOOD THAT NEEDS TO BE SUCKED! AND YOU DENIGRATE THE WORD! DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?!!

- Well... You don't eat very healthy, do you?

- I ONLY EAT BERRY LOLLIPOPS AND ICE CREAM, AND BERRIES ARE VITAMINS!!!! - because she shouted it louder than the rest of us, I can only conclude that I'm not the first person to make comments about lollipops.... - FOR THE CRIME YOU COMMITTED AGAINST ME, YOU MUST PAY FOR IT.

- Hmm? Have you ever thought about marrying a woman, by any chance? Or I could introduce you to my sister, who you're bound to get along with on the grounds of lolism and bad temper, you know? - Sang-hyun didn't say for nothing that the more choices, the better for Penny.

- ... - The robot rhinoceros froze, continuing to hold me in the air.

- Now that you've calmed down, why don't you go get a stepladder? - I even had time to address the humans.

- ...WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH YOU? ...WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH YOU?... - in a strange way, the mechanical voice seemed downcast.

- Well, we could give you a lift home.

- ...

- ...

- What kind of obscenities do you think he taught her? - the crowd had calmed down enough to start discussing things casually. I think I saw a couple of people leaving with bored faces. I even felt embarrassed in front of them.

- Freeze, Reno! - A voice came from the roof in the distance. Clearly some not-so-intelligent heroine, for Reno is standing still as it is.

- POWERS?!!!

- ...Who?!!! - Is it really Spider-Woman? But wasn't she supposed to have her abilities after me? Am I wrong? I must be wrong.

I don't know how many interpretations she's had, I just remember one where she's like a middle-aged woman or something in a red and yellow suit, so maybe she's the first person in canon to have spider powers, maybe she started being a hero before I should have....

- А?!! - I blurted out as the Spiderwoman landed on the robot rhino's shoulder.

This was not a middle-aged woman, judging by her body, she was clearly still in the active growth phase, I would even say in the waiting phase of active growth. Also her costume looked similar to my expected costume, though if I were in charge of design I would have chosen a less tight material...

- Brah-citizen?! Are you all right?!

...I see.

- Oh gods, his eyes have lost their signs of life! How dare you attack my bra-citizen, Reno!!!!

You little... Stop showing off so much, huh?

.....

While the meeting between Penny and Allison O'Hairy was going nowhere near as I'd planned, with punching, throwing cars and hydrants, acrobatics and all, all I could do was sit on the pavement with my arms around my knees and my head resting on them.

- Bra-citizen, are you still here? - After apparently overpowering Reno, a "mysterious" person in a spider suit flew up on a spider web towards me. - You must be scared.

- Like shit. - As Penny put a hand on my shoulder, I couldn't stop picturing horrifying images:

Of anime paraphernalia shops going under, of hot dog cart sausages flying into the sky, of spider webs weaving doodles on skyscrapers...

My sister is a superheroine, forgive me New York for not keeping track of her, forgive me....

- Bra Citizen, let me reassure you.... - she reached lower on the web, pulling the mask down and lifted my face by my chin, reaching for me next as our faces soaked in the rain.

- ... - her face grew closer, and a blush appeared even on my chin. - Penny...

- Ouch?! - I, keeping my dead man's gaze, slapped her.

- You're out of your mind, you little bastard!

- Bra Citizen?! Whoa! - She even fell off the web in shock, hitting her arse. - What do you think you're doing! Hitting a complete stranger you've never met in your life, and calling her by other people's names?! What was the name?

- Perry.

- I'm not Penny, for your information, I have a completely different name!

- I said a different name, you fool.

- Anyway, I don't intend to put up with your rudeness any longer, so goodbye, I'll see you later, I mean, maybe I'll see you again, but it's not certain!

She abruptly flew away on the cobwebs, and an ambulance paramedic came up to me.

- Young man, do you need any help?

- No... But I'm afraid I'll have to get codependent in a couple of years.....

**Later. Prison**

Reno was being led by a ten-man escort, which made it look like ten policemen were going somewhere, because the criminal's head was reaching their chests.

- Hey, look who we brought in. - the ranking officer turned to the prison guards.

- A baby? - one of them looked back in surprise. - Special housing doesn't mean children, you didn't know?

- ... - The policemen looked at each other in silence and decided to speak to the other guard. - Here's your runaway. Did you find out how she escaped yet?

- Fugitive? - the guard who had brought food to Allison O'Hairy's cell on more than one occasion took a close look at her face. - That's right! I told you guys there was someone in cell 30! And you're like, "it's always been empty! Empty!"

- Erm. - all the policemen's shoulders suddenly slumped.

- Well, colleagues, we'll take care of her, she won't escape this time! It's true that our video cameras have been malfunctioning lately, and the locks don't lock properly when we don't remember to do it, but rest assured, she'll never be free again!

Thanks to the professionalism of the prison staff, Reno won't appear in this story again, probably not unless they forget to lock her cell door again.