I Can Hear the Saint’s Inner Thoughts

20 – You’re My (Fake) Boyfriend (4)

“Ah, this is bad…”

Victoria rubbed her eyes, waking up, and instinctively knew something was wrong.

The memory of drunkenly harassing Astal last night was vivid in her mind.

-If it’s for the sake of defeating the Demon King… would you consider having a child with me?

Just thinking about it made her limbs curl up, a horrific catastrophe that made her want to smash her past self with a hammer.

“Why did I say something like that…!!”

Victoria bit down hard, writhing in agony. The shame turned into heat, rushing to her face in waves.

Why did she bring up such a thing back then?

Was it because the former Dragon King’s words kept bothering her? Or was it the worry that, living with a limited time, she wouldn’t even be able to have the child of the person she loved?

“…Is it because I feel more and more like my body isn’t normal?”

Victoria loosened her neck and clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to awaken her bodily senses.

Lately, her awake hours were dwindling, and the urge to sleep was growing. Like a rusty gear in a machine, slowly losing its function and becoming slower.

Victoria knew her life was gradually fading. Even the most renowned doctors on the continent said that, judging from her condition, she would have difficulty living past adulthood.

“Becoming an adult this year… I’ve held on for quite a while…”

Victoria muttered to herself, looking at the empty spot next to her bed. Her gaze rippled like soft water.

The reason Victoria had managed to stay alive was thanks to a certain gentle mage who wasn’t here right now.

“…I learned that when you treat people harshly, their true nature comes out, but I’ve never seen anyone as kind as him.”

Victoria had learned how to live from the former Pope.

She was kinder than anyone and wanted to help others, but she was only ruining her body from using miracles so often.

So, the method she chose was this—to provoke others with harsh insults and find out what their true nature was.

“Astal, I didn’t want… more than anything, to have you taken by another woman, even if it meant dying.”

*Poof*

Victoria lay down in the spot where Astal had rested his head just moments ago, finding comfort in his scent.

They used the same perfume, making their scents similar, but she yearned for the day when they would be so close that the line between them would blur.

“…That’s why I used the trick of a contract relationship. I knew you wouldn’t refuse because you’re so kind.”

Victoria smiled faintly, recalling Astal’s expression and words from a few days ago. He’d entered a contractual relationship with a woman he didn’t even like, knowing something wasn’t right, all for her sake.

He was so incredibly kind and pure. He wouldn’t just stand by and watch such a cruel and venomous woman suffer; he had to save her.

“A wicked woman like me, you probably hate, right? Your ideal type isn’t some spiteful, snake-like woman like me, but a mature, nurturing older woman.”

Victoria spread out her hand, parts of it transformed into flowers. On the surface, it looked beautiful, like a bouquet, but in reality, it was a parasite, gnawing away at her life.

She’d even resorted to using divine power to hide the spread of the flowers in vital organs like her heart, just in case Astal noticed that her life was nearing its end.

“Actually, I wish the time I could spend with you was limitless. I wanted to have a child who looked just like you and me, to share love and build a happy family together….”

That’s why Victoria had drunk the strongest liquor yesterday. Because she didn’t have much time left.

She just couldn’t bring herself to ask the man she loved to have a child with her while sober.

“But, I don’t want pity, either. Not for the last love of my life…. If that kind of emotion gets mixed in, it’d be so, so sad, wouldn’t it?”

Victoria slowly kissed Astal’s pillow, beginning to talk to herself.

*Smack,* *smooch.* She imagined his face and practiced everything from soft, short kisses to long, sloppy ones.

She even held onto the hope that she could actually kiss him under the guise of their contractual relationship later on.

“…After I die, you’ll have to meet someone new, live a new life. I think it’s better if you hate me, so that someday you can say, ‘Ah, there was a woman like that too.’ and move on.”

Victoria closed her eyes slowly, imagining the scene of her death. Would Astal look sad, or would he force himself to seem alright?

Whatever she imagined, all she felt was a crushing pain, as if her heart was being constricted.

“I’m such a pathetic woman, Astal.”

Victoria hugged Astal’s pillow and couldn’t help but cry. Originally, she thought even feeling these emotions was a luxury for her.

“I want to be loved by you, but I also don’t want to be hated later on…. I’m such a contradictory human for choosing to run away.”

Living with the man named Astal Kaisaros had revealed to her the hope of living as an ordinary woman.

When she was with him, she didn’t need to use miracles, handle the tiresome duties of a saint, or pretend to be nice.

“…Could someone like me…be loved by you?”

Victoria hugged Astal’s pillow tightly, revealing her true feelings.

She squeezed her eyes shut, clasping her hands together and praying for her heart’s desire to come true.

– […Don’t you have any shame?]

As if finding the scene unbearable, a voice echoed in Victoria’s head.

“Celestial Deity…?! How did you respond without me even praying…?”

The Celestial Deity, Lumina. The deity who had chosen Victoria as a saint and was revered in the Holy Kingdom, sighed, startling her.

How could she issue a revelation without her even praying? It didn’t make sense to Victoria.

– [You did pray a moment ago. Clasping your hands, closing your eyes, praying with the desire that even someone like you could be loved.]

“Ah, perhaps….”

Victoria replayed the scene from just moments ago. Her wishful prayer for her love life to blossom had been the catalyst.

It had signaled the heavens, and a celestial being had arrived to deliver a divine message.

– [I was worried you weren’t utilizing this contract relationship properly… What in the heavens is this ghastly sight?]

The celestial being couldn’t comprehend Victoria’s current actions. She was hugging and licking her crush’s pillow, rubbing herself all over it.

Had the celestial being not intervened, she would have crossed the line. It was so lewd and indecent that calling her a harlot rather than a saint would have been fitting.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t butt in. I can handle everything…”

– [Oh really? The one who was acting cute yesterday, saying, ‘Won’t you play the fake lover role? Victoria will be pouty…’? I honestly don’t know who that was.]

“Hyaaak…!! I-I absolutely did not say such a thing!”

Victoria jumped back, startled. Her gaping mouth and widened eyes couldn’t conceal her lie.

– [If you truly like him, why not try being a little more honest? I don’t think Astal completely dislikes you, either.]

The celestial being advised, clearly displeased. Lumina, her maternal figure, was far from happy with the situation.

“A-Astal-nim? That’s impossible. He just left because he dislikes me…”

Victoria added, as if it were unthinkable. Yet, it was Astal who had carried her, completely drunk and barely able to stand, to her bedroom last night.

He hadn’t touched a single hair on her body and had vanished at dawn. It was the behavior of a man completely devoid of romantic feelings, wasn’t it?

– [Do you know that man spends every night tending to your body? I think he’s realized you’re not going to last much longer.]

Celestial Lumina initially hadn’t liked Astal. Having witnessed all the twists and turns of his life from above, she knew how dark and bleak his existence had been.

His parents were brutally murdered by the demon army, and he was the sole survivor of a village burned to the ground.

The gods couldn’t directly influence the mortal realm, which was why they chose figures like heroes and saints.

Astal, however, due to his bleak past, was already on the verge of being a hero.

– [That mage is so powerful it even surprised us gods. How can a mere human be so strong without divine help?]

When Astal crafted that artificial holy sword, she had even witnessed the stoic chief god chuckle in disbelief.

“That oblivious man… how could he…”

Victoria sighed, unable to believe it.

Of course, last night he had used informal speech and confessed he had worries.

Normally, he would have swallowed it all. Concealing pain and sorrow behind a bland smile was a skill he had learned from the previous Pope.

– [Then see for yourself. He won’t have gone far. If you go outside and walk straight, you’ll see what he’s doing right now.]

The celestial being secretly revealed Astal’s location to Victoria, currently preparing to open a spatial gate nearby.

What she truly desired was for the saint, who was like her daughter, to enjoy a sweet and bittersweet love, not to see them in a state of emotional misunderstanding.

– [I think you hide your affections by being too abrasive. If you’ve started a fake relationship, you should be treating him much kinder.]

The celestial being pointed out Victoria’s flaw. No matter how strong one’s feelings were, such emotions couldn’t be conveyed through harsh words and rough behavior.

“…Are you saying my way is wrong?”

Victoria couldn’t understand the angel who spoke those words.

What was wrong with the survival tactics she’d learned from the former Pope, or her actions to sever ties so she wouldn’t be hated after she died?

– [Honestly, you’re like a complete psycho. Your true feelings and your outward appearance are totally at odds.]

“……”

Victoria, upon hearing the angel’s blunt assessment, could only freeze, unable to react.

In her position, knowing she had a limited time to live and that her way of life was unavoidable, she understood.

“…Are you really saying I look like a madwoman?”

Unless he was reading her thoughts, Astar could easily consider her a crazy woman, and he had every right to.

– [Yeah, so grab on before it’s too late. Who knows? Maybe your wish to procreate and prosper with the man you adore will come true.]

The angel gave Victoria a meaningful smile, leaving her with those last words, as if cheering her on.