I Don’t Want to be a Villainess

Ironically, hearing those words genuinely reassured me.

To think I found comfort in the arms of a child who’s barely seventeen, I felt a bit pathetic but Ha Neul’s promise to be by my side no matter what was enough to put my mind at ease.

Maybe it could be said that I found someone to open my heart to, simply because I’d been exposed.

The relief of not having to bare everything myself. It reminded me of those childhood days when I got caught doing something bad and thought, “Well, at least it turned out okay.”

For a while, I stood still, feeling Ha Neul’s warm body next to me. Ha Neul waited until I spoke first.

“……Alright.”

In the end, that’s what I said.

“I’ll tell you what I know.”

Only after I said that did Ha Neul loosen her arms that were wrapped around me. We created a bit of distance, and the chilly wind brushed past.

“Whatever it is, I’ll listen.”

Ha Neul said this with a bright smile.

*

The story didn’t drag on for long. To be honest, there wasn’t much to share.

I couldn’t tell her that I was a man who used to live in another world. Whether she believed it or not would be a problem; the possibility of disbelief was far greater. Who would take talk of another world seriously? I was still trying not to think about it too deeply because the more I thought about it, the more absurd it felt, and there were no answers.

So the only thing I could talk about was what I experienced after coming to this world. Just the story of about two months and two weeks.

“So….”

Ha Neul, listening to my story, asked.

“Are you saying you don’t know if it’s simply lost memory or if you have a different personality from the original ‘Ye Sara’?”

“Yeah.”

I certainly wasn’t a creation of Ye Sara’s for self-protection. Even if I weren’t a genius who perfectly remembered every moment of my life, I had memories that included detailed aspects that a child who was merely locked in a room could never imagine.

Not the Seoul of this world, but the Seoul where I once lived. Memories of places like Jongno and Myeongdong, the bustling streets of the university area that I used to frequent were still vividly stored in my mind.

It didn’t stop there. I remembered my relationships with friends, family, experiences at work, and all the various foods I had eaten outside. These were memories that could not simply be conjured up from Ye Sara’s “imagination.”

That’s why I couldn’t doubt that my personality was a lie or that my memories were fabricated.

However, the clarity of my identity brought about another concern.

If I was a personality that came from somewhere else, then what happens to Ye Sara’s original personality that was in this body?

Did it die the moment I came over? If that’s the case, what was the reaction of this body when I saw Choi Na-kyung? If there are memories in this body, do they exist merely as ‘memories,’ or is Ye Sara’s consciousness sleeping deep inside?

I hadn’t been able to clarify any of this until now.

So I could only respond to Ha Neul’s words with, “I don’t know.”

“…….”

We leaned against the rooftop railing.

Strangely, there wasn’t a tall fence here. If someone were minded, they could easily jump over it. The rooftop wasn’t locked, and it didn’t seem like anyone managed it.

Was it that no one thought anyone would think of such a thing at this school?

Voices from children having gym class could be heard from below. Occasional laughter and shouts could be heard, along with the distant sounds of cars passing by and the occasional honking. Yet somehow, it didn’t feel noisy here. It was as if I were momentarily removed from the world, experiencing a sense of isolation despite just being outside for a brief moment during class.

I had already felt this kind of alienation several times before.

When I was sick and had to leave school early. When I stepped outside the house during a vacation morning. When I unexpectedly had a day off from work.

…When I was at Ye Sara’s mansion.

It wasn’t that there was no noise, but the sensation of hearing it from a distance or through a wall made me feel like I wasn’t fully part of this world.

The only moment I felt connected to the world through Ye Sara was when I met Choi Na-kyung.

…Yet, even so, there was no radiance on Choi Na-kyung’s face.

What did Ye Sara feel towards Choi Na-kyung?

“What do you want to do?”

Ha Neul asked me.

It was the same question she had asked not long ago.

Right, Ha Neul doesn’t know about Ye Sara. Not just her, but all of my ‘friends’ at this school didn’t know about Ye Sara. They all talked to me and became friends with me.

So, this question was directed towards ‘me’ not ‘Ye Sara.’

“I want to regain my memories. No, it’s okay if it’s not my memories. I just want to find them again.”

I wanted to fulfill the wish written in that will.

I was nothing to Ye Sara. Even now, at this very moment, that was still true. I was just an unwelcome guest who suddenly appeared in the most important moment of Ye Sara’s life and disrupted her plans.

Of course, there were some parts of me that felt relieved because of that. It would be much better to have at least this hazy hope than to have no chance at all. Coldly speaking, this was an entirely fortunate situation for me.

“What if, in doing so, you’re no longer the you you know?”

Ha Neul asked without looking at me.

“……”

What if Ye Sara’s ‘memories’ merged with mine? Would that then be a being that could be called ‘me’?

If Ye Sara’s personality returned to this body, what would happen to my personality that had been occupying this body until then?

The mere thought of it was terrifying.

I had never thought of myself as particularly virtuous. I had barely any memories of donating, and most of the time, I only did the bare minimum that could be considered a good deed, like occasionally donating blood for free movie tickets. I was basically the type of person who wouldn’t bother with good deeds unless there was some benefit for me.

That said, I wouldn’t say I was particularly self-serving, but… that’s how it was.

Yet, since coming to this world, I had experienced various good things without even knowing Ye Sara.

I had visited upscale restaurants I could never typically afford, had wonderful meals three times a day, lived in a room larger than any I had lived in my whole life, and became friends with many girls I could openly call ‘cuties’. These were all experiences I had never had before in my past life.

…Moreover, I, who was supposed to have died, was extending my life thanks to Ye Sara’s sacrifice.

All of those things were debts that couldn’t be repaid with money. Even if it was repayable with money, I couldn’t even afford to settle those debts.

So, all of this was the minimum I could think of as a matter of principle.

If a girl who had lived her entire life trapped in a cage could come out and create a future where she lived freely and happily, then—could this be considered a rough repayment of the debt?

That’s why it was what I wanted to do.

“Yeah. Even if that happens, and I’m no longer the me I know.”

I vaguely understood that I was destined to die anyway. There was no point in desperately clinging to someone else’s body; it would only lead to more pain for that person.

Right now, I was in the process of finding a way, but if the original owner returned, it would be only sensible to return it.

“…….”

Once Ha Neul heard my answer, she merely looked down at the playground without saying anything.

“I hope you’ll promise me one thing.”

At my words, Ha Neul’s shoulder flinched.

“If I disappear and Ye Sara’s original personality comes back to this body, will you treat me the same way as before, as a friend?”

“…….”

Ha Neul was silent for a while, not answering.

*

“If I disappear and Ye Sara’s original personality comes back to this body, will you treat me the same way as before, as a friend?”

I hadn’t thought she wouldn’t react to such words.

From the middle of our conversation, when Sara began to mention what she wanted, Ha Neul had already somewhat grasped that Sara would say such things.

But when I actually heard those words, each one felt so heavy.

If I disappear—

Why? Why think of such a thing?

No, I don’t want to part ways with you. I’d hate to die.

If the original ‘Ye Sara’ returns to this body—

Then, that wouldn’t be you anymore.

Will you treat me the same, as a friend?

…No, I couldn’t do that.

I could be friends, maybe.

But I couldn’t be the same as you. The child in your body then wouldn’t be the ‘you’ I knew.

Two weeks.

A mere two weeks of friendship.

Someone might laugh if they heard it. What do you mean, thinking of a friend you’ve known for only two weeks as a lifelong friend?

Maybe I would have thought the same if I’d heard it in the past.

But, but—Sara was different.

The only person who grasped the hand that I reached out as I isolated myself, without any hesitation, while smiling. No matter what actions I took, she just accepted everything and gave me a place by her side without any fuss.

I liked that Sara.

I liked her so much, it hurt.

But Ha Neul had already made her determination.

Whether she liked the outcome or not, clinging to Sara would only cause her pain.

Therefore, out of affection, she would grant Sara’s wish.

She was already determined like that.

So Ha Neul answered.

“Yeah, I will. I’ll definitely do that.”

When Sara heard those words, it was as if she had no lingering feelings whatsoever; she just smiled faintly at herself with her eyes half-closed.

A breeze blew. Sara’s hair fluttered. Her skin shone as the pouring sunlight hit it.

That sight was so beautiful.

And thus, Ha Neul smiled.

“Definitely.”

With that promise.

Yet, deep down, she hoped she wouldn’t lose her ‘Sara’.

Oh, may the smile she owed truly appear as a bright smile, Ha Neul earnestly wished.

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