It’s okay because it’s not human

Chapter 4: Slime Trouble (03)

"Ahhh! Where am I?!"

"Calm down. You're in the infirmary."

"I can't feel anything below my waist! What happened to me?!"

"Ah, don't get agitated. Listen carefully. You've sustained serious damage to your lower body. In other words, you're now... uh... impotent."

"I'm not impotent, you bastard!!"

Dane, who had been yelling at his peers acting out their skit beside him, quickly fell silent as his anger faded.

"Ughhh…!"

Perhaps he used too much force in his lower body while shouting, as Dane clutched his groin and collapsed again. His companions, seeing this, laughed even harder and continued teasing him.

"How tragic."

Having heard about this amusing incident too late, I arrived to find my bunkmates' antics in full swing. Their ridiculous behavior was on full display because we all shared the same dorm.

Dane was sitting there with his pants off, covering his groin with a wooden cup—a truly pitiful sight. But I couldn't help my curiosity about how things had gotten to this point. Grabbing the trembling Dane, I asked him:

"What happened? Did a slime chew you up?"

"You say scary things so casually!"

"Then what happened?"

Surely, he didn't get like this from... playing with a slime inappropriately, right? But I'd used slimes myself before and never had an issue. They're small enough to hold in your hand, incapable of melting anything substantial, and usually only dissolve bugs or debris.

"I'll explain."

The door to the infirmary's medicine room creaked open, and out came the doctor. His disheveled hair, unshaven beard, and weary eyes were unmistakable. His slightly pointed ears, though not fully elven, and the faint smell of straw hinted at his half-elf heritage.

It was Pandel, the half-elf doctor in charge of the infirmary.

"To put it bluntly, this happened because of inappropriate sexual activity involving a slime."

At his words, many of my companions flinched and instinctively touched their canteens.

'These idiots… Is this all they think about?'

"Most trainee knights are idiots who only know how to swing swords, but I never thought I'd see one admitted here because of something so absurd."

Typically, knights ended up in the infirmary due to training injuries or fistfights. However, our group was known for its camaraderie, so there had been no such cases of infighting.

'Did they bond so well by… sharing inappropriate materials?'

As I pondered this, one of the guys raised his hand to ask a question.

"Is it dangerous to let your body touch a slime?"

"Isn't that common sense? Even a non-knight would know to avoid direct skin contact with slimes."

"But small slimes aren't dangerous, right? They don't sting your hands when you touch them."

"And aren't small slimes often used to clean dirt off things?"

Pandel sighed deeply.

"You fools! Do you even understand what it means when people say slimes clean dirt?"

"They make things clean?"

"No, you idiots! They're alkaline!"

At the word "alkaline," all the trainee knights exchanged confused looks.

"Alkaline? What's that?"

"Is it a super-strong holy knight?"

Pandel smacked his chest in frustration.

"That's the kind of thing scholars learn, not knights!"

"Must be nice to be ignorant, you morons!"

Despite Pandel's exasperation, we stood tall with pride. After all, knights don't need to know these things—unless our lives depend on it.

"If acids burn the flesh, alkaline substances dissolve it. Small slimes are alkaline, which allows them to dissolve small bugs or corpses they absorb."

"Ohhh..."

We vaguely understood—slimes were like acidic ones, but with a different property.

"In any case, small slimes aren't safe. If you rub one against sensitive skin for long periods, what do you think happens? Especially for over an hour?"

"What happens?"

"The skin breaks down and becomes so tender that even fabric rubbing against it causes unbearable pain. That's why these idiots had to remove their pants."

Hearing this, Dane and his companions looked devastated.

"How can we train like this? Doctor Pandel, isn't there a cure…?"

"There isn't one. In a few days, scabs will form, and you'll heal naturally. Until then, you'll have to keep wearing those cups under your pants while running drills."

'That'll be quite the spectacle.'

"Anyway, that's the situation. Anyone who smuggled slimes into the dorm should dispose of them immediately. If anyone decides to take the risk and ends up here, I'll personally remove the affected area."

In other words, he'd cut it off. At those words, everyone silently nodded, clutching their canteens.

Of course, I was an exception.

'Why didn't anything happen to me?'

After receiving first aid, the three idiots returned to the dorm, walking sideways like crabs because of the wooden cups. I laughed so hard watching them that I felt my sides would split.

"Ahahahaha! Oh my god, this is killing me!"

"You of all people shouldn't be laughing, you bastard!"

"But it's just too funny! Three of you waddling sideways like crabs—it's too much!"

I was laughing so hard that tears welled up, but they couldn't retaliate properly. Resigned, they returned to their spots, grumbling.

"What did you do with the slimes?"

"Of course, I used it only once and threw it away for hygiene reasons."

If you care so much about hygiene, you probably shouldn't even consider using a slime for 'that' purpose... Hmm, though I'm not in any position to criticize.

"Ugh… It hurts… Every time I speak, my stomach tenses, and it throbs…"

Something had been bothering me for a while.

"Come to think of it, Dane, you're a whole head taller than us. Are you using the same-sized cup?"

"What? No wonder it kept touching the edges!"

Suddenly, Dane sat up, enduring the pain in his lower body, and found a large water canteen. He proudly placed it over his crotch as if to boast about his size.

"Figures. It was hurting because the cup was touching me."

Not to be outdone, the other two also grabbed larger containers, with one even picking up a bucket to cover himself. Naturally, Dane followed suit again.

"Cut it out, you idiots!!"

Only after I yelled at them did they stop their ridiculous competition and lie back down, groaning.

"Ugh… It's so unfair… The guy who enjoyed it the most is completely fine!"

"Is he lying to mess with us?"

"Are you sure you actually used a slime for 'that'?"

"I did! But now that I think about it, why am I the only one okay?"

It seemed the slime I had picked up wasn't an ordinary one.

"Does this guy have a steel… you know..."

"Yeah, steel down there."

"To survive even 'that', he's not human anymore."

"Steel! Steel! Steel!"

Though the chanting sounded like praise, it left me feeling oddly annoyed.

'Well… I guess the real reason I'm fine is because of this particular slime…'

As I stroked the slime inside my water bottle, my curiosity about its nature only deepened.

"Ugh… It hurts…"

"I can't sleep…"

"Even getting an erection makes it hurt more…"

Because of their constant groaning, I had to spend a sleepless night with my eyes wide open.

'I swear, I'll never share any crazy ideas about 'that' with these idiots again.'

---

It took the three of them a full week to recover.

When they were in pain, even a mild erection felt like it would cause them to explode, so they banned all dirty talk. But once they healed, they swaggered around with groins smelling of medicinal herbs, enthusiastically discussing the "ultimate methods" for self-pleasure.

It wasn't just my dorm. The other dorms were no different. The topic naturally shifted to recounting the infamous slime escapade from the previous week.

"It really was amazing. There's a reason I kept it going for over 40 minutes."

Thanks to Pindel's lecture about alkaline properties, we knew how lucky they were that their… equipment hadn't dissolved. Especially Dane, whose slime was larger and likely more alkaline, lasting 40 minutes with it was impressive—or insane.

"How was it?"

"Was it better than the real thing?"

"How would I know what that's like? Are you a traitor or something?"

Ah, by the way, we had an unspoken rule among us.

Anyone who had slept with a woman was considered a traitor to our brotherhood—a corrupted, tainted individual unworthy of our camaraderie.

Luckily, no traitors had emerged among us.

Not that it stopped us from desperately hoping for the opportunity to become the first "traitor."

'Honestly, if I ever got the chance… Hmm.'

Not that it mattered. None of us seemed likely to get such an opportunity in our lifetimes.

"Maybe not better than the real thing, but definitely better than using your hand. Especially the slime's texture—it's firm and elastic. If you cut into its outer layer just right, it feels cool at first…"

"Yeah? Then what?"

"Then… it feels good."

As expected, Dane was terrible at explaining things. Even after experiencing something extraordinary, he couldn't articulate it properly.

"Ugh… I kind of want to try it."

Despite their curiosity, no one was reckless enough to risk another incident after Pindel had explicitly threatened to castrate anyone caught using a slime again.

It wasn't worth risking your manhood over.

Safety first, even when it comes to 'that'.

"Alright, enough about slime. I've got something better."

Grinning mischievously, Dane pulled out a wooden crate that had been delivered to him.

"What's that?"

"Don't be shocked."

Dane ripped the nails from the crate with his bare hands—unsurprising given his bear-like strength—and opened it. Inside was a single book emitting a sulfuric smell.

"What the heck is this?"

"A demon summoning book."

"Are you insane?"

What kind of trainee knight buys a demon summoning book?!

"What are you even planning to do with that?"

With complete confidence, Dane declared:

"Imagine if we could summon a succubus!"

"SU!"

"CCU!"

"BUS!"

Our entire dorm erupted in unified excitement. Well, except for me, who cut in to say:

"If you get caught summoning demons in the training grounds, you'll be expelled immediately."

One of the other trainees chimed in with the only sane question in the room:

"Then how do you plan not to get caught?"

I answered on Dane's behalf:

"We just have to make sure no one finds out."

"Exactly!"

And so, we began our preparations to gather the materials.

Yes, after the slime fiasco, our next goal became summoning a succubus.