Just Super

I’m lying on Emily’s bed.

I can tell even before I open my eyes; maybe because it smells like Emily. It’s very comfy here. Only, why am I in Emily’s bed?

I was talking to Jane. Right. Then I was being chased by a giant snake. Voluntarily. Then the rip between universes. It seems like ages ago. Everything between that and now is blurry or nonexistent. Emily brought me here. She saved me. Again.

“Thank you.” My eyes are still closed, but I know she’s there.

“Oh, thank goddess. Are you okay?”

“I think so.” I open my eyes. Emily is a couple of feet above the bed, looking down at me. She looks like she’s been crying. 

“I’m sorry.” We both say it at the same time.

“For what?” Once again, we’re in sync.

I hold up a finger and go first. “For worrying you? For fucking up again.”

“How did you mess up?”

I tell her about the weird sensations from the rip—how they’re different than the feeling from portals—how they hurt. I tell her everything up to the point I collapsed. I bounce off thoughts about what happened next. “And what are you sorry for?”

“I asked you to do that. I got you hurt.”

“No, you didn’t. You asked me if I wanted to. It was my choice. And I’m fine.”

Fine might be an overstatement. My head is pounding. I want to flicker the headache away, but when I mentally reach for my mark, my mind recoils.

I move to sit up and Emily rises to give me room. Once I’m sitting on her bed, she lowers herself next to me. She puts an arm around my shoulders.

“I was about to call the school emergency line.” She sighs.

“I’m surprised you hadn’t already.”

“You asked me not to.”

“I did?”

“You said we’d have to tell them you’d been world hopping.”

I remember that now. It’s another one of those things that there aren’t any rules about, because no one should be able to do it. But just because it’s not breaking any rules doesn’t mean I wouldn’t somehow get in trouble for it.

“And you listened to me?”

“My friendship with Max never really recovered. I know she was probably right to call the authorities, but I didn’t feel like I could fully trust her anymore. I can’t stand the thought of you feeling that way about me.”

“But you were going to call anyway?”

“If you didn’t wake up, yeah. I’d rather you hate me and be okay, than…”

I lean my cheek on top of her head and lift her hand to my lips. I kiss it gently.

“Thank you. I don’t think I could hate you, though.”

We sit for a while. 

“What time is it?” I don’t want to move to pull out my phone.

“A little after seven. You were pretty out of it for a half hour or so.”

“Did the rapid team ever show up?”

They didn’t, at least not before Emily flew me back to her house. She has a pretty good idea why, though. There were two other incursions going on in and around Austin at the same time.

I have a terrible thought. “Could all this have something to do with me? We’ve been getting more incursions in Chicago, and now here in Austin. Could I be breaking something by world hopping?”

“Okay, first, as far as I know you hadn’t done any world hopping in Chicago until after, or during, that third incursion. Right?” When I nod, she continues, “Second, this is happening all over the country—not just Austin and Chicago.”

“Okay. Okay. Good.” Maybe it was a little egotistical for me to think I might be breaking the world. That’s not a level of power that I want or ever will have.

“Do you think your aunt and uncle would be okay with you sleeping over? I don’t like the idea of you being by yourself until we’re sure you’re okay.”

“Are you sure your moms would be okay with it? It’s not like I don’t have a place to stay this time.”

“They said it’s fine. You’re invited for dinner whether you stay over or not. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, though.”

When I get out my phone to message Aunt Kate I see messages from Denise.

Denise: You okay?

Denise: ?

Denise: nvm. 

Denise: Emily told me a little. lmk when you’re ok

I have a vague memory of seeing Denise while I was flickering, but I can’t really hold on to it.

Me: Im ok. Talk tomorrow?

Denise: k. feel better

Me: thanks

“Did Denise tell you why she was worried?”

“She was out running and could have sworn you teleported in next to her for just an instant, but then you weren’t there.”

With that I get a flash of memory of running next to Denise for a moment. “I think I remember that. Maybe.”

I sit there for another minute.

Right. Sleeping over. I message Aunt Kate and she calls me almost immediately. Why couldn’t we handle this via text? I assure her that Emily’s moms are happy to have me. I promise to give them her phone number. Yes, Emily has a guest room. Yes, I promise I’ll sleep in it.

That one is embarrassing and a little surprising. I guess she’s still worried about over-attachment. I glance at Emily; that ship has sailed. Aunt Kate’s finally satisfied and we hang up.

Emily and I are making the bed in the guest room. I only slept here a couple of nights, but it still feels familiar, in a nice way. We finish and I sit down on it. Uh oh.

“I don’t have anything to wear to bed. Or clean clothes for the morning. Or a toothbrush.”

“Can’t you just…” She waves her hands.

“I don’t know. I haven’t flickered since the park. I haven’t exactly even tried.”

“Why not?”

I describe the not-exactly-revulsion I felt when I almost flickered after waking up earlier. I’ve had the same reaction a couple times since. “I don’t have any reason to think anything bad will happen. But that felt really—” It’s hard to say it, “—scary.”

“Oh. Can you tell me more about it?”

My brain seems to have sorted it a little better, so I try again to put it into words.

“It was like I was flickering all over the place, randomly.” I describe some of the places I found myself. “It’s really hard to focus on any one of the memories. It’s like they’re not in any order and they all sort of mush together.”

“But you didn’t go anywhere. You were twitching, but it wasn’t like when you flickered in place while we were testing. Denise thought you were near her for a second”

“Yeah, and seeing her is one of the things I can sort of remember.”

“Okay. Back to the current situation. The toothbrush isn’t a problem; we have spares. And I have some pajamas that are pretty big on me. Underwear is an issue, though.”

“It’s okay.” I close my eyes.

“Wait! You don’t have to—”

I flicker my favorite PJs, some underwear, and my toothbrush into a little stack in my hands. Something definitely feels a little different when I do it, but I can’t figure out what. In any case, I now have what I need.

“See? No problem. I’m gonna wait until morning to try anything bigger, though. Okay if I shower?” I’m wiped out.” That’s an understatement. “I’d flicker to either fix that or skip a shower, but I’m not ready for that.”

“Of course.”

The shower feels nice, but I don’t stay in long. The bed is calling.

When I get back to the guest room, Emily isn’t there. I flicker my chargers from my room at home and bend down to plug them into the outlet behind the nightstand.

“Cute pajamas.”

I jump a little at Emily’s voice.

“I like the heart,” she continues.

These are my favorite PJs because they’re the first I chose, back when this was all new to me. I don’t know whether to turn to face her and let her see me blushing, or stay down here. Turning around wins; staying bent over the nightstand is more awkward. I straighten up and turn to face her.

“Thanks.”

She has an extra blanket over her arm, and is holding a couple of chargers. Her own PJs are bright red shorts and a matching top.

“I see you won’t be needing these.” She closes the door behind her, then sets the chargers on the nightstand. Then she places the blanket on the recliner, which she picks up and sets down right next to the bed.

“What are you doing? Besides the obvious.”

“I told you I want to keep an eye on you. I can’t do that from my room.”

“I could take the recliner and you could take the bed.”

“Nah. It’s easier to keep an eye on you this way.”

She settles into the chair as I settle into the bed. I reach up and turn out the light.

“Emily?” I say very quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, and goodnight.”

“You’re welcome. Goodnight.”

There’s silence for a couple of minutes. I can almost feel her over there.

“Emily?” Very quietly again.

“Uh huh?”

“Do you think you could keep a better eye on me if you were closer?”

There’s no answer for a moment. Was that a mistake?

“How much closer?”

“As close as you can get.”

I feel her slide against my back as she slides under the blanket. Her arms wrap around me and I feel her cheek press into my back.

“This close?” I can feel her breath.

“Mm hmm.”

I feel so incredibly safe as I drift off to sleep.

I wake up with Emily pressed up against my back, her arms wrapped around me. I never want to get out of this bed.

Sadly, my stupid bladder has very strong opinions otherwise. If I don’t get up to pee in the next minute or so, there will be problems. 

Emily seems to still be asleep, and I don’t want to wake her, so I flicker to the hallway—I’ve learned my lesson about flickering straight into private bathrooms. The door is open, so I rush in and take care of business.

Memories of yesterday evening suddenly flood back into my brain as I’m washing my hands. I tense up, thinking about what could have gone wrong when I flickered out of bed, but nothing happened. I’m fine. I try to force my shoulders to relax. Deep breaths.

I want to be back snuggled up with Emily, but I doubt I can manage that without waking her. Instead, I flicker into the recliner. Emily is still in the bed, but she’s propped up on one elbow, smiling at me.

“G’morning, pretty girl,” she says. “I missed you.”

How dare she! Two can play this game. I look at the bed in front of her. There’s just room. I flicker onto it, my face inches from hers. “Hi, morning.” Fuck. 

Emily has the nerve to laugh at my distress and pulls me in for a quick kiss.

“I worried for a second when you disappeared—”

“I’m sorry—”

“No, it’s fine, I heard the bathroom door a second later, so I knew you were fine.”

There’s a little more kissing.

“You’re going to stay for brunch, right?”

Oh, I am definitely staying for brunch. “I guess. If it’s okay.”

She rolls her eyes, then kisses me on the nose. “Of course it’s okay.” She starts floating off the bed. “I’m gonna go help. Feel free to come on down or get some more sleep.” She floats over me and drops gently to the floor.

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

She closes the door behind her.

Unsurprisingly, brunch was delicious. This morning it was homemade breakfast tacos with a choice of eggs, potatoes, bacon, cheese, sour cream, salsa, tomatoes, black beans, and avocados. Afterwards, Emily made crepes.

Also unsurprisingly, my stomach now hurts a little. I would have been fine, but I didn’t know the crepes were coming, so I filled up on tacos. I’m pretty sure that I could flicker away my distress, but then, what happens to the food that was causing it? I really don’t want to think about that.

I’m helping Phoebe (Emily’s mum) with cleanup again. I tried to help with prep, but they have a system, and I realized I was more in the way than helping. I don’t mind cleanup, though; it lets me zone out a little bit.

I wipe down the table. I load the dishwasher. I’m wiping down the counters when Phoebe interrupts my thoughts.

“I chatted with your aunt this morning. She seems very nice.”

“She is. She and my uncle didn’t have to take me in, but they did. They’re not freaking out about me going out and using my power. It’s nice that they trust—”

Ugh. I kept the letter of my promise to Aunt Kate last night, but I didn’t keep the spirit of it. I think she’d be disappointed in me for sleeping in the same bed with Emily, even though that’s all we did.

Phoebe is watching me. I’m pretty sure she’s reading me like a book.

“I let her know you slept in the guest bedroom.”

Yep, like a book. Did she—

“She didn’t ask where Emily slept, and I didn’t tell her.”

I’m pretty sure my face is literally on fire.

“Who she is, and the choice she made almost four years ago mean that her life is never going to be easy. I’m guessing that who you are, and a choice that you didn’t even get to make are going to mean the same for you. With you both rapidly approaching adulthood, how could I be against the two of you finding some happiness in the middle of it all?”

She pauses, and I wonder if I’m supposed to say something.

“Muuumm!” Emily walks into the kitchen. “You’re embarrassing her!”

Knowing that she heard all that somehow makes me even more embarrassed. 

I yell a quick “Thanks, Ms.—Emily’s—Phoebe,” as Emily drags me out of the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry, Frank. Mum has no filter.”

“Uh...” I look for words. “It’s okay. That was just…”

“Yeah, I know.” She drags me up the stairs to her room. I know her slamming the door is calculated to send a message to her mum, because it doesn’t shatter into a million pieces. “Do you think you’re going to be able to get yourself home okay?”

“Yeah, but I’ll do a few test flickers here first. Just a sec.”

“What, now?”

“I want to spend at least a little time with my aunt and uncle, and I told Denise I’d talk with her, and I have all my homework still to do because someone kept me out late dancing Friday and yesterday I fried my brain.”

“We could do homework together.”

“I want to, but I need to actually do the homework, not stare at you for a couple of hours.”

That gets a little bit of a blush out of her.

But I’m supposed to be honest. “Mainly, though. I think I just need some time to myself to, I don’t know, process everything. This weekend has been a lot.”

“Oh.” She’s very quiet. “That makes sense. Sorry if I was being pushy.”

Ugh. I’ve hurt her feelings.

“No. I want you to want to spend time with me. It’s just gotta be okay when I can’t or need not to.”

“It is. It definitely is.”

I flicker a few times around her room, then her house for practice. Everything seems fine. There’s still something a little off about my mark, but it doesn’t seem to be affecting my abilities, and I can feel it on the right side of my upper back.

“I think I’m good to go.”

“Let me know it worked, okay?”

I nod and we share a subdued hug before I flicker back to my room.

Me: Home safe.

Em: ❤️

I leave my room to see if my aunt and uncle are home.

It’s Sunday evening and I’ve run out of excuses for not thinking about the stuff I need to think about. Denise is doing well, Aunt Kate and Uncle Keith were happy to have me at dinner. My homework is all done. 

I’ve flickered a bunch more with no ill effects, so I guess whatever happened is over. I need to decide if that’s something I want to talk to anyone at school about. As long as I don’t have any more problems, I’m thinking not. 

It’s time to stop avoiding.

I flicker to the roof of my old building; it was one of my go to thinking spots even before I got marked. The view is nothing special, so it won’t give me an excuse of something else to think about. What I need to think about is this.

What do I want?

I sit on the little wall running around the edge of the roof and dangle my legs over. 

It’s hard to think about this. There’s an obvious and true answer: I want to be with Emily. That’s not enough, though—at least I don’t want it to be. I spent a year and half lashing out because my future got taken away (thanks, Mr. Berry, for that insight), and even though I’ve stopped that crap, all I’ve replaced it with is her.

I can’t build a future on that. On being with somebody else. On being rescued constantly by somebody else. She rescued me again last night. I’ve lost count of how many times that makes. Let’s see, she prevented eighteen of my intentional disasters, but I won’t count those.

She kept me from smashing my head on the floor when I passed out after transing myself. She either kept me from being crushed by several tons of concrete or from falling four-hundred feet to my death, depending on what would have happened without her. She talked me down from exiling myself to another world. She found us a way home from that other world. She rescued me from suffering worse consequences of my own actions by speaking up for me at my hearing.

I look down at the tree she rescued my purse from.

She rescued me from my mom, twice in one night—bringing me food, then giving me a place to stay. She let me cry all over her about my mom at least three times, but I guess those don’t quite count as rescues. She kept me from making a stupid mistake in mecha world when I almost flickered into an ambush. And then last night she rescued me from whatever the hell that was.

I’m thrilled to be a damsel, but I don’t want to be a damsel in distress. I don’t want to be someone that she has to save every other day. And I don’t want to be her sidekick.

I almost talked to Denise about this earlier, but she has her own drama going on, so I was a friend and listened. I can imagine what she would have said, though, if I’d dumped all this on her. “Maybe stop doing dumbass things that she needs to rescue you from.”

Shut up, imaginary Denise. 

Can I do that? Can I let her go out and put herself in danger time and time again without stepping up to help? Obviously I get no choice about the first part, but the second part is all me. 

I flicker to the park where she told me she likes me. I sit on the same bench we sat on.

I’m not sure how long I sit there, not really thinking.

I’m distracted again. Bad Frank.

Obviously I have to talk to Emily about some of this stuff. That’s going to suck. But I’m still avoiding the big question. What do I want besides being with Emily?

I had this whole stupid future planned and fell completely apart when I lost it. I can’t build a future around someone else. Around someone who one day might not be there anymore. Around Emily. 

I flicker to the rooftop where we first spotted the portal that the mechs came through. Do I want to do this? Do I want to fight alien invaders? I think about the little critters in the auditorium. Do I want to herd cats?

I flicker to Zilker Park, next to where the rip was. I definitely do not want to be bait for giant snakes. That’s an easy decision. I—

Huh. I can feel something from where the rip was. I flicker back to Chicago, to the sidewalk next to where that portal was. I can feel something there, too. It’s fainter, and not as annoying, but it’s there. I wonder if these are those scars Daniel mentioned.

The only other portal locations I can think of are the auditorium at school—I don’t want to set off alarms—and the castle in Death Valley. If they’re still open, there are probably crowds and I don’t want to cause a stir.

I do know where I flickered back here from mech world, though. I flicker back up to the rooftop where I appeared behind Emily. Even focusing on whatever that sense is as much as I can, I pick up nothing. I guess that’s why Jane’s alarms didn’t go off when I showed up in her office.

I flicker home.

I don’t think I can think anymore right now—not about the hard stuff. I pull out my otherPhone. There’s this website I found where anyone can post stories, and there are a ton by and about trans people. It’s sort of comforting to read stories about trans girls who are even denser than I was about the whole thing, even if they are fictional.

It’s not that late, but I’m exhausted. I start to put the phone away, but first send a quick message.

Me: goodnight. thank you

Em: goodnight. for what?

Me: everything

Em: then you’re welcome, and thank you

Me: for what?

Em: everything

Me: you’re welcome

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Emily asks.

It’s Monday morning and Emily and I are sitting in the courtyard.

“I’m sure. I’d like to get to know your other friends better.” 

We’re going to eat lunch with her friend group today. They’ve been missing her, and who can blame them? I’ve seen most of them at lunch on B days, but I haven’t gone over and they haven’t invited me. I suspect they’re annoyed at me for monopolizing her time and still mad about the stuff I used to do, and who can blame them?

Morning classes sail by and lunchtime arrives. I think it goes a little better this time than the last time. I’m not sure, but I think I’m a little bit less of an outsider. I’m even careful not to spend all my time talking to Emily. 

“I’m just saying, I think it might be getting better this season.” Manny is doing the unthinkable; he’s defending Marked Hearts.

I disagree. “C’mon. Darla’s mark changed. It’s like the writers haven’t even bothered to check Wikipedia.”

“She’s got a point,” Will agrees with me. I knew he was a reasonable guy.

“I’m with Manny on this one,” Zee chimes in. “I’m not watching the show for technical accuracy, I’m watching it for the characters.”

“And the fight scenes,” Emily adds.

“Well yeah, that’s a given,” Zee says. Then she turns back to me. “Besides, doesn’t your mark move around? I don’t see it on your arm.”

“Yeah, but that’s different. It’s still the same mark.”

That goes on for a bit. Eventually, I surrender. The show still isn’t great, but I admit that it has gotten better the last couple of episodes.

Jade doesn’t join in. By the end of lunch, she’s the only one who still seems distinctly cold toward me. I think she and Emily are closer than the others, so I guess she’d be the one most upset about the amount of time Emily spends with me.

“Maybe we could invite Jade to go out to lunch with us sometime?” I ask.

Emily and I are sitting on her sofa about to watch the latest episode of Queer Hearts. We finished our homework already, and I’ve got time before I want to be home for dinner.

“I guess. Why?”

“I don’t want her to feel like I’m stealing her friend.”

“She doesn’t think that.”

“Then she must not like something else about me.”

Emily thinks before answering. “Maybe you should ask her.”

I don’t like that. It sounds hard. “Yeah. Okay.”

It’s my turn with the remote, so I bring up the streaming service.

“Um, Frank?”

“Yeah?”

I keep navigating to the show. The TV app for this service has the worst user interface. I notice that Emily hasn’t said anything else. When I turn to look, I see she’s staring at my arm—right where I can feel my mark. It’s been on my back for a few days now, but it’s drifted today. I twist my arm trying to see it.

“What is it?” I keep trying to get a good angle, but I can barely see the edges.

“It’s different.”

“Different how?” Marks don’t change. Okay, mine gets blurry and moves around, but it’s always the same otherwise.

Instead of answering, she takes out her phone and snaps a picture. She holds up the screen for me to see.

It’s still basically the same, but where there was a solid circle, there’s now a crescent the size of the old circle, with a smaller circle nestled in the open space in its center.

“What the fuck?”

“You hadn’t noticed? Do you have any idea when it might have happened?”

I know exactly when it happened. “The rip. When I dove back through, or maybe when I walked through the first time.”

“So that’s why you lost control.”

“I think so.”

“But everything’s back to normal now, except…”

“As far as I can tell.”

“You really need to—”

“I know. I’ll contact the office in the morning. I’ve got to talk to somebody about this.”

“Seriously. Don’t put it off, okay?” She seems really worried.

"I promise."

“Thank you.”

My mark has changed. Something about what I can do with it must have changed, too. When I was out of control, I felt like I flickered tens of thousands of times or more, but Emily said I never left. Maybe if I push lightly.

“What are you about to do, Frank?”

“I’m going to try something. If I get like I was Saturday, please call the emergency line.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“No. Are you sensing that I shouldn’t do it?”

“No, but I didn’t get that you shouldn’t go through the rip, either.”

“Maybe things would have been worse if I hadn’t.”

“Maybe…”

I focus on my mark and think of my bedroom. I push very lightly.

I can see it. I can also see Emily. Some sort of pressure builds rapidly. It’s not something I can keep up for long. Stay here, or flicker there? Stay, of course.

I tell Emily what just happened. “I’m going to try it from there, and you tell me what it looks like from here, okay?”

She nods hesitantly.

I flicker to my room, then repeat the experiment from there, with a spot in front of Emily, but a little to her left, as my target. I get the same thing. I’m both places, but I have to choose quickly. Before I choose to stay, I notice Emily turning her gaze toward me.

Once I’m only in my room I flicker back to the sofa. “You could see me?”

She shakes her head. “Not really, but I got the definite feeling that you were right there.” She points to the spot I’d been aiming for.

“Wait, is that new, or is that how you know where I’m going to appear? I figured it was just your danger sense.”

“Oh yeah, you’re a huge threat to me.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s sort of the same, but a lot stronger.”

“Next up, more than two places.”

Emily doesn’t protest this time.

I focus on my mark and try to think about my room, the roof of my old building, and Emily’s room. I can see all four places. They’re not superimposed; each is totally separate. I can’t really describe what it’s like. The pressure builds faster, and I choose Emily’s room, but try to hold on to the feeling. 

It works, but I have to move again quickly. I shuffle through the three places and back to the sofa a couple of times, then settle on the sofa. I also have the beginnings of a headache.

“That time you disappeared a couple of times.”

I fill her in on my little jaunt.

“Is that enough for the night?” she asks.

Definitely. We settle in on the couch and snuggle while we watch Queer Hearts.

“I want to be with her, but I need to have something else for when…”

It’s Tuesday morning and I’m sitting in Mr. Berry’s recliner. I haven’t seen Emily yet today. She messaged me saying she’d be late. There’s some big fire in an office building in Austin and she’s doing search and rescue. There’s nothing useful I could do for that, so I didn’t join her.

“When what?”

“What percentage of people end up with their high school girlfriend or boyfriend?”

“I have no idea.”

“But it’s really small, right?”

“I’d imagine so.”

“So she’s going to get tired of saving me at some point, or I’m going to do something to piss her off so much she doesn’t want me around anymore.”

“Have you talked to her about this?”

“I plan to. I want to get my thoughts in order first—to see if you have any advice.”

“Well—”

Oh, great. I feel something.

I interrupt him. “Ugh, there’s going to be another pointless incursion drill.” 

I’m pretty sure now that almost all of them are just drills, something The School does for some reason. Every one I’ve seen has been a portal, not a rip. Rips, as far as I can tell, can just happen, but portals are made. I don’t really think that those cute little glowing cats made a portal, and why would anyone make one to send them here?

“Why do you say that?”

“My mark has been acting weird—” at a look from him, I correct myself “—weirder. I can sort of sense portals now.”

The feeling is getting stronger.

“That’s interesting—”

He says something else, but I don’t hear him. The feeling is getting stronger. It’s getting too strong. 

“Press the panic button!” The panic buttons are these big red buttons on walls all over the school. It’s made very clear at orientation that they are only to be pressed if there’s an imminent danger to life or limb. So far as I know, there’s been one pressed exactly three times since I’ve been here. One was the robot attack, the other was some new kid trying to be funny. He regretted that. I feel a little guilty about the third one, but she had it coming.

“What? Why?”

“Something’s wrong.”

“I know you’re a little jealous of Emily’s—”

I can barely focus on what he’s saying. Whatever is happening is huge.

“Press—” Fuck this. I flicker to the hallway, right next to one of the big red buttons mounted on the wall. I slap it like my life depends on it. At almost the same time, faster than I can react, a sheet of purple-white light sweeps from the ceiling to the floor and takes the world away.