Ketch Me as I Fall

 "I'm coming over," I said into the phone.

"Today might not be the best for that," Dean said on the other end, maybe a little distracted.

"I haven't seen you in almost two months and Ketch isn't around at the moment so I'm a little bored." I shoved a few clothes into a bag. "I'm inviting Sam too."

"Alex…"

"I'll bring pie." I interrupted his protesting. "See you in like an hour."

I hung up and slid my phone into my pocket. It had been a while since I had seen them. And now that everything between Lucifer and Elly was fixed, they had been in and out of the bunker almost as much as the boys were. I wasn't upset that they were hunting together again, on the contrary really, but it did leave the place feeling empty. Especially since Ketch was still disappearing on his hunts for days at a time, and that only left Cael and Ally around, something told me they could use some time alone after what I witnessed the other day. Though it was surprising that Ely and Lucifer were willing to leave them be after what they'd said about Cael a few weeks ago.

I smiled at the thought. They had both been perfectly fine with the angel when he'd first shown up, but now that their daughter showed an interest in him, he was suddenly bad news and no good. They seemed to hate him with every breath now. But I was positive it wasn't anything too deep. I imagined they were just afraid of losing her or that she would end up hurt. Angels were dangerous things to get mixed up with. And who knew what a Nephilim and an angel could do?

I pulled up to the old blue house in the middle of nowhere and parked a few yards back from the garage. I pulled a few pizza boxes and a small pie out of the car with me before walking to where I could see Dean relaxing in a chair in the yard. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses that reflected the heat of the sun, a pair of white cargo shorts, and a red flannel he had decided to leave open. He didn't seem bothered at all about how hot it was outside, an icy beer in his hand and Fortunate Son blasting from a speaker under the chair. 

I came up beside him and turned my head to follow his gaze. Baby sat in the driveway, partially shining and partially covered in water and soap. I stepped a little closer and found exactly what captivated his attention so much. 

A smile pulled at my lips as I lowered my sunglasses to take in the view. Cas was leaning over the hood of Baby, washing her. He wore a white t-shirt that was soaked, showing off the little muscle the angel seemed to have. And his denim shorts clung to his legs like their life depended on it. 

I gave a low whistle and looked down at my brother who looked back at me with a sly smirk. "You're damn lucky he chose you."

"I am." Dean nodded, turning his attention back to his angel and car. "Cas, you missed a spot over there." Dean used the top of his beer bottle to point at a spot on Baby that looked pristine.

"You've made me wash that spot three times already," Cas grumbled. But he came around the side of the car again, sponge in hand.

"I know that," Dean said quietly to me.

I stifled a laugh as Cas squatted down and began to wash Baby's fender. Those shorts pulled tight as the fabric tried to stretch in its now wet form. His shirt was almost non-existent as it showed off his back and shoulders working.

"Little hot today, Dean." I slid my sunglasses back onto the bridge of my nose but didn't look away from the working angel.

"It is." Neither did he.

"I brought food." I shimmied the boxes. "And pie."

"That," Dean gestured at the pie box, "Is the only acceptable payment for not being able to have my way with him today."

"It's your anniversary today, isn't it? I completely forgot." A small twinge of guilt filled me as I finally remembered what today was. 

I shouldn't have steamrolled through the day without really checking with him first. But I had missed my family and the ones at home were becoming a bit much for me to handle. I needed something new.

Another car pulled up beside mine and soon Sam was joining us in the hot sun. He wrapped an arm around my side and gently kissed the top of my head before smacking Dean upside his. Dean swatted at Sam's hand while we laughed.

"You two are so mean to him," Sam commented, loosening the very nice tie around his neck. "Cas, you don't have to keep cleaning that part of the car."

Cas turned to look at all of us as he stood upright, making Dean shift in his chair every so slightly. It was hard not to laugh. "How did you…" Cas broke off as realization came across his face. After all these years, Dean could still play him like a fiddle. "You wanted to watch me." Dean shrugged and Cas sighed but smiled.

Cas walked over to where the hose had been running and started to spray down the part he had been washing. In a swift movement, the water was shot in our direction. Sam and I were quick to jump out of the way of it, my shirt taking a little damage and Sam cursing quietly as his suit caught a few drops. But we hadn't been the intended target anyway. Dean jumped from the chair, his clothes dripping. 

His expression was a deadly mix of seething and playful revenge as he shook off his hands. "Castiel." That tone was dangerous.

I laughed now and Dean smiled and raced towards Cas, who did his best to fend off my brother with the hose. But Dean was quick to dodge around the torrent of water and scoop the angel into his arms. Sam and I jumped again as another spray of water came for us.

"Good to see they're doing well," I muttered to Sam. "How about you?"

"Oh, ya know. Just busy every other day." Sam sighed, "Got some interesting cases going on. One of them is an insanity plea. We'll see how that goes."

"That does sound interesting. What'd they do?" I asked, ushering him towards the house.

"He said voices told him to rob a grave, but the graves were empty." Sam ricked a rock in the grass. "So the voices told him to kill the groundskeeper because it was his fault."

My smile dropped. "The grave was empty?"

Sam looked back over his shoulder as Dean and Cas continued to play fight. "Ya, the second case to have empty graves in the last few months. Kind of odd, but I figured it was just a weird coincidence."

"Can I talk to your client?" I pressed, calling his hazel eyes back to me. "And who was the groundskeeper? Is he still alive?"

Sam's eyebrows furrowed. "No, he's pretty dead. Is this for a hunt?"

"Ya." I nodded. "Worked one with Elly a while back on some ghouls. They were killing living people because the graves were empty."

"That's…unsettling." Sam huffed. "And it's not you?"

"Why would it be me?"

"I'm not exactly sure what you do in Hell," Sam admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just know the basics. Soul deals, endless torture, bad demons…"

"You were trapped down there…" I started.

"With Lucifer." He clarified. "That's all I knew. And I'm sure Dean doesn't remember much either. We were tortured, not running it. You should know what that's like too."

I nodded, then turned back to Cas and Dean as we got to the door. "Boys!" I shouted. They had stopped their fighting and Dean had Cas pinned to the hood of Baby, making out. "Let's eat before we have to listen to you two go at it!" I pulled Sam with me into the house. "Can you get me in to see your client? I could use a lead."

"I can see what I can do. But no promises." Sam replied.

Sam snatched Dean into his arms as my older brother came in through the door, pulling him into a headlock.

"Let go," Dean ordered, pushing against Sam's grip.

"Did you turn the hose off?" I asked Cas as he walked in after. He nodded.

"You can't get out?" Sam teased Dean, still holding onto him. "What happened, big bro? Has someone been slacking off?" Dean grumbled, still trying to pull away from Sam. Sam only chuckled. "Is something wrong?"

"Let go, Sammy." Dean hissed.

Cas rolled his eyes and disappeared into the small home. Jack came out from the hallway and looked surprised to see us all.

"Hello!" He said with a bright smile. I passed the boxes of food off to him and he happily went off to the kitchen.

"What have you been up to kid?" I asked as I followed him.

"We just got back from Missouri. The last pack of wendigo were up there in the Ozarks." Jack explained, putting the boxes on the counter and searching for plates next. "It was pretty fun. How's Ally?"

"I think she's ok. She got a little upset a week or so ago and hasn't talked to me since." I explained, taking a seat at a small center island.

"Sammy!"

I looked back through the door, and could just see Dean finally pull himself free of Sam, who just laughed as he came through the door and sat next to me, removing his suit jacket as he did so. Dean smacked Sam's arm and Sam laughed more, opening one of the pizza boxes now to remove a slice. Dean disappeared after that, I assumed to go change and find Cas. I reached for my slice of pizza and took a bite before speaking again.

"I'm sure your sister would love to hang out with you more," I said.

Jack shrugged. "I don't feel very welcome there. Elly doesn't seem to like me very much."

I lowered the slice of pizza onto a plate in front of me and sighed. "Just give her a little time, kid. It's not personal."

"No I…I understand." He nodded. "My dad doesn't seem to like me much either."

Sam and I traded glances. "I don't think that's true." Sam tried to explain to the young Nephilim. "In their world, it's been just under twenty years. For us, it's been nearly five. It's not that they don't like you. They just need time to get to know you lie we have."

I nodded in agreement, unsure of what else to add to what Sam had said. I knew what it felt like to feel like nothing. John had never really been kind to me. And Mary had barely stuck around long enough to make sure I got home ok. She hadn't even tried to come see me after I'd died, and I knew Sam and Dean had told her I was back. She just seemed so focused on hunts rather than us. But none of us had ever really known her anyway, so maybe she had always been like this.

"We could all have dinner or something every once in a while." I offered, "Spend some quality time together?"

"I can check my schedule," Sam said with a kind smile.

"I don't think a dinner will do much to help," Jack muttered. "But we can try that. It would be nice to connect with them."

I jumped a little as a hand clapped my shoulder, and I glanced back to see Dean as he reached for the boxes. "I'm up for a dinner. Better be home cooked though."

"Is there a case you're working on?" Jack asked, changing the subject as Cas joined us. "Feels like it's been a while since we've all been together."

"Not really, but I'm sure we can find one if it's something everyone wants to do," Dean suggested, a spark of joy filling his voice. "Like old times. Before rifts and British dogs."

I elbowed him. "I don't know." I looked down at my nails, not wanting to greet the disappointment I knew would be on his face.

"Does the dog have you on a tight leash?" Dean shot at me, annoyance in his voice.

"Knock it off, Dean." Sam hissed. I heard a smacking sound followed by a small ow from Dean. "If she can't hunt, don't get mad."

"It's not that. I just…haven't heard from him in a few days." I admitted, looking back up. "And I'm nervous about leaving the bunker alone with Ally and Cael."

"Why? Can't he babysit her for a bit?" Sam reached for another slice of pizza.

"There was another incident with her abilities a little over a week ago." I rubbed at the back of my neck. "I really shouldn't be worried but I can't help it."

"What happened?" The boys chorused.

"I…night have pushed her a little hard," I said, trying to keep it to that. It was probably for the best I didn't mention too much. "Go ahead and search for a hunt Dean. Let's do something fun. Make it a good distraction thought." I turned to Sam then. "Call in, they won't fire you. You're too good at your job. Jack, Cas. Can you go pack a bag for this?" I turned back to Dean, my smile starting to match the wide grin on his face. "I don't know what you'll find, but let's make it a long one. I need a good adventure."

The room was silent, but not in a tense way. In the moments before the heroes set off kind of way. And once everyone was smiling, they each raced off to do their jobs. Sam left the room, taking his phone from his pocket as he went. Dean went in search of his laptop. And Jack and Cas left the room, heading for the back of the house.

"Possible vampire nest…" Dean started as I came into the living room.

"Boring." I interrupted, joining him on the couch and looking over his shoulder. "Something we haven't seen a hundred of recently."

"Hmmm." Dean started to type furiously. "Witch."

"Rowena will get to them before us."

"Were…"

"Unless it's a warehouse that works like a werewolf, I'm not interested," I said, my smile growing.

"Then what do you want?" Dean looked up at me, his candy-apple green eyes curious.

"I want a challenge, Dean," I stated.

New was all I felt like I had had recently. New emotions. New people. New experiences. So maybe I should be looking for something easy. But I wanted more. Ketch was off doing whatever it was he was doing. Elly was being nailed to her bed by Lucifer, their relationship better than it ever had been. And Ally was busy training with Cael or other things I didn't want to quite think about. This needed to be a moment for me. No friends. No drama. No damn fiance's or Hell to look after. For one day. I would be happy for one day. Or maybe two or three.

Dean was silent when I came back to him, checking the normal places we got our hunts and trackers Sam had set up to make it a little easier. Dean's hands paused briefly and he hummed quietly as he read something over again.

"I have a week," Sam said as he came into the room, shoving his phone into his pocket. "I do need to stop at home and pack a bag for myself though. Have you found anything yet?"

"Maybe," Dean replied, a hand coming up to caress his chin as his eyes flicked across the screen. "This one is weird."

"What?" I asked eagerly, trying to get a better look at the screen.

"Up in Iowa, a guy is claiming that he saw a girl get eaten by a monster." He mumbled.

"A wendigo?" Sam questioned, sitting on the other side of Dean.

"We just wiped out the last of them," Dean said as he scrolled further down. "He describes it as some green fleshed monster. It made the street lights flicker when it moved."

"I vote yes. Let's go. We can talk to him about it when we get there." I got to my feet and felt energized for the first time in months. Ready to take the world on again. "Is everyone else in?"

"Sure." Dean shrugged. "Something new would be nice. Right, Sammy?"

"Yup. I can do some research on the way there." Sam nodded.

"Perfect." I smiled.

It felt so good to be back to normal. Just the three of us. Like old times. Before I was a demon. Before the British Men of Letters had tried to uproot us. Before Mary came back. Before everything had gone to shit. Before everything horrible…

What was I thinking? Everything had been horrible for us since the moment we had come into this world. But it had been an easier horrible. A predictable one.

Cas and Jack stepped into the room a moment later, several packed bags in their arms. And without another word, we all headed for the door. I was about to follow Sam out of the house when my phone buzzed to life in my pocket. I fished it free, ready to ignore the call when I saw who it was, but knew he would only keep calling if I did.

"I'll just be a minute," I said, letting them all filter outside as I stayed behind just inside. "Hey," I said as nonchalantly as I could.

"Hello, love." I bit my lip. The way he said it so casually like he was up to nothing, made my stomach churn. "Where are you?"

"I'm out," I replied stiffly.

"Oh." Ketch sounded surprised. "When will you be returning?"

"Whenever I want to." It came out harsher than I had intended it to. But it was an echo of how I had truly begun to feel.

He was silent for a few seconds. "I'm sensing a little hostility."

"Are you?" I snapped.

"Did I do something wrong?" 

The audacity he had to sound innocent almost made me laugh. What a load of shit. "I'm not going to answer that."

"You're mad I left again." I could hear the nod in his voice as if he was right.

"I don't give a fuck that you left again, Arthur." I rubbed at my temple, starting to pace in front of the door. I felt almost itchy like I need to move every part of my body. My muscles ached from how still I had been standing for months. My chest suddenly tightened with anxiety. "I hate how you never tell me when or where you're going. You don't leave notes, you don't call or answer my texts…"

"I didn't think that mattered." He chuckled a little.

My feet paused and I could've bored holes through the floor if my eyes were lasers. Maybe none of this mattered. Maybe I was overreacting. But it sure as hell didn't feel like it.

"Do you know how incredibly stupid it is to hunt on your own?" I hissed across the line. "And now you're not letting anyone know where you're at on top of that, Ketch!"

"You called me 'Ketch'." Good, it sounded like things were sinking in.

"And? What if I did?" I questioned. I nearly jumped as the sound of Baby's engine reached me. "I'll be back when I feel like coming back. Don't wait up for me and don't forget to burn your clothes again."

"Ale…"

I hung up before I could hear the rest of what he had to say, tossing my phone onto the couch next to the front door. I needed the time away from it too it seemed. I didn't need any of them finding me anyway. Not my best friend. Not hell. And especially not the British dog. All I needed was in the car waiting for me.

I closed the door behind me and raced for the Impala, climbing into the passenger seat. The car was silent after I got in, unmoving. I looked over to Dean, who was eyeing me out of concern. Only then did I notice the warm sting of tears as they flowed down my cheeks. My hands scrambled up to wipe them away.

"I'm ok." I nodded, though I was sure none of them believed me. "Let's go. I'm ready to start this road trip."

I reached for the dashboard and spun the volume knob up as Scarecrow in the Garden started to play. Dean waited another moment before putting Baby into gear and pulling away from the small retreat.

The car ride ended up not being as long as I had hoped for. It was about seven hours from Lebanon, Kansas to Cedar Falls, Iowa. The spot we were looking for was just outside the city in Black Hawk Park. About another half an hour from the side of town we had arrived on. But my hands had never stopped shaking, and it was beginning to bother me. They hadn't shaken like this since I was younger and human. On long hunts when I hadn't had the chance to eat because we had been staking something out and John didn't allow breaks sometimes. 

And there was so much pent-up anger. I knew it was one of the emotions made stronger by being a demon now, it felt like the only thing I felt anymore, but it was getting a little ridiculous now. I was starting to get pissed off that I was pissed off in the first place. It was like whatever rose under my skin was keeping my blood at a constant boil and there was nothing I could do to help it.

And it sure as hell didn't help that I thought I was getting fat. It was more than likely just my imagination, but it sure as shit looked like my shirts were starting to get tighter. But they had probably just shrunk in could barely do laundry to save his life. Most of his clothes ended up at the dry cleaners anyway, so he had probably just messed up a load or…

"Hello? Earth to sister dearest!"

I blinked, coming back to reality as Sam waved a hand in front of my face. I rubbed at my tired eyes and turned around to him. We were the only ones in the car. I looked around and found Dean, Cas, and Jack taking bags out of the trunk and carrying them into a motel room.

"What's up with you?" Sam asked, concern on his face. "You didn't say a word the whole trip."

"I don't know, Sam." My voice felt rough like it wasn't my own as I spoke. Sam leaned closer to the front seat. "I feel like everything is…wrong."

"Everything is always wrong." Sam kind of chuckled and ruffled my hair. I rolled my eyes. "Is it Ketch?"

I glared back at him. "Why do you all always assume it's Ketch?"

"When is it not?" Sam pointed out.

"I…fair point," I grumbled, folding my arms over my chest. "Yes, it's Ketch."

"Well…" Sam pressed when I didn't continue. "We can always beat him up, Alex. Dean and I would have no problem with that."

"I know. That's the problem." A smile pulled at the corner of my lips. They had always known how to fix things. Never a hundred percent, but they did help. "I might honestly take you up on that."

The mood in the car shifted from playful to an awkward seriousness. "What did he do?" 

"That's the thing." I sighed heavily. "I don't know if he has done anything. I'm pretty sure he had…or is."

"Tell me." Sam took my shoulder gently. 

I bit my lip. "I think he's contracted again."

"We took care of the BMOL." Sam tried to reason.

"Not with them." I pulled my feet up into the seat, an old habit Dean would chide me on if he saw. But I didn't care. "I don't know who with but they've gotta be dangerous."

"What makes you think that?" Sam gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"He's come home a few times in a new suit, covered in blood. And he's burned almost everyone. He even burned one of his favorites. What else could that mean?" I could feel my anxiety spike again.

Sam shrugged. "We burn our clothes. Sometimes you just have to because you can't get the blood out. No one is that good at laundry."

As much as I wanted to laugh at his joke, not even a giggle came up. "This was different, Sam. I'm not sure how else to explain it. But he's been hiding it from me. He just leaves without a word. He won't tell me where he's going, when he'll be back, what he's doing, or what happened while he was gone."

"Maybe it's you he doesn't like."

"Don't even joke about that." I smacked his hand and he pulled it away from me. I pushed air through my nose, trying to steady my heart as it started to race. That thought had never hit me so hard before. Cut so very deep. It was worse than having my body torn to shreds by the hounds. "Forget it. I shouldn't have said anything. Should've just kept it to myself."

Sam started to stutter with apologies as I raced from Baby and slammed the door shut behind me.

"Watch it!" Dean warned, pointing at me with his key rather than his finger. 

He must've been coming back to grab more things from the car. I shouldered boast him, but he had always been the faster one. Dean snatched me around the waist and held onto me tightly.

"Whoa there." He said. "What's going on."

I shoved against his chest. "Let go."

"No, We're gonna talk about what just happened." How was he this strong? I couldn't break his hold. Dean must've noticed it too. "You're a demon. You can't break a simple hold? Are you iron deficient or something? Can that even happen to demons?"

"Get your hands off me." I stopped the useless attempts against his hold, blowing the bangs out of my eyes.

"Sam, what happened?" Dean asked our younger brother.

I looked up as another car door closed. "I just said some stupid shit. And she got upset. Let her go, Dean."

"You're a lawyer, what the fuck did you say?"

"I have notes to go off of then," Sam said sheepishly.

I looked away as Sam came to stand next to us, Dean's arms still wrapped tightly around me. This was supposed to be a fun family trip, and it was turning into anything but.

"Please let go, Dean." It was like he had forgotten about me, jumping slightly as he finally released his grip. My arms hugged around me and I sighed.

"Do we need to take you home?" Dean questioned, concern heavy in his wine bottle eyes. His hands gripped my shoulder still, trying to get me to look at him instead of his shoes. "I don't mind taking you back. You've been out of it since we left."

"I'll be fine," I said quietly.

"Alex, you're not fine." His voice was stern, parenting. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really?" I said, hopeful he would drop it.

And if I had been Sam, he would have. He didn't like to get 'touchy-feely' with Sam. I assumed it was because it made him feel like less of a man or something stupid like that. But he was always on my level if I needed it.

"Let's get a drink." I shook my head at his suggestion, even knowing he wouldn't take no for an answer now. "Let's go. Come on." The push in his voice was gentle, but firm.

I stepped back towards Baby and Dean opened the passenger door for me. I wondered if it was because he was afraid I'd run off again if he didn't. Little did he know I didn't even feel like I had the energy to run to Hell right now.

"Sam, go tell Cas we'll be back in a bit. Hurry." Dean closed my door and I watched as Sam jogged out of the room. "What did the jerk say?" Dean asked as he got behind the wheel. I shrugged, and Dean frowned. "Alex, you should know better than anyone that I don't take 'I don't know' as a real answer."

"It was just something about Ketch." I shrugged again.

"We always make fun of him." Dean started the car. "What did Sam say?"

"The truth, probably."

"Alex." My name was stern.

"He said Ketch didn't like me."

The car fell into a tense silence and I knew Dean had lost whatever pep talk he was going to attempt. I looked up at him and saw him chewing on the inside of his cheek, a crease forming between his eyebrows as he tried to find something, anything to say. He still hadn't thought of anything as Sam joined us again, climbing into the back seat.

"Not cool, Sammy." Dean finally settled on.

"Ya, I know," Sam answered, a little ashamed.

"Hello, beautiful," Dean muttered to the burger in front of him.

I smiled, crossing my arms and resting against the tabletop. "Do you ever think that maybe you shouldn't eat that? You're getting pretty old Dean. It's going to start catching up with you."

Dean lowered the burger back to the plate. He silently wiped his hands on a napkin and looked me dead in the eye. He lifted his shirt and pointed to his sculpted chest.

"I think I'm doing fine." He grumbled, Sam and I snickering.

"Ah yes. A body only an angel could love." Same snorted.

Dean reached across the table to smack him, but Sam dodged out of the way. "I am god damn attractive, and plenty of women have loved all this."

I looked over to the bar where some girls were talking loudly enough to be heard, but not understood. But they had been listening to us. Their eyes were on us. Eventually, one of them, the more sober-looking of the bunch, was shoved forward. I put my hand over my mouth to stop from laughing at how obviously she didn't want to walk over to us.

But she eventually walked over slowly, a look of dread on her face. "My friends think you're hot. Do you want to come hang with us?"

"I'm a taken man, sweetheart," Dean answered, his mouth full of fries.

"Not you."

I let out another laugh as I looked between my brothers. Dean frowned, almost like he was offended.

"Me?" Sam seemed shocked, pointing to himself.

It wasn't often that he was chosen over Dean. But I knew our younger brother shared in many sexcapades over the last few years too. 

"Yeah." She nodded eagerly. "You want to share a shot with us?"

"Go," I whispered as I nudged him under the table with my foot.

"Get out of here, Sammy," Dean grumbled, taking a sip of beer.

Sam was hesitant at first, but quickly got to his feet and let the girl lead him across the room and to her friends.

"Alright, spill," Dean ordered once Sam was out of earshot.

My smile dropped. "We're still gonna do this?"

"You don't get out of it that easily." He huffed.

I sighed and glanced back to the bar, the young women giggling at Sam now. "You jealous?"

"Nope." He popped a fry into his mouth. "And don't try to change the subject."

I turned back to Dean and met his malachite eyes. His eyebrows were raised in the same way my dad's or John's would if he was expecting information. It made me miss my dad.

"I think Ketch is contract killing again and Sam doesn't believe me and now I don't know if Ketch even likes me anymore." I ran a hand through my hair, "And I'm angry all the damn time. I don't know what to do."

Dean didn't say a word. He simply pushed his beer in front of me and nodded to it. I took the glass and drank from it. He followed it with the basket of fries once I set the glass down, ushering to it as well.

"I don't eat, Dean," I muttered.

Dean simply motioned to it again and I hesitantly took a fry. I knew he wouldn't understand if I told him food just wasn't good anymore. That it didn't taste right. Like it was ashes in my mouth. Almost like I was eating charcoal. But I took a deep breath and ate it anyway. My eyes widened in surprise as it hit my tongue. It tasted like a fry. Salty, oily, perfect.

"Fuck…" I got out before grabbing another. "I've missed these."

"I'll go get more." Dean chuckled softly. "But when I come back, we're working through everything." He left the table with that.

My stomach growled loudly as I looked back to the basket of food. I looked down at myself, confused. It was an odd sensation to feel hungry for the first time in five years. Like I hadn't remembered what it had felt like to be hungry. When was the last time I had even felt hungry? It gnawed at me now. Strong and new.

I glanced up at Dean, who was talking to some of the girls around Sam while he waited for the new order of food, and then I returned to the fried. I couldn't get enough of them. There was no way I could get them into my mouth quickly enough. My body was crying out as if I had been human all this time and had just refused to acknowledge it.

"Slow down." Dean teased as he returned.

A full meal was placed in front of me as he sat back down. A giant, beautiful, greasy back burger. More french fries gleaming with salt. Onion rings, buffalo wings, and a large glass of deep golden beer.

"You can have as much as you want," Dean said. "Just taste what you're eating."

"I feel like I haven't eaten in years," I said through a mouthful of chicken.

"You haven't." I snatched up the beer as Dean laughed a little. He reached forward and took my hand gently, squeezing it to make me pause. "Pace yourself. I mean it. You can eat as much of this as you want, but we don't need you sick."

Dean was right. I was getting ahead of myself. We could always order more. I needed ot relax. But I didn't want to. I had forgotten how good it all tasted. The memories of everything are foggy at best.

"I think Sam might be busy tonight," Dean commented. "So you can talk freely."

"Talk freely?" I questioned.

"Alex, you know as well as I do that you keep things from him just to spare him. It's what we do as older siblings. You have to be strong for them. They can't see you break down and cry. We carry all of it on our shoulders so they don't have to." I looked up at him, and those jadeite eyes were looking at me expectantly. "You know I'm right."

I kept quiet, not wanting to grace Dean with a response. Instead, I continued to dig into my food, hoping that if I ate more, he wouldn't ask me to explain anything. But Dean had never had a problem with carrying on by himself.

"So ol' good for nothin' is killing again?" He reached forward and snatched up an onion ring, snacking on it. He didn't push for an answer as I stayed quiet. Just stayed quiet and waited for me to reply on my own. And eventually, I couldn't stand the silence.

"I think so." More silence. "I'm not sure what to do."

"And he just doesn't love you anymore?" Dean almost sounded like it pained him to admit his sister could be interesting to anyone at all. He had always been so protective in that way. 

"I…I don't know." I gulped.

"Explain."

I frowned down at the food, hoping Dean didn't notice it. And when I looked up, his eyes were on Sam across the bar. He hardly even paid attention to what he was eating from the food-covered bar table.

"He's acting weird. I don't know." I shrugged.

"Weird how?" Dean's question was more of a demand to continue than a question.

"He doesn't talk to me. Lies to me." I stopped eating and focused on my brother. "He disappears for days at a time and returns covered in blood."

"You're still not telling me something."

I grumbled a few choice words under my breath as I took a drink of beer. He had always had a way of telling when we were leaving out details. No matter how hard we had tried to hide them, Deam always knew. 

"We were on a hunt a few weeks ago. And he made me stay back. I heard gunshots and when he didn't come back right away, I got scared." Dean turned back to me now, attention fully on me. "I went inside and found this little kid."

"Did they say anything?" He asked.

"You sure you can't read minds?" I teased lightly, trying to break up the tension that now surrounded me and Mr. Business.

"Alex." It was stern again.

"She said that her dad had hired a man to kill her mom." I finally spat out.

"You tell that to Sam?"

"No," I admitted, slumping back in my chair. "I told him the gist of it but I left out what the kid said."

"Right." Dean folded his arms over his chest. "Then I'll take care of it."

I didn't like the sound of that. "What does that mean?"

"It means I'll take care of it." End of conversation.

"Dean, I will not forgive you if you hurt him." I hissed. I might have been pissed at him, but Ketch was still my partner. And I did still love him.

"I will take care of it."

I finished off the beer anxiously. Dean had always had a way of getting a little carried away with this kind of thing. It wouldn't have been the first time he had killed someone we had cared about. Sam had had friends that were met with Dean and a knife. But hopefully, he would ask first this time. For my sake at least.

"I'm heading out," Sam said, breaking up the tension as he walked back to us. 

"Which one?" Dean questioned.

"Ginger," Sam stated.

"You didn't even learn her name?" I asked, a little shocked. 

"Her name is Ginger." He corrected, a playful smile on his face.

"That's a little ironic," Dean grumbled, finishing off his drink.

"And you were absolutely right about the purple nurples," Sam said as he turned from us again.

"I suggested those like twelve years ago dude!" Dean swatted at Sam's arm lightly. 

"I should've listened." Sam shrugged and shot us another smile over his shoulder before following the group of girls out of the bar.

"Do I want to know what a purple nurple is?" I asked, a little afraid to know the answer.

"Coconut rum, orange liqueur, de blue curacao, and cranberry juice." Dean recited from memory.

I smiled at him. "How do you know that so well?" His eyebrows rose and he shot me an incredulous look. "Your wanna be college days, got it."

"What else is bothering you?" He leaned forward to rest against the table.

"Please stop, Dean." I sighed. "You're already going to kill Ketch…"

"I'm not going to kill him." He stated. "What else is wrong?"

"I don't know…I feel guilty about something that happened between Lucifer and Elly and I honestly don't know exactly why anymore. I am struggling to hold Hell together and this stupid plan has my anxiety skyrocketing. How the hell did I ever think I could end all monsters?" I laid my head on the table, thankful for the cool surface against my cheek. "How do I rid the world of monsters? There are hundreds of hunters over it. We've been hunting for hundreds of years and they still run rampant in most places. How am I supposed to be the one to fix it? I'm so tired, and running out of ideas. And then…" I sat upright and faced a very kind expression. "I think I'm getting fat!"

"You are not getting fat." Dean snickered. "That's what you're worried about?" He started to laugh harder.

"This isn't funny," I grumbled.

"You look the same as you always have. From the first day I met you, you look just like this." He continued to chuckle. "Did I get you too much to drink? You alright?"

"Stop laughing." I sighed, throwing a fry at him. "You didn't like me back then."

"You were another Adam." I pointed at me. "Someone who got a better version of the parents Sam and I never got."

"You still don't like Adam." I pointed out. "And you met him after me."

"I pity what he became," Dean explained. "He was thrown into this life with no knowledge of it. And then was tricked into giving up his vessel and dying for it."

"And me?" I asked. "How was I different?"

"You're dad trained you and you came off as some hot-headed new hunter." Dean scoffed. "You knew your shit, but you were cocky. It was annoying as a kid."

"I was cocky?" I laughed at him. "You were a cocky son of a bitch. Are you kidding me?"

"So you didn't like us either?" He teased.

"I didn't say that." I rolled my eyes. "You reminded me of my dad. I liked both of you, just took me a little longer with you."

Dean nodded, and we sat in silence for a few moments.

"I don't know how to end all monsters," Dean said first. "But we'll keep working on it. I'll come by the bunker and we can look over the books and see if there's anything there." He smiled kindly. "You wanna go?"

"Ya." I sighed. "But bring some of this. I'm still starving."