Ketch Me as I Fall

"Why do you need their daughter?" Ketch asked, adjusting his shirt while sitting on the edge of my useless bed.

"She's a Nephilim," I replied, watching his every movement.

I wanted to memorize him and his actions. I felt like I had forgotten all of them. Forgotten him and all his little quirks. The way his muscles flexed as he relaxed, or how his eyes shone when he looked at me. I had pushed the memory of him so far away when I thought I would never see him again. Barely dared to think his name, let alone say it.

"But that doesn't matter anymore. I probably won't be allowed near them ever again." I sighed.

Ketch tipped his head to the side, watching me as a hunter watched a deer as he waited for me to continue. When I didn't, at least not willingly, his look shifted to one of curiosity. I looked away from him, that steely stare was too much for me right now. 

This was probably my punishment. Finding him again after being such a horrible monster for weeks now. I honestly deserved it. I had done so many things that seemed so unforgivable now. How owls he ever forgive me? I looked up at him again, that steel gaze still on me.

"I fucked up," I mumbled. "A lot."

Ketch chuckled softly. "I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

"I have been very irresponsible since you've been gone." I lowered my face into my hands, sighing again. "I slept with him, Ketch."

There was silence as he processed my words. "You…"

"I…slept around a bit while you were…" I dared to look back up at him. His eyebrows were furrowed, and it looked like he was almost shocked. "I thought you were dead." The words blurted out of me defensively. I wanted to sink away and disappear into Hell. But I wouldn't do that to him. Not again.

"Did you sleep with other demons?" It was like I was an open book in front of him again, and he was going to read me like one.

"I thought you were dead…" I repeated. It was the only thing I could think to say. It wasn't even a great excuse.

"And you slept with Lucifer?" It was more a confirmation than a true question.

"I thought you were dead." I sounded like a broken record. 

"But you still have the ring."

Those words stopped my drowning mind. I looked up at him, meeting cool gray eyes. I looked from them, to where they were focused on the black metal band that still hung on the chain around my neck. Then I looked up at him again. He was waiting patiently for an answer.

It still took a moment to get the nerves back enough to say anything. "I've rarely taken it off."

"Why."

That one word clung to the tense air around us now, drilling into my ears and making my chest tight. Why. Why? Why had I kept wearing it? Even in the times when I had pulled it away. Or throw it across the room. I had always collected it after and slid it back around my neck. There were even some nights I slept with it in place on my finger again. But why had I bothered to do any of that?

"It's been…the only thing to keep the human side of me alive. I have come close so many times to killing the people I love or becoming a real monster. But it keeps me…sane." I reached up and clutched the ring, the truth of my words sinking in. "I can't live without it. It was the only thing I had of you. It was like you were still here to keep me in check." I shrunk away from his gaze as I met it again. "I still love you. I have never stopped."

"Then you should start wearing it correctly." He said after another silent moment.

I blinked at his words. Then silently moved my fingers along the chain until they found the clasp, easily unhooking it like I had so many times before. I slipped the ring off the chain and looked over the still beautiful red gem as it gleamed in my palm. I held my hand out to Ketch, who looked confused as he carefully took it from me. I held my left hand out to him, his confusion fading as he seemed to understand what I wanted. Slowly, he made his way over to where I sat on the bed, before carefully taking my hand in his and kissing the back of it. Then he carefully slid the ring onto the proper finger.

"You're not mad at me?" I asked carefully.

"Are you joking?" Ketch laughed. "I'm furious. But…" His hand still held mine gently. "I think I can overlook it."

"I can never make it up to you." I released the breath I hadn't known I was holding, my lungs not even feeling the staring of it. "Pretty sure I'll never be quite me again either."

He cocked an eyebrow at me again. I shook my head.

"A story for another time," I said, not wanting to further ruin the mood. "Where have you been? Not even my hounds could find you until you were killing them."

He chuckled a little. "So you were sending them after me."

"I didn't know it was you, Alexander," I emphasized the pseudonym he'd used once again. "And I was sending them after people whose contracts were up. You just happened to be in the same place at the same time."

"Then you know what I've been doing for the last year." He almost sounded triumphant.

"Not quite. You only started appearing on our radar about a week ago." I picked my legs up, scooting back on the bed and crossing them in front of me. 

"I've been taking care of the new monsters that are popping up now that the usual ones are almost gone." He shrugged. "And trying to protect those who are hunted by your dogs."

"Protecting them?" I looked at him quizzically. "Why?"

"I'm sure you remember how it felt to be hunted by them." He gently put a hand on my leg. "You've seen both sides of it now. So you must understand why I was doing it."

"They're eternally binding contracts." I shot him a smile. It was the only thing I could come up with to make my face do. "You can't just break those."

"I seem to remember you destroying many of those contracts, including your own," Ketch said it matter of factly.

I opened my mouth to make another comment about it but closed it again with nothing to say. He was right. I had not only broken my contract but those of my brothers and once even for my mother. I puffed out a sigh.

Ketch nodded. "So why the Nephilim?"

"She can help speed things up." I leaned back onto my elbows and looked him over, a smile gently creasing my lips. It was nice to see him so casually. The suits had always been classy and sexy, but this version was closer to the hunter I always imagined falling for. 

"And what would you need to speed up, love?" He turned to look at me, those silver eyes bright.

I sighed. It was such a silly tale. "Before I died, Cael told me there was something Chuck had planned for me. Something only I could do."

He laughed. "A godly plan for a demon?"

"I don't know." I gave an exasperated sigh. "But ever since I've started trying to take out every last monster, I've felt like I'm doing something right. Like that's what I was meant to do."

Ketch' face turned serious. "Alright." He nodded curtly. "I might not be a Nephilim, archangel, or a demon, but I'm here. How can I help?"

"You…" I looked at him, dumbfounded. "You want to help me?"

"I've already been hunting for months now. I might as well do it by your side again." My heart fluttered as if that was the answer I'd been waiting for. "Come on then, let's get going. You can tell me more about this grand plan on the way. And maybe I can help you come up with a way to apologize to poor Elly."

I nodded, smiling as I slid from the bed. Ketch followed suit and held the bedroom door for me to walk through. I took his hand as I stepped through the door, and out into a nightlit park, my car sitting against the curb not far away. I felt his hand slip into my back pocket, stealing my car keys before quickening his pace to open the passenger door for me. I laughed softly. Still the perfect gentleman.

I paused in my steps as my eyes caught the sight of bright red fabric hanging out of his pocket. I was quick to snatch it up as he turned to me.

"Seriously?" I asked, holding the silky red fabric up.

"You didn't seem to be needing them." He replied, a cocky smile on his face. 

"You cocky bastard." I smacked his arm, and he caught my wrist, pulling me against his chest. "I can't believe you took my underwear."

"Who knows when you're going to disappear again? I wanted a keepsake this time." Ketch pulled me in, kissing me deeply. It was as if we had never been apart. As if everything was normal.

I pushed back from him, laughing. "You're impossible." He gestured to the open passenger door. "I'm keeping these," I said as I slid in.

"That's fine." It took me a few minutes to register what he said next as the door closed. "I get to keep your virginity."

I took in a deep breath and held it as Ketch pulled my car into the bunkers' garage. It had been around twelve hours since I'd left. Long enough for Elly to tell whoever she wanted and for them to form their own opinions of me. I laid my hand gently on Ketch' arm, finally letting the breath out.

"Before we go in…" I sighed, "If Dean happens to be here, he's gotten a little edgier. And anyone else here is probably going to be pretty mad at me."

"I imagined he would have mellowed with age…" Ketch mused.

"You and just about everyone else," I said, taking another deep breath as we got out of the car. "You go in first. They're less likely to kill you on the spot."

"I am not anywhere near in their favor, Love, in case you've forgotten that." He laughed softly. "And I doubt they've taken kindly to how I left after you didn't come back."

"What do you mean?" We stopped in front of the door and I studied him. I had never heard about anything happening before my funeral, or at least Crowley had never said anything about it.

"I…I couldn't stay." Ketch sighed, his grey eyes cold and sad. "I gave it a day before packing up and leaving. I didn't say a word. I didn't help with the funeral either. I just couldn't believe that you were…so I left." He had kept his gaze down, playing with the car keys in his hand, but now he looked up at me, cold silver meeting soft amber. He smiled softly and nodded towards the door. "We'll face this together."

I nodded, a bit numb now as I processed the feelings I'd seen in his eyes. I had never taken the time to think about what my death had done to the others. What they had all felt or done after I was gone. I knew Dean had moved in with Cas, their relationship seemingly strong and growing. Sam had gone back and finished school, he had become an amazing lawyer, winning several 'unwinnable' cases in his first year. Mom was hunting with Bobby, their relationship something new and blossoming into something deeper than any of us had thought. But what had been hidden from me? What emotions and events had I ignored or missed because I was hiding from them? How could I ever think that my death never mattered? I took a step away from the door, turning and clinging onto Ketch.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. There was no use in explaining.

"There's no need to apologize." He kissed the top of my head softly, the warmth from it going down to my toes. "There's no point in delaying this any further. Let's get this over with before I decide to sweep you away instead."

"Right." I laughed softly at his joke and let go of him, everything but his hand. I held onto that tightly.

I took a finally, steady deep breath as Ketch opened the door for me and led me down into the main room. It seemed to be empty. No angels, no Elly, no brothers. I let out a deep sigh, and then Deean came out of the kitchen.

"Hey, Alex," Dean said, his wine bottle green eyes focused on the plate of food in his hands. "Hey, Ketch."

He started to walk down the next hallway, away from us and towards the study. I took another deep breath as he disappeared. I listened as his footsteps suddenly stopped, and then retreated quickly back down the hallway.

"You fucking bastard!" Dean yelled, one hand balancing his plate as he stabbed a finger toward Ketch. "Why the fuck did you come back here?"

"Oh, just on a bit of a holiday," Ketch replied cooly, shoving his free hand into his pocket. "Are you that thick?"

"Who said you could come back?" Dean demanded, ignoring the insult.

"I did." I shot at Dean, rolling my eyes. "Will you chill out, please? Why are you even here?"

Dean's eyes stayed glued to Ketch as he answered my question. "Elly called. She was in tears, completely distraught." He sighed, taking his eyes off Ketch and moving them to me. "She won't tell me what happened. I just finally drugged her enough to get her to sleep. Care to explain?"

"I…" I wasn't sure where to start. I was shifting back and forth on my feet, suddenly unsure of anything to say.

"I think you should probably leave," Dean said softly, though his voice was stern.

"She came to apologize." Ketch put forward. "I think we should allow her the opportunity."

"Shut up you lousy tea drinker."

"What room is she in?" I asked, breaking up their banter.

"Nuh-uh. No way." Dean finally set the plate down on the map table. "I'm not going to let you anywhere near her. I may not know what happened but I know it had something to do with you."

I could feel the bubble of anger that threatened to rise in me. This wasn't the time for this argument. "I fucked up, ok?!" Dean was silent, his jade-green eyes focusing on me. "I fucked up, Dean. I touched something I had no right to touch and ruined it. I broke her heart and now…"

I felt the anger, let it rise and bubble, and…turn into something I almost didn't recognize anymore. And I started to cry. What was this? It was like I was experiencing the whole situation over again through different eyes. And it hurt this time. So crushingly overwhelming that I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Dean please…just tell me where she's at," I said softly, my voice hoarse as I fought through the emotions.

He almost looked stunned. "You…" He closed those meadow-green eyes, his whole stance softening as he breathed. "She's in Ally's room."

I nodded and pushed past him. "Don't kill him," I ordered on the way by.

I left the room, walking slowly down the hall as I tried to prepare myself. What could I possibly say to her that could make up for any of it? Nothing. There was nothing I could say. It was a sobering realization. One that had me stopped outside that door, trying to remember how to breathe. I had done a very bad thing, but I was still struggling to remember that. I took yet another deep breath, focusing on what I wanted to say. What I had to say.

When I had finally worked up the courage, I pushed the door open and stepped into the dimly lit room. A single lamp sat on the bedside table, illuminating Elly's golden blonde hair. She lay on the single bed, clutching a pillow to her body. The hand she had crushed the vile with was wrapped in white cloth. She looked restless like she hadn't been able to sleep much at all. I couldn't blame her, not at all after what I had done. How hard had it even been for her to get this far? Dean had mentioned drugs. Had it hurt that badly? I could imagine losing the one I loved, I had, after all, many times. But they had always come back, and I had never lost them in the sense that she had. It must've been awful.

I moved over to the bed carefully and sat on the edge of it, my mouth suddenly dry. I realized I still had no idea what to say. And I was positive I shouldn't wake her. I laughed at myself. What was I supposed to do? Talking to her while she was asleep, while it would be easier, wouldn't do me any good either. I looked at the side table and found her phone. I carefully grabbed it and opened the camera function without opening her phone directly. I started recording.

"Elly…I…" I huffed a breath. "I don't know if you'll ever find this, or even if you'll listen to it if you do. But I need to say this." I took the biggest breath I could, centering myself. "I'm sorry. I know those words will never be enough to fix what I've done. I know nothing will ever be enough."

I could feel the tears beginning to sting my eyes and I continued. "I don't know why I did it, Elly. I don't even have an excuse. And I hate myself so fucking much for it. I'm a bigger monster than any we've ever faced together." I lowered my voice as I tried to keep it steady. "I broke your heart and your trust and I will never…never deserve it again. And I'm…I'm just so sorry Elly."

The tears were coming in steady streams now. "You saved my life and cared for me so much, and all I've ever done to pay you back was betray you." I could feel myself shaking as the words left me. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve your trust. I don't deserve you…" I stopped for a second as she shifted behind me, waiting until I was sure she was still asleep before continuing. "You're so beautiful, Elly. Not just by looks either. You have a beautiful soul too, I can see that now. It's bright and cheerful and I'm not going to corrupt it anymore." I sniffled. "I love you, Elly." There was nothing else I could think to say to end this, so I stopped the recording.

I gently put her phone back where I had found it. I sat there a moment longer, watching Elly breathe gently in her sleep. It didn't look like she was having a good dream as she twitched and moved. Maybe there was one last thing I could do to help her. Just for tonight.

I stood and placed my hand against her forehead. I closed my eyes and thought about giving her one last happy thought to think of. I thought about her odd love for penguins and my brothers. I thought about how happy she and Lucifer had been before they came here. I thought of how proud she must be of her daughter. And I gave each of those thoughts to her. I opened my eyes and watched as her body slowly relaxed. I removed my hand and turned the lamp off before leaving the room. 

"Did you take care of whatever you needed to?" Dean asked, scaring me as I came into the hall.

My hand jumped to my chest. "Don't do that…" I looked him up and down, no amusement in those pine-green eyes. "No. But it's done and…she'll at least be able to sleep happy tonight." I brushed passed him and moved up the hall back into the map room. "You'll watch over her and the kid right?"

"You're leaving?" Dean asked, following me.

"I can't stay, Dean. Was Lucifer here when you came in?" I walked into the room, stopping to look over Ketch who had found a beer to drink.

"No, he wasn't," Dean replied.

"I never saw you as a beer person," I said, walking up to Ketch and wrapping an arm around his waist as I leaned against him.

"You don't have much else to choose from." He commented, kissing my forehead softly.

"Save the love fest for elsewhere," Dean grumbled. "Where exactly are you planning on going?"

"I'm going to do what I told you I was going to. Kill monsters by the hoard." I said with a shrug. "You and Sam and whoever else are free to do what you want. I'll call you if we need any help."

"So you're just planning on going out without any other help, and trying to rid the world of monsters?" My older brother questioned.

"That's been the plan for a while now. I just hoped I'd have a little extra help by now." I shrugged again.

"You sure you'll be safe?"

I looked at my brother, moments ago he had been furious with me for something he didn't have the details of. And a little more than a week ago, he had been trying to kill me. And now he was worried for my safety?

"I'll have Arthur. I'll be fine." I gave him a small smile, trying to be reassuring. "I just can't stay here right now, Dean. I'll just hurt her more."

"Why did you come back here at all then?" Dean asked.

"I needed to apologize and get more supplies." I sighed a final time and let go of Ketch. I stepped forward and pulled my brother into a deep hug. "You're not going to lose me again, Dean. I promise."

Dean sighed himself, but I felt his arms wrap tight around me. "Just be safe. No more than like…fifteen monsters at once, ok?"

I laughed into his chest. "Ok, Dean."