Lost

“Unbelievable, seriously.”I sighed as I spoke, but Jung Woojin remained silent. As the car moved and left the parking lot, I said with a feeling of resignation, “Drive slowly. Follow the traffic signals. If there’s a screeching sound or sudden braking, you won’t be going home today.”“Who says I won’t go home?”“That’s why I’m telling you to drive carefully.”Annoyed, Jung Woojin looked out the window without making eye contact. I let out a deep sigh. A moment of silence passed, and unable to hold back, Jung Woojin suddenly said something strange.“Don’t look outside.”“What?”I was taken aback by his words and looked at Jung Woojin with disbelief.“Don’t look outside.”“Am I not allowed to look wherever I want anymore?”“Just look at me.”“Damn it, why would I look at you?”I couldn’t understand what he was thinking. Watching Jung Woojin stubbornly insist on something nonsensical, I turned my head again as the car came to a screeching halt. We weren’t in the middle of the road yet, as we were still leaving the city, but we were on a street where people were passing by. It wasn’t that crowded, and I hadn’t hit anyone, but even if we were in the middle of the road, I felt like I would have stopped the car anyway, and it made me furious. I inhaled sharply and started to unbuckle my seatbelt when Jung Woojin reached out and grabbed my arm.“No, I won’t do that anymore. I’ll obey the signals and drive slowly, so please don’t turn your head.”“Get your hand off me.”“I won’t. I really will drive slowly, so don’t turn your head!”As Jung Woojin shouted, he lowered his head over the steering wheel. After taking several harsh breaths, he lifted his head again, trying to speak calmly despite the excitement still in his face.“Please don’t turn your head. I’m begging you.”“……Fine, just drive.”“Don’t say you won’t go home.”“I said I won’t!”After taking a few more deep breaths to calm himself, he slowly started driving. I couldn’t turn my head, and I didn’t want to look at Jung Woojin either, so I just stared ahead. From time to time, I glanced at Jung Woojin. He looked pale, sweating coldly. His lips had crusted over with dried blood, making him look like a patient.Despite his trembling fingertips, irregular breathing, and complexion getting paler with time, we reached home without a single traffic violation. Jung Woojin smoothly parked the car, then reached over to unbuckle my seatbelt and said, “Stay there.”Watching him open the door and step out, I realized, Wait, he didn’t even buckle up? No way, damn it. How could he be so reckless? Jung Woojin would usually buckle up first when he got angry. I had been too shocked to even check that before. Thank goodness nothing happened, damn it. While I cursed silently, Jung Woojin came around and opened the door for me.“Get out.”As I stepped outside, Jung Woojin pushed my shoulder. My back hit the car, but it wasn’t a hard push, so it didn’t hurt. Before I could say anything, Jung Woojin lowered his head and rested his forehead on my shoulder. As I tried to push him away, I felt him trembling, so I put my hands down.“So who is that person?”“I’ve told you several times; she’s a school junior. A junior from high school. I haven’t seen her since then, but I ran into her by chance earlier. I bumped into her while talking to you on the phone, and it turned out to be her.”“What did you talk about?”“We said it had been a while, stuff like that… I really didn’t say much. I dropped my phone after bumping shoulders while talking to you. And it didn’t take long for you to come out after that.”I sighed and wrapped my arms around his back.“What else could I have possibly said?”As my hand touched his back, I felt him flinch. Just a moment ago, he was on edge and looked ferocious, but suddenly, his voice began to quiver with emotion.“You were mad at me.”“I was surprised because you came out with a knife, damn it. Are you crazy?”“You didn’t answer me when I asked where you were… I wanted to go pick you up, but you wouldn’t let me… I was waiting the whole time.”His voice, mixed with sobs, started to shake more and more. By the end, he was just crying while speaking.“You told me to wait, so I did. You said you were coming, so I waited, but you were over there laughing and talking with someone else…”His shoulders began to get damp quickly. I couldn’t make out what he was saying as his voice mixed with tears, so I gently pushed his shoulder to see his face. Sure enough, his eyes were a mess, soaked with tears.“It was true that I was laughing, but it only lasted about two seconds. You saw that by coincidence, and it was so unfortunate. Of all times.”“Don’t lie. And if I hadn’t seen, you would have kept laughing.”“I didn’t keep laughing.”“Why do you still remember a high school junior?”“I didn’t remember. She recognized me first.”“Then why do you still remember that girl?”At that moment, I suddenly recalled that she had confessed to me. A chill crept down my back. I didn’t want to lie, but since I probably wouldn’t see her again, I figured there was no need to say anything. With a calm expression, I said, “Maybe she has a good memory.”No, actually, thinking about it, that wasn’t a lie. Whether she confessed or not, the truth was that she remembered me because her memory was genuinely good.“You said you were coming to me, but you were over there with that girl…”“No…”Jung Woojin, looking like he was about to break down, buried his face in my shoulder again. He mumbled something while crying, but I couldn’t understand him. After soothing him for a while, his crying calmed down a bit, and I pushed him away to speak.“So what were you planning to do when you came out with that knife?”“…….”“When you said you’d kill me if I smiled and talked to someone else, were you serious? I thought you were just saying that, so I brushed it off, but you… you really…”“I won’t kill you.”“Then why are you holding a knife…?”“There were a lot of people there…”“…”I was at a loss for words when he added that with a sniffle. Then, Jung Woojin put on a pitiful expression, pressing his tear-streaked eyes against my neck as he snuggled up to me.“Don’t say things like you’re going to die and that you’re not coming home.”“Then stop pulling stunts like that.”“Don’t talk to strangers.”“He’s not a stranger! I told you, he’s a junior from school.”“Don’t smile either.”I could tell that no matter what I said, it wouldn’t get through to him anymore, so I just kept my mouth shut. Then Jung Woojin started sniffling again.“Don’t even turn your head away.”“…”“I really thought I was going to die.”The tears that had barely stopped started flowing down his face again. My neck and shoulders were already drenched, feeling sticky, but instead of pushing him away, I just patted his back.“Please, stop threatening me with talk of dying. You don’t have to go that far—just getting angry is enough to get your point across.”“You’re such a ridiculous jerk. So what, should I have said, ‘If you stab that guy with a knife, I’ll get mad!’ in that situation?”I couldn’t help but chuckle at how absurd it sounded, and Jung Woojin nodded.“To begin with, just don’t do things like that.”“I’m sorry. It’s just… when I saw you talking to someone I didn’t know…”“For the love of god, before you pick up a knife, just ask me first.”With a sigh, I said that, and Jung Woojin lifted his head.“When I came to my senses in a dream, I was strangling your neck, Sunbae.”“What?”At his sudden words, I furrowed my brow, and he sniffled.“You were right there, but whenever I woke up, you’d disappear.”The tears that had momentarily paused began to fall again.“I swear, we were together.”“…”“We were together, but every time I woke up, you were gone, so…”His voice wavered as he spoke, and in the end, his mouth just opened and closed without making a sound. He wiped his eyes, then started speaking again.“I must’ve fallen asleep…”“…”“If I had waited just a little longer, you might have come.”“…”“I was so tired, I should’ve held on, but…”I could barely hear what he was saying through his sobs, but I understood.“Even if you hadn’t fallen asleep and kept waiting, I wouldn’t have come.”At my words, Jung Woojin looked up at me.“I wasn’t planning to.”“…”“So don’t dwell on what happened back then. I was never going to show up.”Even if it hadn’t snowed so much that day, I still wouldn’t have gone to see him. Even if Jung Woojin had stayed awake, standing in that heavy snow, waiting for me, I likely wouldn’t have gone. The headmaster wouldn’t have let me out in that kind of weather, and it never even crossed my mind that someone could die because of the snow.“Don’t even start thinking, ‘What if?’”“…”Still sniffling, Jung Woojin nodded.“And if you have a dream like that again, just wake me up.”“Okay.”“Dreams are just dreams, so don’t try to read too much into them. I’ve killed plenty of people in dreams, too.”“Who?”“People who gave me a hard time at my part-time job, the guy who ran off with my deposit… I’ve killed a lot of people.”I sighed, thinking it over, then glanced at his reddened, tear-soaked eyes and lips that were crusted with dried blood.“Until your lips are healed, don’t come near me.”“…”“I told you not to hurt yourself when you’re angry. What about your hand from earlier, the one you hit the window with? Let me see it.”At my words, Jung Woojin clutched his arms even tighter around himself. The more I tried to wriggle out of his grip, the tighter he held on.“Let go.”“No.”Even when I slapped his back and tried to push him away, he wouldn’t budge. In the end, I gave up first, going limp in his grip. He clung to me so tightly it was hard to breathe, and we stayed like that for a long time in silence. The stillness seemed to get to him, and finally, Jung Woojin loosened his hold, looking at me with teary eyes. I took his wrists in my hands and inspected them; they were slightly swollen and red.“Don’t touch me until you’re all healed.”“You might as well just tell me to die.”“For someone who keeps saying they want to die, why don’t you let me say it?”“When you say it, it sounds real.”I sighed heavily at that.“How could I die and leave someone as dense as you behind?”“Then I’ll just stay dense forever.”Jung Woojin stretched out his arms and hugged me again, rubbing his face into my neck and shoulder like a child seeking attention, refusing to let go. Looking at him, I spoke seriously.“Hey, about earlier—”“Call me Woojin.”“No… Ugh, fine. Then you call me by my name too.”Every time I tried to speak seriously, he would do something like this. I sighed, and after a moment of hesitation, Jung Woojin whispered softly.“Seoju.”“No, seriously… You keep calling me Seoju. Am I your friend?”“You told me to call you by your name.”“You should add ‘Sunbae’ or ‘Hyung’ after it!”This guy is impossible! My barely controlled temper exploded as I shouted, and Jung Woojin, once again, acted all pitiful and clung to me.＊ ＊ ＊Back at home, I sat Jung Woojin on the sofa after he showered and brought out the first aid kit. His lips were so chewed up that just looking at them made me grimace.“Your lips are so swollen, you look like a fish.”“Do I look weird?”“Don’t even touch me until they’re healed. You look really ugly right now.”I said, pulling a disgusted face, and Jung Woojin looked at me with a devastated expression, like someone who had lost everything. I didn’t care, though. I disinfected his wounds, gently applied ointment with a cotton swab, and continued.“I’ll let it slide this time, but if you do this again, I’ll really get mad.”“I’m sorry.”“Don’t talk, just listen. I need to apply the medicine.”At my words, Jung Woojin nodded.“Whenever I talk to someone, wherever it is, the first thing you should do is ask me what we talked about. Don’t come storming out with a knife like a maniac, screaming at the top of your lungs. Wait until we’re alone and then ask.”I sighed at his disgruntled expression.“If you keep swinging knives around and flipping out just because I talked to someone you don’t know, or because I smiled for—ugh, for crying out loud—it wasn’t even two seconds. It was just one second, literally one second. If you keep losing it over something like that, I can’t be with you.”“Those kinds of things…”“Shut up and listen. Like I’ve told you so many times, just because I laugh and talk with someone else doesn’t mean I’ll start liking them, and they won’t start liking me over something so trivial either. Even if by some miracle that happens, the person I love is you, so there’s no way I’d ever date them.”As ridiculous as it felt to explain something so obvious, I knew with Jung Woojin I had to spell out even the most basic common sense.“Even if I leave the house because I’m mad, I’ll still come back because I’ll want to see you. Although, I know you hate it when I leave, so I probably won’t, no matter how angry I get. But even if I did leave, I’d come back.”“…”“I’m not staying here because you begged me, cried, or made a scene. I’m living with you, staying here, and telling you I love you because I want to.”Jung Woojin had been opening and closing his lips like he wanted to say something, but he clamped his mouth shut. His eyes blinked a few times before tears began to fall.“And earlier, when you asked where I was, I said I was nearby. The reason I didn’t tell you exactly where was because I was watching you from outside.”“Why were you watching me from outside?”“Because you looked cute when you smiled.”“…”“That’s why. It wasn’t because I was talking to him and didn’t want to tell you.”With his voice breaking, Jung Woojin fell silent again. I watched as tears started rolling down his face again, and I reached out to wipe them away.“Honestly, if you ask me if I love you as much as you love me, I can’t say yes. But at least by my standards, you’re the person I love the most in this world.”“…”“Out of everyone I know, and even everyone I’ll ever meet, you’re the person I love the most.”“Ugh…”A sound slipped from between his lips. Even though his eyes were tightly shut, tears flowed continuously. I wiped them away and pulled him closer by the back of his neck, and he leaned into me. As I stroked his hair, I pressed my lips gently against his tear-streaked eyes.“If it wasn’t you swinging knives around or dragging me by the wrist like a dog, do you think I’d put up with this? I’m only tolerating it because it’s you. If it wasn’t Jung Woojin doing this, you’d be dead by now.”“I’m sorry.”“Idiot. We’ve been living together for over two years, and you still don’t get it unless I spell it out for you?”I had planned to speak more seriously and sternly, but seeing him cry like that, I couldn’t be too harsh. Even if he hadn’t done anything with that knife earlier, the fact that he had threatened me with it was a problem. And in the future, Jung Woojin might keep doing the same thing. Even if he doesn’t actually kill me, he might continue to make threats, yell, and jump to conclusions. It was inevitable that violence would creep into our relationship.I used to think things would get better over time, but now I’ve given up on that hope. Jung Woojin probably won’t change, no matter how much I tell him I love him. It’s a distrust that’s been building for a long time, and it’s not something that can be resolved in just a year or two.Despite that, if I go even one day without telling him I love him, he gets depressed, whines, and if I don’t answer my phone even once, he frantically comes looking for me. He does all sorts of things just to hear those words he doesn’t even believe. Maybe he thinks that if he hears it dozens of times a day, he might believe it a little more.“Since I already abandoned you once, if a situation comes where I have to do it again, you be the one to leave me.”“I can’t leave you even if I try. I’ve tried before and failed. How could I leave you, Sunbae? Don’t say something so awful. I could never do that, not in a million years.”“Then I’ll wait until you succeed. Even if it snows, even if it rains.”At my words, Jung Woojin closed his mouth. I watched as tears continued to fall and closed my eyes. Even with my eyes shut, I could see his face clearly.Maybe the one who most desperately wants to believe the words ‘I love you’ isn’t me, but Jung Woojin himself. If that’s the case, I can say it as many times as it takes, until the day he finally believes it.“Jung Woojin.”When I opened my eyes, his tear-filled gaze met mine. It’s true he’s a bit crazy in some ways, but even so, despite everything…“I love you.”I like you.