MADMAN APOCALYPSE

Breezy, the Adjudicator, gazed at me with an exasperated look in his one big eye. Next to him was a sentient doll that looked eerily similar to me, except 1/5th the actual scale.

“¡Hola! Soy Gambito!” it said cheerfully in a very racist Mexican accent.

“Breezy, what the hell is that?”

IT IS MY NEW PET, GAMBITO.

“It’s very flattering,” I told him without meaning it. “But also very creepy.”

I USED ONE OF YOUR HAIRS TO CREATE IT.

“That’s… Are you stalking me?”

THE WAY I OBSERVE YOU MIGHT BE DESCRIBED AS SUCH.

I frowned. “Do I need to file a restraining order?”

“You’re here to fix my Client’s new Ability, right? Then let’s cut to the chase,” Panda said.

I looked at him. “Client? Are you my lawyer now?”

THERE HAS BEEN SEVERAL COMPLAINTS FILED AGAINST GAMBIT.

AGAIN.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to him,” Panda advised, taking his new self-appointed role very seriously.

I AM NOT SO MUCH CONCERNED WITH ITS DAMAGE POTENTIAL.

THE ISSUE LIES WITH THE STRAIN IT PLACES ON THE SYSTEM.

SUCH CONTINUED STRAIN WILL HAVE ADVERSE EFFECTS ON ITS HEALTH.

“I have a way to make it less broken,” Panda said. “You could keep the spirit of the Ability but have the numbers of punches raised to the power of his Punch.”

LIKE THIS?

‘Math.pow(Punch)’ x

Evolved Ability

Evolved from the ‘Math.multiply(Punch)’ Passive.

By uttering the word ‘Pow!’ before a punch, the number of punches performed since the start of the fight are raised to the power of Punch.

Restriction: one use per fight

“Yes, exactly like that!”

“Isn’t that going to be really weak?” I muttered, disappointed.

CURRENTLY YOUR PUNCH DEALS 400% IMPACT DAMAGE WITH JUST YOUR GAUNTLET, THIS MEANS THAT THE RESULT OF YOUR ABILITY WOULD HAVE BEEN 844 WHICH IS 50 MILLION DAMAGE.

50 MILLION DAMAGE WOULD HAVE MORE THAN SUFFICED TO SLAY ANNOUNCER JEZA.

“But, before it dealt 484, which is… a lot,” Panda replied.

IT IS TOO MUCH.

“If I continue to power up my Punch’s damage by getting better equipment or skills, I can raise that 4 to something higher, right?”

YES.

YOU ALREADY POSSESS THE SEA URCHIN RING, WHICH BOLSTERS YOUR POTENTIAL UP TO 800% IMPACT DAMAGE.

YOUR GAUNTLET CAN ALSO BE EMPOWERED TO DEAL 400% MORE DAMAGE, MEANING THE TOTAL POTENTIAL YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW IS 1600% OR 16 PUNCHES’ WORTH OF DAMAGE.

“God I love multiplicative damage calculations,” I muttered. It was a shame I hadn’t had the wherewithal to use the ring’s power on Jeza.

THIS METHOD OF ACCRUING POWER WOULD BE MUCH MORE ALIGNED WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE GREAT GAME AND IS UNLIKELY TO CAUSE THE SYSTEM ANY UNDUE STRAIN.

FOR NOW.

I looked at Panda.

“We should take this deal right?”

“Better than him stripping it from you or ruining it altogether. Not to mention, it doesn’t seem to deal any damage to your body like Punch Harder.”

YOUR ‘PUNCH HARDER’ ABILITY NEVER GOT CLOSE TO THE SAME AMOUNT OF DAMAGE AS WHAT THIS NEW VERSION OF ‘MATH POW’ CAN ACCOMPLISH. ITS BASIC FUNCTION WAS TO DOUBLE THE PREVIOUS INPUT AND EVEN WITH THE ‘MULTIPLY PUNCH’ PASSIVE IT NEVER GOT ABOVE TEN MILLION IN DAMAGE.

“You really are a stalker if you know all that.”

IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND ALL OTHER PLAYERS IN MY JURISDICTION.

“We’ll take it!” I then said before Breezy could change his mind.

VERY WELL.

THE CHANGE AS BEEN MADE.

ONE FINAL QUESTION.

“Yes?” I asked, worried.

WHAT EXACTLY IS THE ISSUE WITH GAMBITO?

I looked at the doll made in my likeness.

“¡Hola!” it said cheerfully, yet somehow still managing to make that one word sound like a horrific caricature.

“My first problem is that it’s speaking Spanish, and not even well. It sounds like Speedy Gonzales… You could’ve at least made it sound like Antonio Banderas.”

THE PROCESS FOR CREATING A HOMUNCULUS IS COMPLICATED. SINCE I HAD BUT A SINGLE HAIR, THE RESULT WAS UNPREDICTABLE. IT CHOSE THE MOST COMMON ANCESTRY FOUND IN YOUR DNA.

“Damn, really? I was sure I was mostly Irish and Italian.”

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SUBMIT A GREATER SAMPLE VARIETY, I CAN RECREATE YOUR LIKENESS WITH BETTER ACCURACY NEXT TIME.

“You’re not gonna be cloning my Client!” Panda defended me ardently.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be cloned…”

A SHAME.

WHAT AM I TO DO?

I STILL WISH TO EXPERIENCE HAVING A PET.

I WILL CONSIDER OTHER AVENUES.

The eye above the upside-down pyramid turned its gaze on Homunculus Gambito and with a single ray of black energy, he was wiped from existence.

“Holy fuck!” I exclaimed. “You didn’t have to kill him!”

Without another word, the Adjudicator vanished, making time return to its normal flow.

“I think he might be upset,” Panda said, obviously afraid of what that’d mean for us.

“I missed him again!?” Bee exclaimed in annoyance, halfway out the elevator door, where she’d been frozen this whole time.

“He changed my skill,” I told her and shared the updated description with her.

“That’s still pretty strong,” she replied, while lazily gliding across the screaming tapestry exposed across most of the floor.

As she landed next to me and picked up the keycard to floor 8 that Jeza had dropped upon death, she asked, “Why does it smell like burnt hair?”

I sniffed the air. “Huh, you’re right.”

“RIP Gambito,” Panda said with a tinge of sadness in his voice. “He was like a brother to me.”

“Who’s Gambito?” Bee asked, confused.

I looked down at the wisp left behind from where the Announcer had stood:

Leftovers of Announcer ‘Jeza’:

‘Jewel Wasp Wing’

‘Announcer’s Microphone’

“You should give that Wing to Bee,” Panda said. “Last time, Riii’s abilities were all magic-based, so Jeza’s are probably similar.”

I nodded. “Good idea.”

Since I felt like I had a lot of powerful abilities now, it was better to help Bee get some of her own too.

‘Jewel Wasp Wing’ x

The wing of the Jewel Wasp Announcer known as Jeza.

It is delicate and lightweight, as any insectoid wing, but its fragility belies its strength.

In order to unlock its powers, you must put it on your tongue and swallow it whole.

Weight: 0.1 Pandas

Bee put the wing fragment on her black tongue and swallowed it.

“Hopefully it isn’t spiked again like last time,” Panda said.

“I’d forgotten about that,” I replied.

Bee nodded approvingly, as though she liked the taste, then shared the following pop-up.

Choose your reward! x

Jeza had some pretty powerful fans amongst the Pride Demons, so I’d steer clear of them if I were you, not that those are creatures you normally want to hang out with anyway.

It’s a shame you defeated her in such a manner though, since Jeza had quite a few cool tricks up her sleeves that you never got to see.

Pick one of the options:

‘Moth Maneuver’ | ‘Poker Face’ | ‘Brawny Helper(s)’

‘Moth Maneuver’ x

Ability

Pretty invaluable if you often find yourself being chased down by giant bats wanting to eat you.

Redirect all your current momentum in a new direction without slowing down.

Cooldown: 15 seconds

‘Poker Face’ x

Passive

Also useful when you aren’t playing low-stakes poker with a bunch of try-hard losers.

You become the master of keeping a straight face, making it impossible for anyone to tell when you are lying.

‘Brawny Helper(s)’ x

Ability

I’m so smart, my brain can beat you up!

Grow two additional spectral limbs from your soul that have a Strength value equal to your Intelligence attribute multiplied by three.

The size of the limbs increases for every three points of Intelligence.

While active, other Abilities cannot be used.

Duration: 30 seconds

Cooldown: 2 hours

“Hm, no Glitched skills this time around,” Panda remarked.

“Maybe it’s because those only show up for Gambit?” Bee suggested.

“At any rate, you should take the Brawny one, it’s very versatile and scales amazingly-well with your Intelligence.”

“The Moth Maneuver seems pretty useful,” I said.

“She can already fly, she doesn’t need more movement skills,” Panda argued.

“I wanna be able to punch things too,” she added.

I grinned. “Alright, I’m convinced.”

“Hey, everybody, shut up!!” Brock exclaimed.

We all looked at the yellow balloon gauntlet on my hand.

A beat of silence followed.

“Oh wow, you fakkers actually listened. Imagine that.”

“Get to the point.”

“I fakkin leveled up, didn’t I!?”

The pop-up followed.

I scanned it briefly, then frowned.

“This can’t be good.”