Only Realized After Losing You

40. I Missed Her A Little

After finishing what he wanted to say, Lennon left the Count’s residence.

I was somewhat relieved at the sight of him leaving.

I didn’t like that feeling.

Hardwin and I were sitting on the sofa in Hannah’s room.

There were no words exchanged.

There was only silence between us.

We had gone a long time without speaking. For me, the silence wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.

But there was one thing that bothered me.

It was that Hardwin’s face looked dark as he sat next to me.

It was I who broke the silence.

“I feel good… Don’t you?”

I thought Hardwin was mad at me.

Maybe he was annoyed that I couldn’t stay in Hannah’s room and bumped into Lennon.

His face seemed to be asking if I couldn’t even wait for a moment.

Of course, that was just my speculation.

Otherwise, I didn’t think there was any reason for him to have a dark face.

Then, Hardwin’s face slowly turned towards me.

He made eye contact with me for a moment, then lowered his gaze.

Soon his eyes rested on my wrist.

“… It’s swollen.”

“Huh?”

“Your wrist. It’s swollen.”

I looked down at my wrist.

It had been red when I’d looked at it earlier, but now, as Hardwin had said, it was slightly swollen.

“Lennon Hills. I really don’t like him. What the hell… How hard did he grab it?”

Oh. I answered briefly.

Then Hardwin stood up with a sigh.

He walked with a familiar gait over to the chest of drawers against the wall.

Hardwin opened a drawer. In his hand was a small first aid kit.

He sat next to me again, closer than before.

After rummaging through the first aid kit, Hardwin took out a white pack the size of his palm.

“Give me your hand here.”

I obediently extended my hand towards him.

“It’s a pack that makes you feel cold when you put it on. Just put it on for a moment.”

“… Okay.”

Contrary to his indifferent tone, his touch as he placed the cold pack on my wrist was delicate.

I felt relieved.

The reason Hardwin’s face was dark was not because of me, but because of Lennon, who held my wrist tightly.

“And if someone grabs your wrist, say this next time.”

“Hmm?”

I saw Hardwin’s gaze rest on my wrist.

He answered while looking straight into my eyes.

“It’s rude of you to grab a lady’s wrist without permission… Hmph.”

As his sister had emphasized, Hardwin was a hard worker.

He was trying to imitate a woman’s voice.

I found that sight so funny that I let out a weak smile.

“Don’t laugh. I’m serious.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Then repeat what I said.”

I turned to face Hardwin and imagined Lennon’s face.

Black hair, red eyes, an arrogant nose, and hot, breathy lips.

“It’s rude of you to grab a lady’s wrist without permission.”

I wish I had said this when Lennon grabbed my wrist.

I regretted it in hindsight.

“Good job.”

Hardwin smiled softly.

And then Hardwin’s face, which for a moment seemed to be Lennon’s, was once again his own.

“I…”

Hardwin wanted to say something, but seemed hesitant.

I gave him a weak smile, as if to say it was okay to speak.

As if gathering courage, Hardwin slowly began to convey his thoughts.

“Can I… give you a pat?”

He must have wanted to reward me.

I nodded for the first time in a long time.

Now, it was a little more convenient responding with words than nodding.

It was really strange.

Just a few months ago, I was a woman who had no motivation for life.

I had no idea what to do or what I wanted.

There was nothing I wanted to eat, nothing I wanted to do, and I didn’t even dream of the future.

I was just alive and breathing because I wasn’t dead.

But ever since I came to the County of Phever, it felt like my life had completely changed.

I now had a clear goal.

I wanted to speak perfectly, repay Hannah for saving me, and wanted Hardwin to be happy.

It wasn’t that the change was unwelcome.

On the contrary, now I finally felt that I was alive.

While I was thinking that, Hardwin was ruffling up my hair.

Before long, his hand fell away.

I made eye contact with Hardwin.

As our gazes locked, Hardwin tilted his head as if he was a little surprised that I was just looking into his eyes.

“Thank you.”

Thank you for taking care of my swollen wrist, which I didn’t even know I had.

“Hardwin, thank you.”

Thank you for making me feel alive.

“… Ellie.”

I felt the smile that had been lingering at the corners of my mouth deepen.

It was completely different from the artificial smile I gave Lennon.

This was a smile that came from the heart.

“You. You’re so bright…”

Hardwin quickly turned his head to the side.

He didn’t just turn his head, he stood up from his seat.

“Going out?”

When I asked, Hardwin nodded slightly.

But he didn’t show me his face.

“… I’m going. To rest.”

Hardwin strode out of the room.

The tips of his ears were red as he turned and walked away.

Hardwin… Did you feel like my words of gratitude were burdensome?

* * *

The next day, in the early afternoon, I took a walk in the sunny garden with Hardwin.

There wasn’t much reason for it.

The day was nice, the breeze was nice, and we could practice talking.

I had to speak more eloquently.

That was enough of a reason.

“Would you like to sit down?”

Hardwin, who was walking well, pointed to the well-manicured lawn.

There was also no reason to deny his offer.

“Okay.”

Sometimes it wouldn’t be a bad idea to sit casually on the grass like this.

As soon as I settled down on the grass, a gentle wind of unknown origin blew in and tangled my hair.

Somehow, I thought I could hear Hannah’s cheerful laughter in the breeze.

“Now that I think about it, there’s still a lot I don’t know about you.”

Hannah. Are you listening?

I’m talking really well right now.

Your brother is doing so well too.

If the sound of your laughter on the wind was real, you would be listening to our conversation right now.

Hardwin took off his jacket, draped it nonchalantly over my shoulders, and asked,

“What are you curious about?”

… Today, I came out with my coat on so I wouldn’t have to steal his coat.

But I fastened his jacket tightly.

There was no reason to reject Hardwin’s kindness.

“Ellie?”

When I didn’t answer, Hardwin called my name.

I asked.

This was probably the most basic question to get to know each other.

“… Birthday?”

Hardwin answered without hesitation.

“November. I was born on the day the first snow fell.”

“It suits you.”

Hardwin furrowed his brows a little.

“In what way?”

He seemed to find it awkward with the idea that him and snow were comparable.

Meanwhile, the gentle wind continued to blow.

Hardwin’s hair was swaying aimlessly.

I looked at his silvery hair as it swayed gently and replied.

“Your hair… is like snow. It resembles snow.”

Then Hardwin asked me the same question as me.

“When were you born?”

“March. They said I was born in early spring, on the day the last snow fell.”

“Ellie, your hair is like snow.”

I see. I smoothed the ends of my hair a little.

Hardwin looked at my fingertips and said.

“So we were born on the day the first snow fell and the day the last snow fell.”

“Hmm when will it snow this year?”

“Dunno.”

Hardwin, who said that, smiled and looked up at the sky.

It was still too early to think about winter.

Today was a perfect fall day. The sky was high and clear.

Hardwin spoke as if confessing.

“I always saw the first snow with my sister.”

How did it feel to see the first snow fall with someone?

Last year, I saw the first snow alone.

The Ellie back then and the Ellie now were noticeably different.

But regardless of my changes, the seasons that had passed would come back during the same time.

Without fail. Just in time.

This winter, would I be able to see the first snow without being alone?

Maybe it was my greed.

But I conveyed my intention to Hardwin.

“I… Is it okay for me to take on that role?”

The first snow you saw with Hannah.

Will you be able to see it with me this winter?

Hardwin pulled his gaze from the autumn sky to look up at me.

A soft smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

As if what I wanted was not greedy.

“If you want.”

Then the wind blew again, leaving a tiny ringing in my ears.

There was a hint of Hannah’s echo in there, like she was calling me “Ellie…”.

I missed her a little.