Only Realized After Losing You

48. I Wanted to Reach Out To Him

I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. That was the way of the world.

I pushed myself up from where I was sitting.

“I think I… should go.”

Hardwin looked at me with complicated eyes.

“I’ll go with you.”

I nodded slowly.

“But before that, give me a rough explanation.”

“Sure.”

Before I explained the situation to Hardwin, I turned to Madeleine.

“Madeleine. I beg your pardon… Lebrado, no, I mean the man, could you quietly escort him to the parlor? And tell him that I’ll be there in a few minutes to see him myself.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Madeleine gave a small bow and turned away, walking briskly down the hallway.

Hardwin closed the slightly open door and turned to me.

“Ellie…. What did he mean by ‘master’… Do you have strange hobbies or something? Raising a man… no. What am I talking about?”

He ran a rough hand through his gently cascading silver hair.

“I didn’t raise him… I think I picked him up.”

It was a later summer day, a day warmer than these days.

Lebrado came up to me while I was tending to my flower garden and licked my dirt-caked hands.

When I thought back to the day I first met him, I remembered the feeling of him sucking my fingertips.

That feeling sent shivers down the back of my neck.

The feel of the tip of his red tongue made my fingertips and toes curl up.

Lebrado, who usually acted like he had a screw loose, was frighteningly sincere when he licked my hand.

It almost felt like he was going to eat my hand.

My hand?

Sometimes I had a strange feeling that I might be eaten by him at any moment.

I wasn’t sure where or how to begin explaining this to Hardwin.

It was a much more difficult task than confessing my involvement with Lennon.

But I didn’t have much time left.

I had to explain my situation to Hardwin before Lebrado lost his mind and went looking for me.

In a short period of time. Clearly.

“You know how I listened to other people’s problems because of my father… right?”

This was something I mentioned earlier when talking about Lennon.

Hardwin answered.

“Mhm.”

“That man was one of the people who told me his story.”

“… … .”

“I went out into the city for a bit this afternoon, and we ran into each other by chance.”

“You went out today?”

“Yeah. Something came up, and I couldn’t keep my identity a secret from him. So…”

“… … .”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he would come to me right away. I was waiting to explain to you.”

Hardwin’s face deepened in thought after hearing that.

“Hardwin. I’ll take care of him. He’s a little different from Lennon.”

Lebrado was a far cry from Lennon, who had an air of danger about him.

Even though he knew my identity, Lebrado didn’t seem to want to harm me.

As crazy as it sounded, I felt like he would protect me.

Like he was truly my loyal dog.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that I thought Lennon would harm me.

I just wasn’t sure about Lennon.

Even though I thought he was a good person, I couldn’t completely trust him.

It was a baseless distrust.

“… Okay, let’s say everything you said is true. But why does he call you ‘master’?”

I wondered if I should tell him about Lebrado’s secrets.

It was different with Lennon, who’s secret didn’t involve Hardwin.

Lebrado’s backstory was relevant to the question, because it explained why he blindly trusted me as his ‘master’.

Hardwin stared at me as if he wanted an explanation.

“Hardwin. He has his reasons for calling me ‘master,’ and I think it’s up to him to decide whether or not to reveal them to you, because it is a very personal matter.”

I couldn’t divulge someone else’s secrets without their consent.

Even if it was Hardwin, whom I trusted the most.

But I was worried.

I was afraid that Hardwin would be disappointed in me for not telling him everything.

I was afraid of his disappointment.

I even had the thought that the only person I trusted and relied on might turn their back on me.

It was then that Hardwin’s hand rested on my head.

He said, in a nonchalant manner, while tousling my hair.

“It’s okay. I’m not disappointed. As you said, that’s his secret, so it’s not on you to tell me.”

As if he had noticed all my worries and fears.

Hardwin even went as far as to say that it was his fault.

“I was short-sighted. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Oh, no, no…Thank you for understanding.”

His stony face suddenly relaxed.

Hardwin gave a small smile.

I had no doubt that he was smiling for me.

Hardwin…

I was so grateful that words alone could not fully convey it.

I just looked up at him.

I couldn’t figure out how to express my gratitude.

He was the first person who had ever been this considerate of me.

“But Ellie, you shouldn’t have revealed your identity to that man so quickly.”

“… I’m sorry. It was my fault.”

“Okay. As you said, let’s go to the parlor first.”

“Yeah.”

After our short conversation, we left the room.

Hardwin walked one step ahead of me.

I stared at his broad back as we walked down the hallway.

What can I ever do to repay you?

His back was within touching distance.

I wanted to reach out and touch him.

* * *

As soon as we entered the parlor, the man sitting on the sofa jumped to his feet.

“Master!”

There was only one person who would call me that.

Lebrado.

We stood at the doorway, staring at Lebrado.

Lebrado looked completely different than he had during the day.

He, who had worn a neat knight’s uniform before, had changed into a comfortable-looking shirt and black slacks.

The buttons on his ivory shirt weren’t buttoned all the way to his neck.

A couple of the buttons on his shirt were undone, revealing a silver necklace.

It shone brightly in the light of the chandelier in the parlor.

It was an accessory I had never seen before.

Hardwin couldn’t easily make his way to the sofa and whispered to me.

“It’s not a dog… ‘master’?”

“Yeah. Maybe he really is a puppy.”

“…What?”

Hardwin looked at me as if to ask what nonsense I was talking about.

I didn’t mean to, but I said it to Lebrado without thinking.

“Lebrado. Sit down.”

As soon as I finished speaking, Lebrado sat down on the sofa again.

“Yes, master!”

The cheerful answer was a bonus.

I whispered to Hardwin in a small voice.

“Hardwin. Look at that. I said it was real.”

“… … .”

Hardwin was silent.

He looked like he didn’t have the slightest idea what to say.

That was the extent of our whispering.

Lebrado was sitting on the sofa with his back straight.

Hardwin and I took our seats opposite to Lebrado.

Lebrado never once looked at Hardwin, who was sitting next to me.

His golden gaze was always fixed on me.

It was almost as if Hardwin was invisible.

It was Hardwin who broke the silence.

“I am Hardwin Phever. I am the one protecting her now. Who are you?”

Only then did Lebrado’s gaze turn to Hardwin.

Lebrado, who had a gentle expression when looking at me, quickly hardened his face.

He answered with a sharp voice and alert face.

“I am Lebrado Resense. I am a knight of the Hills Duchy, I serve Miss Ellie as my master.”

Lebrado spoke as if I were a member of the Hills Duchy.

As a knight of the Hills Duchy, the master he should serve would be Lennon…

I thought it was a very strange statement.

“I think you’ve already figured out her true identity, but I can’t tell you the details of our situation, except she’s currently standing in for my sister, Hannah Phever.”

“I know.”

“Do you intend to leak this fact somewhere?”

Hardwin continued talking without giving Lebrado a chance to respond.

“Even if you think that way in your mind, you probably won’t say so in front of us.”

The words came out sour and bitter.

I almost wondered if it was really the same Hardwin who had been so sweet towards me.

“… … .”

Lebrado didn’t answer, he just looked at me again.

I had been watching him for a while, so our eyes met at once.

It was at that moment that Lebrado stood up again.

He walked over to me in just two steps and knelt down in front of me.

I didn’t even have time to react.

I didn’t know much about knights.

But I had occasionally heard about the pride of a knight.

I heard that they did not easily kneel to anyone other than their lord.

But Lebrado had knelt before me twice today, without a moment’s hesitation.

His golden eyes looking up at me had a determined gleam in them.

It was a look of great determination.

While looking at me, he took off the necklace that was hanging around his neck.

Then he held it out towards me.

I looked at the silver necklace Lebrado was holding out.

A small gold ring hung from the silver cord like a medallion.

The ring looked a little small for Lebrado to be wearing.

Could it belong to someone else?