Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 10

Hallucinogen

“…Another meaningless remark.

Just grant my wish already.

I’ll make one, as much as I want, for as long as I need.”

I chuckled faintly, clasping my hands together.

A mockery of prayer.

I wasn’t really talking to anyone.

As always, I lay on my bed, staring into the void and muttering to myself.

If I were to assign a recipient for my words, it would be the demon, god, or some human entity that had crammed me into this body.

If this phenomenon isn’t just a delusion, it means someone must exist who made us this way.

Given the godlike power they’ve demonstrated, making a wish doesn’t seem entirely unreasonable.

Of course, I didn’t expect it to be granted.

Most of me still believed this was someone’s delusion.

Besides, anyone with such a twisted sense of humor couldn’t possibly have a normal personality.

“Rationalization, delusion—what’s next, a cult?

Really, I’m following the stereotypical path in the worst possible way.”

I didn’t know.

It would work out somehow.

I closed my eyes again.

It was almost time for school, but for some reason, I couldn’t muster any strength.

Even though I’d been sleeping almost all day lately, the drowsiness wouldn’t go away.

It seemed even the duke’s daughter knew that staying awake would only drain her mental strength.

Still, I had to attend class.

No, more than that…

“Yeah, I’ve got torture to endure. Today’s session… heh.”

***

…Forget it.

Let’s skip today.

I’ll just sleep, and if I hurt twice as much tomorrow, so be it.

If there’s even a shred of mercy left in them, they’ll let me off for a day.

Of course, I knew better than to expect that.

With a hollow laugh, I fled into a dream, wishing that when I opened my eyes, I’d wake up as if nothing had happened.

Just like on my first day at the academy.

Endlessly repeating and praying.

My expectations missed the mark, in the worst possible way.

When I woke up, I left my room without a trace of emotion, like a doll.

Now, with homeroom over, I found myself surrounded by the usual crowd.

At the front of the group, Ariana wore a concerned expression.

Of course, unlike Sena’s, hers was an artificial look, so it didn’t bother me much.

“It feels like it’s been a while, doesn’t it, Your Grace?

I heard you were unwell yesterday… Are you feeling better?”

How had the story turned into that?

Had Sena made up another excuse for me?

I wasn’t sure, but I wanted to tell them to mind their own business.

I forced a wry smile and opened my mouth.

“…Of course, I’m fine.”

Even if I weren’t, I’d still be here.

“That’s a relief! We’re testing something different today, so it would have been inconvenient if you weren’t well.”

With a picture-perfect smile, she turned to the noble boy standing beside her, holding out her hand.

He placed a long box into Ariana’s hands.

“Oh, if you’re still feeling any symptoms, please let me know in advance. I’ll have to adjust the mixture.”

“The mixture…?”

Ariana pulled out a syringe with a strange hue from the box.

Feeling an ominous premonition, I asked again.

She spun the syringe once and cheerfully replied, as if waiting for my reaction.

“Yes! Today won’t hurt as much. We can’t go hitting a patient who just recovered, can we?”

So, it won’t hurt as much this time.

In other words, they’re planning to jab my soft skin with that suspicious drug using that hollowed-out awl.

It was obvious.

A stimulant, an aphrodisiac, or a hallucinogen—something along those lines.

“Instead, we’ve prepared this. It’s called a hallucinogen!”

She proudly held up the syringe. The blue liquid inside swirled.

Of course, I was right.

I hated how accustomed I’d become to predicting this.

It may seem like an exaggeration, but the history of drugs truly dates back to ancient times.

Even in Sumer, the so-called cradle of civilization, traces of processed opium have been found.

Humans, weapons, poaching, drugs. Among the four pillars of the black market, drugs were notorious for being impossible to quit once used, making them extremely lucrative.

For various reasons, drugs have been passed down through the hands of those driven by greed for money and pleasure. And all humans harbor such greed.

That’s why drugs can never be eradicated, no matter how hard people try.

Once injected, even the most devout individual is doomed.

This world was no different.

Drugs were still regarded as a social evil, and even the current emperor despised them. Wasn’t the empress dowager—his mother—a severe drug addict?

The issue was this world’s outdated societal structure. There was no proper regulation against drugs.

Sure, commoners caught using them might be executed, but it seemed the aristocrats, who saw drugs as a means to make easy money or indulge in fleeting pleasures, felt no need for restraint.

As a result, most academy students could easily access addictive substances.

Excuses were always ready to be made.

Ariana, now rolling up my sleeve and searching for a vein, was no exception.

Her family background likely made acquiring drugs for torture purposes as easy as pie.

Few tortures deliver despair like giving someone drugs and then cutting them off.

She carefully inspected the crook of my left arm, running her hand over it several times.

Apparently, my veins weren’t easy to spot, as she frowned slightly.

“You’ve got thin veins. I thought they’d be easy to see with such pale skin.”

“Can’t you just jab it anywhere? Why go through the trouble of finding a vein?”

“This isn’t a particularly strong hallucinogen. If I used something too potent right off the bat, Your Grace might break immediately.”

I was already broken. You broke me further, yet now you worry about that?

Was this like playing with a toy you planned to keep for a while? Well, it had only been four days, so breaking me too soon might be a waste.

They’d said it wasn’t easy to find noble test subjects they could use as they pleased.

I quietly watched the group chat among themselves.

Since I didn’t resist or react, they didn’t bother tying me up like last time.

It was the right call. Even if I’d been left alone, I wouldn’t have tried to run.

I simply stared blankly at the syringe Ariana held.

Since I was about to be injected with it, it wouldn’t hurt to speculate about its effects.

I’d never seen a drug with such a brilliant blue hue in reality. Perhaps it was a magical substance unique to this world.

When you think of hallucinogens, LSD comes to mind first, though I’ve never actually tried it myself.

I think I’ve heard accounts from others before, so let me try to recall.

Heightened imagination, fantastical images, fluid transitions between scenes, vivid and bizarre patterns, ever-shifting colors.

A few words drifted through my mind.

Not bad.

As you can see, I was remarkably calm.

There wasn’t any particular reason for it.

Maybe I was hoping for a good experience.

After all, drugs are supposed to bring pleasure.

Sure, there’s immense pain waiting once you quit after becoming addicted, but that’s likely not anytime soon.

At the very least, they’d wait a month or so.

No need to be scared prematurely.

In fact, withdrawal symptoms might suppress the duke’s daughter’s vague resistance to suicide.

They would offer me a sanctuary of pleasure, an escape from my broken state.

Perhaps even nudge me back toward reality.

“Oh, I’ve found it. Sorry to keep you waiting, Your Grace. Let’s get started!”

“……”

“You should say something, shouldn’t you?”

“…I’ll leave it to you.”

“Yes! I’ll do my best.”

Ariana gripped my arm firmly, her eyes curving gently.

In her gaze, I could see a faint glimmer of anticipation.

Sometimes, it seemed like she enjoyed seeing how her victims reacted during torture.

Would I meet her expectations this time?

To be honest, ever since Sena left, my mind had felt empty, as if something had snapped inside me. I wasn’t feeling much of anything at the moment.

I hoped this experience might bring a change.

This state of mine wasn’t particularly enjoyable, after all.

The sensation of turning into a doll was always unpleasant, no matter when I felt it.

Thinking that, I stared at the tip of the syringe slowly approaching me.

Soon, it pierced my pale, paper-white skin and sank inside.

A sharp sting rippled through me, followed by the cold sensation of metal brushing against the wound.

Ariana pressed the plunger once the syringe was fully inserted.

Warm liquid trickled through the needle and flowed into my veins.

Strangely enough, I could feel the drug coursing through my veins.

So, it was the beginning.

I’d heard LSD took about 50 minutes to kick in after administration—how about this one?

I couldn’t tell if my racing heartbeat was from excitement or fear.

Perhaps Ariana’s personality was rubbing off on me, but in reverse—on the one being tortured.

“…You’re too tense. The effects will kick in soon, so try to rela—”

Suddenly, Ariana’s voice stretched endlessly, as if time itself had slowed.

…Already?

Startled, I blinked, but nothing had changed about her. Instead, strange, incomprehensible murmurs filled the air around me.

“──”────”■■■?”────────!?”■■, ■■ ■■■ ■■■?”────.”■■ ■■ ■■■■■.”────────────”■■■ ■■■■ ■■■ ■■■■■■■.”──”■■■■■, ■■■ ■■■■!”──── ──────── ────”■■.”────!!!?!”■”────■■■────■■■■■■────■■■────■■■■■■────■■■■■■■■■────────────────────────────────

Murmuring.

Who? Who was it?

In my panic, my vision darted around, taking in the faces of those surrounding me.

Strangely, they were glowing.

Grotesque, luminous masks.

When did this place become a masquerade ball?

If such masks existed, I’d like to buy one myself.

Gradually, an intense excitement rose in my extremities, so strong it was almost paralyzing.

My head, body, and limbs turned cold and numb, one after the other.

It felt as though I was no longer myself.

But it wasn’t like the feeling of becoming a doll.

It was more like shedding the shackles of my flesh and being reborn as something new.

My throat was dry.

My breath came in shallow, rasping gasps.

I felt suffocated, as if I were underwater.

No, it was water. At some point, the classroom was filled with water.

A sense of fear crept in.

My mind alternated between moments of utter confusion and brief flashes of clarity.

The sensations of constriction and release oscillated dizzyingly.

Weak? How is this a “weak” hallucinogen?

Time around me twisted endlessly.

Ariana’s voice elongated into eternity, blending with fragments of past, reversed, vertical, and even future speech.

The group surrounding me was swept away by her torrent of words, their thoughts spilling into my mind unfiltered.

These thoughts became swords, hands, even my eyes.

Space flowed with time as one.

Hearing became sight, vision turned into sound, and smell could be touched.

Touch unified everything, becoming a perfect sense.

I could hear, see, smell, and feel everything.

The air touching my soul brought an exaltation so vivid it was like a nail being driven into the crown of my head.

Crushed by fear, yet descending into madness, I spiraled further.

The worst part was that I couldn’t stop it and was fully aware of what was happening.

The occasional sensation of my body separating from “me” felt vibrant yet akin to death.

In those moments, I thought I had died.

My “self” floated somewhere in space, and I could see my dead body slumped in a chair.

The “other me” left behind mourned, wandering the room.

At that moment, I became two.

As the extreme fear reached its peak, it began to subside.

Two became three, three became four, until I realized that the “me” who cared about such things had already vanished into the cosmos.

***

Now, I could enjoy the unprecedented colors and forms lingering behind my closed eyes.

Ever-changing, fantastical imagery surged within me like a kaleidoscope, morphing and exploding into fountains of color, rearranging and blending in endless fluidity.

Like turning pages in a book or raising the curtain on a play.

The world transformed, completely overshadowing reality’s visuals.

To me, it was an omniscient, omnipotent, and all-encompassing experience.

The world was being recreated.

The sound of doors opening and closing, footsteps, and murmurs hovered in the air, distinctly visible and physically present. Witnessing this metamorphosis felt profoundly meaningful.

Every sound, scent, life, death, shape, and void formed a ceaselessly shifting image, each with its own coherent form and color.

It was pure will.

The will of existence itself to continue being.

In this moment, I felt the value of a god’s existence.

Above all, I was deeply moved by the realization that I, too, existed among them.

This was a monumental discovery that no one in history had ever grasped.

I had broken through the wall.

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Lost in euphoria, I suddenly felt a sense of alienation.

Even though I had long lost the sensation of my body, I couldn’t shake the awareness that something was piercing my arm and flowing into it.

Before I could process the thought, the world shifted entirely.

The omnipotence faded, the rapture disappeared, and reason returned.

I couldn’t hide the emptiness left by the fall.

Still, the hallucinations from moments ago had been unnaturally intense.

Even the vivid accounts of LSD experiences I had heard didn’t compare to this.

Perhaps there had been a mistake, and they had administered a sedative to stabilize me.

I thought as much, briefly reveling in the lingering pleasure of what I had just experienced.

It didn’t take long to realize that this was a grave misconception.

In an instant, the scenery around me changed.

The familiar Adelian mansion appeared.

In its center, I was standing with someone.

He was in front of me.

“Remia? What are you doing?”

“…Hans.”

It seemed the true hallucinations were just beginning.

A creeping sense of unease surged, warning me that this was about to become a horrifying nightmare.