Stalking Diary

Chapter 4

“I’m going crazy. I’m really going to lose my mind.”

“What is it? Tell me.”

“I need to go back to the classroom for a moment. I left something behind.”

However, when I returned to the classroom and checked where I had been sitting, nothing was left. I searched the surrounding area thoroughly, but the notebook was nowhere to be seen.

It couldn’t be more devastating. My name was written in that notebook…

Seeing the clean desk, I felt like the sky was falling.

Who could have picked it up?

I stood there blankly for a while, then walked out of the classroom listlessly. Kim Jae-hyun was nowhere to be seen, perhaps having left ahead of me.

As I trudged down the stairs alone, wondering what to do, I heard a familiar voice as soon as I exited the building.

“Ryu Jeong-ha?”

When I looked up, Joo Kwon-oh was standing there, looking directly at me.

He was smoking in the designated smoking area in front of the building.

While Joo Kwon-oh’s voice was familiar, hearing him call my name felt completely unfamiliar.

I approached him cautiously, unable to meet his gaze, feeling like a criminal.

“That’s right, your name. Ryu Jeong-ha.”

He pronounced my name clearly, as if confirming something.

“Yes.”

“Why did you go back up? You left earlier, didn’t you?”

Why is he asking me this? Of all times, at this moment?

My heightened senses bristled like sharp thorns.

“I went to look for something…”

I barely managed to squeeze out a response.

Joo Kwon-oh, standing more than half a head taller than me, looked down at me as I struggled to make eye contact, and exhaled cigarette smoke.

“Did you find it?”

Hearing his low question, I felt a chill run down my spine.

“No… Well, I should get going then.”

I turned away without checking Joo Kwon-oh’s expression. As I walked towards the Fine Arts building, I wished I could just disappear into the ground.

What were the chances that Joo Kwon-oh had seen the notebook I left behind?

I ran simulations in my head. Unfortunately, I concluded that among the students taking the liberal arts class, Joo Kwon-oh and Choi Kyung-won had the highest probability of picking up and checking the notebook left conspicuously on my desk.

They were close to my seat, and they knew I always sat there. Moreover, we were now in the same group.

“What should I do?”

I kept muttering those words.

Writing my name on everything – brushes, aprons, notebooks, paints – was a long-standing habit I developed while preparing for art school entrance exams. Of course, I had written “Ryu Jeong-ha” in the notebook, so I couldn’t even lie that it wasn’t mine.

Did Joo Kwon-oh really see that notebook? He might not have. If he hadn’t, why did he suddenly talk to me? Because we had a meeting together today? Even if it was in his hands, he couldn’t have looked through all the contents in such a short time.

Even if Joo Kwon-oh hadn’t taken it, it was still a big problem. One way or another, rumors about me being gay were bound to spread. And that’s not all – I might even be labeled as a stalking pervert.

“Jeong-ha. What’s wrong with your face? Are you feeling sick?”

Bae Yu-rim noticed me as I entered the painting studio and spoke to me.

I shook my head weakly. I didn’t even have the energy to speak. I had even gone to the teaching assistant, but I still couldn’t find the notebook.

Where on earth did it vanish to? Even if the world ended, it couldn’t be more depressing than this.

I felt weighed down by a form of desperate emotion stemming from “that incident” I had observed from afar in middle school.

In my second year of middle school, there was an incident where a student I didn’t even know was forcibly outed as liking the same gender.

Parents and teachers who heard the rumors advised us not to associate closely with that student. Everyone only felt relieved after the student, unable to bear the shame, finally transferred schools.

After that, I never revealed to anyone which gender I was attracted to. I intended to keep it that way for the rest of my life.

But now that I had lost the notebook, that resolution was useless.

Due to the severity of the situation, I couldn’t even focus on the assignment I had been deeply engrossed in recently.

I sat in front of the easel, blankly staring at the work I had painted on the canvas. While the background was an imaginary space I had made up, the protagonist sitting with his back turned was Joo Kwon-oh.

If someone had seen that notebook, they would know it belonged to me, and then there was a high chance they would realize that the protagonist of my practical assignment was Joo Kwon-oh.

“Jeong-ha! Aren’t you going to put on your work clothes? Why are you spacing out like that?”

“Yeah, are you sick? Or did something happen when you went back to the classroom earlier?”

My classmates in the studio showed concern for me as I had been sitting motionless for a while. I knew I should say something, but only a long sigh escaped my lips.

“He’s completely out of it. Is it because of the assignment?”

“But you drew it well, why? Don’t you think the professor will say it’s fine to submit as is, just refining the details?”

“That’s right. This angle is quite unique.”

“Oh, what is it? I want to see too.”

My classmates gathered around me, still holding their brushes, as I sat there dejected.

“…This is just something I drew. I’m not submitting it for the assignment.”

In fact, it wasn’t that I wasn’t submitting it – I couldn’t submit it anymore.

“You’re exaggerating. It’s pretty good.”

“Hey, Kim Jae-hyun. Put your brush away, you got paint on Ryu Jeong-ha’s clothes.”

“Oh, sorry?”

Only then did I lower my head to see that paint had splattered from the brush Kim Jae-hyun was holding. Although it wasn’t very noticeable since it was a dark color, I couldn’t keep wearing regular clothes in a place where multiple people were working.

“I’ll go change into my work clothes.”

As I went to the corner of the studio to change into the work clothes I had taken out of my locker, Bae Yu-rim and Kim Jae-hyun’s voices echoed behind me.

“Jeong-ha, tell us if you’re sick. I’ll give you some medicine.”

“If he’s sick, you should tell him to go home, not give him medicine.”

“It’s unfair if only we do the late-night work. We all grumble but still go together.”

“What’s wrong with Bae Yu-rim’s personality?”

“Yeah, your face.”

“Oh, that’s childish. And I’m pretty good-looking, you know?”

“Who says so?”

“My mom. Got a problem with that?”

“There are various aesthetic standards in the world. Respect your mother’s opinion…”

“What’s with that expression, Bae Yu-rim?”

“Move your face, I want to take a picture of the studio.”

“Why are you taking pictures again?”

“To post on Instagram.”

“I’m going to start sketching tomorrow, so take it tomorrow.”

“Okay, then move aside.”

Even listening to my classmates’ banter after changing into my work clothes didn’t improve my mood.

I pressed my throbbing forehead and stared at Joo Kwon-oh in the canvas for a long time.

*

The next day.

In the end, I couldn’t sleep a wink all night because of thoughts about the lost notebook. I did stay up late working as Bae Yu-rim wished, but I made no progress on the painting.

This was because I wasn’t sure if I should continue drawing Joo Kwon-oh.

I felt like I should change the painting completely now, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to come up with a new concept at the moment.

That’s because we had another group project meeting for the liberal arts class today. In other words, it meant I had to meet Joo Kwon-oh again.

“Oppa Jeong-ha, you’re early?”

Shin Ji-ye greeted me cheerfully as she opened the door to the empty classroom. In contrast, I nodded with a haggard look, dark circles under my eyes.

I wanted nothing more than to run away right then and there, meeting or not. No, should I just give up on the liberal arts class altogether?

“Um.”

I cautiously spoke to Shin Ji-ye, who was taking out the materials she had prepared in advance.

“Yes?”

“Yesterday… after the group meeting…”

I was about to ask if she had seen a notebook left on the desk by someone, but the closed classroom door suddenly burst open.

“Hello? Oh, you’re both already here? We’re the last ones.”

Two people barged in with energetic greetings. It was Choi Kyung-won and Joo Kwon-oh.

I reflexively lowered my head and hunched my shoulders.

“We just got here too. Isn’t it a bit cold today? They say it was sleeting at dawn.”

“No wonder my hands felt cold.”

“That’s because you’re wearing thin clothes. Why don’t you have an outer layer? Did you play basketball again this morning?”

“Yeah, but we lost.”

“Oppa Kwon-oh, do you like basketball?”

The three of them, excluding me, exchanged conversation naturally. I was already timid and lacked the skill to join conversations, but I was even more withdrawn than usual because of the notebook.

As I kept my mouth shut, waiting for the meeting to get to the main point, Joo Kwon-oh started taking out materials for the meeting from his bag.

There was a thud as he placed printouts and reference books on the desk. My gaze naturally fell on his desk.

And in that moment, I felt my breath stop. Then my heart plummeted to the floor.

Because my notebook was sitting right there on top of the stack of printouts Joo Kwon-oh had taken out.

All of my thoughts seemed to malfunction and come to a halt.

“What? Got something to say?”

Joo Kwon-oh raised his head, sensing my wavering gaze. He looked directly at me and raised an eyebrow.

‘What. Got something to say?’

It was the same expression and voice he had used when dealing with the thugs on the day of the opening assembly when I first saw Joo Kwon-oh.