The Love They Never Had

"Young Master? What are you thinking about?" "She handled herself really well...she wouldn't have been able to do that before." "Didn't the physician tell us that due to her lost memories, it is inevitable that her personality would change?" "Has it though?" "Excuse me?" "Her personality hasn't really changed, she is just as shy, sweet and kind as she was before. It is just that her temperament isn't the same anymore, she isn't as docile as she used to be." "What are you thinking about?" "She...sometimes when I spend time with her, I feel like she hasn't really changed at all. Only her face has." "How would you know? You barely look at her when you do spend time with her." "I..." "What is it?" "Something is different. Something has changed, I just have no idea what it is." "Young Master?" "Never mind, just stay close to her for when she needs you."

I tried to bury my head into my books after that, but the issue just kept bothering me deep down and it wouldn't let me be. Yeon had changed for the better I had supposed, but there were now limitations between us that I was putting up and I had no idea why. For Yeon? Why was I guarding myself around her? She was the most innocent person in my life, so why? Why couldn't I look at her face yet? What was I scared of? And I knew she loved to read books in the past, but I had no idea how intelligent she was. I had no idea how artistic she was, how eloquent she could be, how much she makes me laugh with her facial expressions just like her brother always did. We could even debate about all sorts of topics for hours on end...I didn't have this with her brother. We were close that was for sure and we spent a lot of time together, but we were men and we didn't really...talk. But with Yeon being a girl, I didn't seem to have that problem. In fact, she was much too easy to talk to and that scared me. In the current situation that we were both in, I could not talk to her and I shouldn't. I haven't told her about her brother, I did tell her briefly about her parent's passing but for some reason, I wasn't truthful about her epilepsy and I didn't know why. But it was far too late for me to say anything about it now and it was my fault. I was so wrapped up in trying to find a way to get Hwi out of my father's sight that I temporarily forgot about Yeon and how she would react when I sent soldiers to pick up her brother and put him on the first ship to Liadong. There was nobody to catch her when she had her fit for the first time and now she couldn't remember anyone at all.I was about to partake in my first war, I finally had the chance to prove myself to my father and the world that I was more than an illegitimate fraud and I had major plans for my own future to think about afterwards...so why couldn't I get this girl out of my head?

"Bother? Brother? Can I come in for a few seconds?" "I...I told you not to bother me unless it is important Yeonnie, you know I have to start packing and..." "I have already packed for you." She replied swiftly as she made her way into my study without waiting for me to let her in. I could only bury my face in my books to hide the guilt that I felt every single time that I heard her usual cheery voice whilst still unaware of everything that had taken place. "Excuse me?" "I only came in to tell you that I have already packed for you so you can focus on your studies more." "What...I..." "Well, I couldn't expect you to do such a mundane task when you have more important things to think about, especially when you don't seem to use the servants that you have around you. Which is unusual..." "Look, you..." "...But I'm sure that you have your own reasons. So. You need to eat all of this before you leave and don't even think about leaving out a single grain of rice, or I'll be very upset. You are already quite skinny for somebody your age to be honest." "Excuse me?" "Can I ask you something?" "What is it?" "Why are you such a strict diet? You train all day and read for the rest of the day and you aren't even eating enough to sustain your body..." "well it isn't any of your business!" I snapped, I couldn't help it, I just did. Was she watching me? Why? It wasn't like I watched her? Nobody in this home cared about me so why did she all of a sudden? She couldn't even remember who I was and...and she was the first person that muddled my thoughts together. I couldn't think clearly around her and it was starting to throw me off. No matter what had happened between us, I still needed to move forward with my plans and goals so I could protect her and find her brother.

But I still felt bad about me snapping at her so I turned around to apologise to her, but she had already turned around and left before I could even say anything at all. I felt bad enough to follow her to her quarters, but she had shut her doors for once. So I tried to go back to my own quarters but for some reason, my feet refused to move. I had only a few minutes before my father came home and maybe I could catch a break from all of these doubts. Which was ironic due to the fact that the woman who resided here was the one who clouded my thoughts.

"...My Lady, I am loyal to you, but I have no option either. The other servants have made up their minds and..." "you have no option? I didn't know that you can lead a cow to water and make it drink. And since you are devoted to my service, you could always decline this request. They will surely appreciate your loyalty." "But..." "it is ok, inconsideration is inevitable for a disabled guest like myself, you may leave now." What a bunch of fools, I had had never been so disappointed in these servants in all my life. I specifically gave them to Yeon, thinking that they would help me to take care of her, and they dared to just leave her alone and defenceless? I...I mean I knew hat she could take care of herself, but that was before. Could she even remember how to fend for herself?

Before I knew it, I had temporarily lost control of myself and I had poked a hole in her paper doors so I could...watch over her, just to make sure that she was ok. What I was not expecting to see was her full undressing herself with her back turned to me before she got into her bath and started talking to herself with a rather wide smile on her face and rosy pink cheeks to match. "What a stubborn old fool. He practises weaponry non-stop until his fingers bleed and his body collapses right under him. That is all that he does: practice, study, eat a tiny portion of food that wasn't nearly enough to fill him up all day long and drink litres of water. What kind of life is that to live? Especially for a nobleman...even if he is only a quarter of it." She then proceeded to read out the poem Quatrain by Ch'oe Hang quite curiously before she dressed and dried herself without any assistance at all. I knew that she was still technically a lowborn, but it had been quite a long time since i had witnessed anyone who dressed and talked like her actually care for themselves.

Stop it, do not distract yourself now of all times. Just leave her alone, she will still be here after the war has ended. Yes, she gave me a good idea to start taking down my father, but it was honestly bad timing. This was a mistake, I should never have gotten this close her so quickly and I should not have given her such a big gift. I had never made a mistake like this in my life and if I wanted to survive long enough to kill my father for what he had done to me and put me through, then I could no longer let my thoughts be swayed. As horrific as my goals had come about, they were well within my reach now and I needed to make sure that all my years of suffering and humiliation wasn't for nothing at all.

But there was nothing wrong with taking on a smaller distraction to help myself breathe and loosen up a bit. Han Hui-Jee was the one that had my heart, but I hadn't achieved any accomplishments to show myself to her yet before I proposed marriage to her. So I turned around again to leave once I saw that Yeon had put herself to bed, but I just couldn't help myself but to take one last look at the flowers. And I was pleasantly surprised to see that she had taken rather good care of them. I was in a solemn mood now and I couldn't help but to recite the poem that Yeon had read out a few times until I heard someone say it back to me. I stood up as quickly as I could and I almost ran back to quarters where not even an hour later, a maid that I was unfamiliar with had walked in with a tea tray in her hands. She wasn't noticeably pretty or anything, in fact, she had a pretty common face. But when I smelled the tea that she had brought in, I could also smell the conspiracy behind it all. And I wouldn't have known it if it wasn't for...

"I have brought you tea, young master." "I did not ask for any tea, I wonder who asked you to bring it to me." "I..." "Speak. Who was it?" "Kim Chun-Ae hopes that you will remember her decade long service to you. She says that you sleep quite late, so you must have more refreshments..." "in all of the years that she has served me, she has never gone against my father's instructions on my diet. I really wonder why she is deciding to break her rules now?" "I..." "Is this tea made out of the snow on the chrysanthemums?" "Yes, young master." "And who allowed you to touch them at all?" "Forgive me young master, I..." "Get lost! Who taught you to touch what does not belong to you?" "If was a gift from you, so I..." "it was a gift from me to her, and therefore the flowers belong to her! You will kneel down outside of her quarters for an entire day in forgiveness, starting now. You have even scented your clothes with her flowers just to seduce me!" "Please forgive me, I...." "Go!"

"Young Master? Is everything ok?" "This household is turning upside down ever since she got here!" "Is that what you are really upset about?" "What do you mean?" "I thought that the Moung mistress making all of this commotion was a good thing? Isn't she helping you undermine your father?" "Now I am beginning to understand why her bother locked her up and limited her interactions..." "Young Master?" "...and it isn't entirely because of her epilepsy. That brat, that goddamned brat, who is she to cause so much chaos at once? I..." "Young Master, will you permit me an observation?" "What is it?" "You are not angry at the maids, and you are not overwhelmed by their advances. You are upset that the one who showed up here tonight wasn't the person that you expected to see..." "What are you talking about? She was here today." "Young Master, you are just starting to finally achieve your goals. You need to go to war and win over the general so he can grant you a place in the palace before your father has the chance to throw his weight around and shower you with nepotism. After everything you have been through, you cannot allow him to ruin your only chance of being noticed for your merits alone. And you cannot be distracted; if you want to protect Yeon, you have to maintain some distance. Young Master?" "Bring me that maid tomorrow, I will make use of her before I leave." "Young Master?" "I am angry and I need to vent out my emotions. And I need somebody to play with." "The Young Mistress...?" "She is to be kept well out of this until I have had enough. Protecting her is my top priority, even if I have to sacrifice my time with her. And Dal?" "Yes?" "You are not coming to war with me, you will stay by her side and report everything to me. Every action, emotion, thought and sentence that she utters, I must know about. Keep a journal for me to read when I come back."