The Love They Never Had

"Who...who gave you the right to address me like you have been recently? I AM YOUR LORD..." "Who abandoned me in a war full of men suffering from the plague? It will be really very interesting to see how the Emperor would react to this piece of news if he heard about this." "You bastard!" "Yeonna, go back to your quarters and do not come out again until I come to see you. Go now, and do not make me repeat myself." "Brother..." "I am fine Yeon, just go now or I will let my father punish you."

There was nothing I could say to this, so I decided to just do what he said. And I did wait for him to come and see me, but he completely avoided me for almost an entire week. I tried to behave, to be obedient and bite my tongue, but I was really getting very worried. In the end, I had to sneak out of my rooms as the guards fell asleep which was really very difficult in the big skirt that I had to wear. I really did think that I was getting away with it, until the Young Master came outside in the deep of night and spotted what I was trying to do. I could see the hesitancy on his face, and that jerk almost turned away if I hadn't almost shouted at the top of my voice.

"You goddamned brat." He couldn't help but to mumble under his breath as he managed to climb his way into my room without waking up the guards at all. "You told me. You would see me and that I wasn't allowed outside of my room until then. How much longer would I have had to play prisoner if I hadn't come out on my own?" He didn't even acknowledge me after that, he just ignored me and took a look around my room with anger and resentment in his eyes. "So you kept this room the same. You haven't changed anything at all." "Why would I? I do not have that right at all." He looked at me with a grateful smile before attempting to leave again without any answers at all. "Where are you going now?" "Back to my bedroom." "Don't you have anything to tell me at all?""What do you want from me Yeon?" "What happened to you? Why didn't you come home straight away? Did your father do anything to you?" "That is between my father and myself, it does not concern you ."

"Is that it? How long are you going to treat me as if I am some sort of ghost living in your home?" "Yeon?" "You are the only person who knows me, who saved me, and yet you keep me away from you when you are the only one I have met who has all of my memories, even the ones that you are keeping from me." "I have already told you everything..." "Do not lie to me..." "Look, you have your freedom around this home and you have your outing privileges once a month. I will be responsible for your finances from now on...." "Give me my memories back! What on earth could be worse than what you have already told me!"

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I had to turn away from her and close my eyes when I heard the pain in her voice when she started begging me. I couldn't tell her anything, especially before her brother came to pay us a visit. No-one around me was letting me breathe and I was getting sick of it. I shouldn't have done it, especially to Yeon of all people, but I couldn't help myself but to lash out at her. I quickly pulled her into me before almost pushing her up against the wall and I pinned one of my hands against both of hers above her head. I had to cover her mouth with my other hand; the Yeon I knew for so many years was so compliant and respectful. But this girl what I was dealing with was nothing like that at all now. I had witnessed the fire in her eyes when she was given orders and whenever my father insulted her, and even more so when I ignored her. I witnessed how she fought back every single time that she was bullied, and how she stood up for me more than even her own brother had in all of the years that we had known each other. I didn't fully understand who this woman was in front of me, but I was dying to find out. But my guilt had gotten the better of me since the war and I had been actively trying to ignore her. It was she who didn't want this, it was her who actively approached me and it was her who was provoking me the most in this moment.

"So you want your memories back? Well, what are you willing to do for them? Why isn't the explanation I gave you enough for you? You are better off that most people with your background...." "Money cannot buy happiness or regain my memories." She replied vehemently after she bit my hand, quite forcefully I should add. "I never asked you to help me change my class, I would have been fine in the rags that I woke up in. But there is a part of me that is missing, and I can feel that every single day. You have no idea how painful it is to miss a life that you cannot remember!"

She got me with that one statement; as I was currently lashing out at her in my old bedroom where my mother and myself were confined for years. And now my father was making me do the same thing to the most innocent person in my life, even I was getting sick of myself at this point. I was already nervous about my job in the palace that I was trying to prepare for, and I had so much pain in my heart that was almost suffocating me. I couldn't take it anymore, I really couldn't; and I needed someone to hear me, even if Yeon was all I had. But I wasn't going to talk about my mother to anyone, I wasn't going to add more to my burdens by raking up the past. In my frustration, I let Yeon go with an apology, but she wouldn't even look at me anymore. She was frustrated, but she was't the only one, and if I had to live with it then so did she, even if it did kill me to do this to her, more than I was hurting Hwi.

"Young Master?" "What is it?" "The lady is waiting for you in her quarters. She has dinner prepared for you and..." "...and what?" "She is throwing you a celebration, for your return and for passing the military exam in the first place."

The military exam. That damed military exam that was the bane of my success and personal failures. Where was Hwi now? I hadn't seen him since he took care of me after the war was over when my own father abandoned me. He looked like a shadow of himself in the war, even though I somehow knew that he had changed due to the absence of his sister. But why? Why was this sibling relationship so...intimate? I could see Yeon's face in his eyes when he spoke to me and even the way that Hwi cared for me was similar to how I had witnessed Yeon herself taking care of her brother when they thought that I wasn't watching them. But never in my entire life had I witnessed a pair of siblings that were as close as they were. Hwi simply adored her and Yeon worshipped her brother, almost like a father. And even in my own home, Yeon was beginning to confuse me. Who was she to me now? And why did I keep thinking about her, even if I did have nothing to worry about. I had her in my sight. Whenever I dressed myself, I constantly thought about the smart remarks that she would come up with in order to humour her brother about my robes, when I had my meals, I could always picture her my by side and teasing me endlessly like she used to all of the time before her memory loss...Seo Yeon, who exactly are you? And why are you so...compelling? All of the time?

"Young Master? Why do you look at me this way? Young master?" "I am tired from my long travels and I wish to rest. Yeon will make me my dinner and I will rest here until then." I knew that Yeon was confused and I was sorry for it, but all I wanted at that moment was to crawl into the bed I used to share with my mother and wait for her to join me so I could hold her to my heart's content and play with her hair again like I used to before I could sleep at all. The only other thing that I truly missed was her lullaby that she would sing to me on my birthdays in bed, as if she was giving me hope that tomorrow would be better than today.