The Simpsons: Bart

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***

Is Alison Taylor my sister's long-time friend or rival? Basically Lisa's classmate who's, like, a year younger than her. And if I'm 15, she's--?

- What are you doing with your fingers? - Alison asked with rosy cheeks while I was trying to calculate her age.

- Just practising my guitar, baby. - At the end I flipped my fringes back, God, I'm so cool!

- Wow. - even because I'm cool, Alison can't even look me in the eye, she rolled her eyes away. - I had no idea you were such a versatile person, Bart.

- Yes, I am. - although I don't even own a guitar, but she's not likely to notice.

- Where's your guitar, Bart? - Taylor leaned over with a smile.

- Ahem. So, what do you want? Since you're here to see me. - Okay, nice change of subject.

- Well, um. You know. - Allison interlocked her index fingers, lowered her gaze, and fidgeted with her foot. - I just thought you were so cool....

- Really? - like, seriously?

- Of course! - Allison looked at me sharply, holding up her fists. - So... How about, um. How about, um. Well. Start dating me?

What I didn't see coming was definitely this! On the one hand you'd think we'd never even exchanged a word, at least not that I can remember. Plus she's a pai-girl who's bound to be disgusted by guys like me.....

On the other hand, you'd think no virgin with no prospect of losing her virginity. Alison already has breasts that will get bigger in a couple of years, the same process awaits and the lower hemispheres, in addition and face it is quite nice. So why not try, for the first time in years, the sweet taste of true romance?!

- Well, you could. - I answered Allison with a shrug.

- Thanks, Bart! - Alison put her hands to her face with a big smile. - Then this is our first day, okay?

Trailing off, she held out her hand with her pinky finger outstretched. Kind of childish, though cute.

- Okay. - With a smile myself, I put my pinky around hers. I don't think anything will actually work out, but at least I'll be back to the days of innocence and cuteness, when life was much easier...

-two days later-

Take me back two days. When life was innocent and sweet and much easier!

- Bart, use fractions in this example! - pronounced Alison, who had been sitting next to me at the desk, it seems, for all of those forty-eight hours.

- Okay... - I applied fractions to this exercise from literature, or what subject are we on anyway? - Hey, don't you have to go home yet?

- I told my dad I'd be late and my boyfriend would walk me back. - Alison shot her eyes out from under her brown hair.

- But I have a rink with Milhouse. - There's a new update for mobka that just came out!

- What's more important to you: your girlfriend or video games?

- After hours of studying, are you sure you want to hear an honest answer?

- Stupid!' Alison poked me mischievously on the cheek with her pen.

- Okay... - I turned back to my lessons. - Well, we should subtract water from that to find the right....

- Bart, this is literature, not Chemistry! - shouted Alison, then glanced at the work. - 'War and Peace, though...' Maybe you're right about something.

Naturally I walked Alison home, because it was late, and it's hard not to walk the one who drags you by the ear all the way....

-Time is days away-

- Bart, tell me. - Allison said cryptically.

- Could I have more time to decide? - I replied exhausted, for I've done more studying in the five days of our relationship than I've done in all my years of school.

- I'm not talking about the area of the rhombus. - I've been looking for the area of a fucking rhombus this whole time?! I can see why the tetrahedron formula didn't work. Wait, is this even eighth grade material? Why do I feel like I'm being duped somewhere? - I was wondering, do you have nothing else besides blue jeans and red T-shirts?

- Is there something wrong with them? - I have some blue shorts, just in case.

- Oh. You know? - Oh, I don't like that tone I take when I'm asked to compliment Lisa. - I'd like it if you dressed a little differently.....

- How? - Exhaustion made my lips answer themselves, however, once I came to my senses, I immediately became indignant. - Why would I ever change my usual style, eh?

- Well, Bartik. - Alison's eyes shone, she puffed up her cheeks and pointed her index finger at my chest, moving it back and forth while talking in the sweetest voice possible. - It would be nice for me as a girl, and it would make you look even cooler than usual!

- I don't know. - her pitying eyes make me want to hide my eyes in my textbooks.

- Please, please, please, Bartholomew. - and she put her head on my shoulder.

The next day, I broke the piggy bank and went shopping with Alison. I bought myself some new clothes, which was-- Well, Alison liked them. I also bought her some kind of key chain or pendant or something.

-four days later-

- Haaah. Hoo.

I finished my run and collapsed on the front lawn. What the hell am I doing? Well, Alison said she likes guys in shape, and I've got a little tummy, so that's the answer.

- Go away, you bastard. - I picked up my hoodie and rubbed my stomach angrily.

I guess I'll have to cut back on the Krusty burgers, huh? No more milkshakes? Ice cream? Candy?

- Where's my childhood going? - I wiped away a tragic parting tear.

It's actually nice to have someone who has your best interests at heart. It's understandable that it's easy to play consensual while swallowing things that piss you off, but you probably can't build a relationship on that, can you?

- Uwaaaah! - the postman ran past me.

- Come back here, you suspicious man! - followed by Homer, who stopped on the pavement and was panting heavily with his tongue hanging out.

- Homer, how many times have I told you to leave the postman alone?! - yelled from the window.

- But Marge, they don't leave us alone, delivering bills every now and then! - In response, Homer started an argument.

Ignoring, as usual, my parents' quarrel, I came to believe that happiness lies in a relationship where people are free to say anything to each other. Accordingly, my earlier opinion that Alison and I wouldn't work out seriously is quite wrong. Is it possible that we have a future?

-two days later-

My punishment was over, and I went back to school. Thankfully, Alison had suggested that we keep our relationship a secret. Otherwise, I'd be ridiculed for dating a teenager.

- Ay caramba! - shouted Martin Prince, who was checking briefcases as duty officer.

- Solidarity... - I replied, dressed in brown trousers and a white shirt, just like my old classmate.

- Bart, when did you become so fashionable? - Martin shook his head contentedly. I wish I could pull his underwear over his head. But then I'd get suspended again.

.....

- Bye, handsome! - Having finished with the recommendation of a hairdresser and cologne, Martin waved at my back. One plus, while talking, the Prince completely forgot about checking my rucksack.

Had he known beforehand, he would have carried more firecrackers.... Although, what do I do with a dozen? Throw them down the toilets? Put them under the principal's door? Booby-trap someone's locker?

- Hey, Bart. - Alison waved at me with a smile. Lisa gave me a mean look and took her classmate back to class.

Haa... I don't think Alison would like it if I got caught doing something so reckless. So nothing else to do but throw the firecrackers in the bin in front of the boys' toilet....

.....

Apparently the universe has decided to take credit for my morning luck during the inspection as early as possible. Because on the first day back, literally every lesson started with the teacher saying:

- 'And so, today is the test! - is it against human rights to have more than one test a day?!

Surprisingly, instead of attempting modern art, I actually tried to give answers to the questions posed. Obviously, nothing other than a D awaited me either way, but at least I tried this time.

The bell for the last lesson - music - rang. I calmly lay down on the desk, anticipating a good forty-minute sleep, as....

**At about the same time. The gents.

- So, I set these guys up!

- Nelson, come on. You've been spinning this story for a fortnight. - Jimbo commented in a husky voice, scratching his bald spot under his hat.

- I still can't believe you took such a risk with a magazine from my gold collection.... - With a sincere scar on his heart, Dolph lowered his eyes behind his fringes.

- Hey, Kearney, what are you doing standing in the corner?

- I need to set an example for my son. - Sipping his beer, the big bald man waved his hand at the offer of a cigarette.

- All right, last class, we can go home. - Jimbo responded to the bell.

- Hey, why didn't we go home earlier, but sat in the loo for three lessons? - Kearney asked the obvious.

- We weren't just 'sitting around', we were strengthening our friendship by sharing our innermost secrets. - Dolph put a hand on his shoulder.

- Ha-ha! Ge-Bhkaa! - Nelson was stopped from speaking by a kick in the arse from Jimbo.

- There's nothing gay about talking about feelings between men! - Finishing his filtered cigarette, Jimbo slapped Dolph just below the back and said. - Come on guys, let's go watch porn together at Dolph's house, like real heterosexual friends should!

On their way out of the gents, the guys threw their cigarette butts into a nearby urn, which led to...

*♪ Explosion ♪

** Back to Bart **

Who would have thought that firecrackers left in a bin could cause an entire school to go up in flames? Today's Bart is somehow calm about it, while the Bart of the past regrets missed opportunities.

- Is everyone out?! - the teacher addressed us.

- Yes! - as I glanced around Lisa's classroom...

- Hey, where's Alison? - I turned to Ralph.

- Over there. - pointed in the direction of the burning Wiggum school.

I took a quick look around the classroom. I realised Alison wasn't among them. Then I realised the terrible truth. I looked in the direction of the burning building, which was not yet engulfed in flames. I realised I had to act. I ran towards the back of the school, towards the toilets. The men's window was open, as usual. And so I found myself inside the smoke-filled school, not knowing what to do, but with a clear eagerness to save my girlfriend!