All The Time Lost

June rushed through the library, eager to get to the back as soon as possible. It had only been two weeks, but she had already been recognised by a few people and though this wasn't a small town where once someone knew something, it spread like fire, a good part of the community was close enough that news of her coming back had made its way through a large enough piece of the city.

So far, she had been spat on four times and egged twice. She had been refused from one shop too.

Someone in jail had asked her why she wanted to go back so much but for her it was impossible to imagine missing anymore on the twins life than what she already had. She had lost so much time already, she couldn't bear to lose whatever she had left. They were almost seventeen and in less than two years they'd be off to whatever college was lucky enough to convince them. Then she would leave.

She had bought a flip phone and marveled at how cheap they were but Realized nowadays people used their phone for much more than they used to back in the days while June only needed it to communicate with her son. Maybe if she was really lucky and patient, her daughter may accept to give her her number too.

Thanks to second hand websites, she had almost finished furnishing the two tiny bedrooms. The trailer only had a living room with an open kitchenette, two bedroom and a bathroom. There was no way she was taking one of the rooms for herself, her kids were all grown up now. She had found a seller who even brought the sofabed over. The only thing left now was to buy mattresses and beddings for the twins. This she wouldn't buy second handed. She didn't want to make them uncomfortable and no matter how much she had turned the trailer around, it was still lightyears from what their father had used them to.

Her savings were still over two thousand but it fell four hundreds short after she ordered two mattresses online. At least, delivery was included.

She surfed through the web to find if anyone was employing around but couldn't find anything under an hour away. She immediately applied for the cleaning job at the hotel in the next bigger city and searched for a cheap bicycle online, there was no way she could afford a car and public transport weren't that cheap either.

She hadn't yet met with Julian, he was eager to meet up but she had wanted to have him over. She couldn't risk meeting up in a restaurant and having her first time seeing her son ruined bysomeone recognising her. She never wanted to embarrass him, it was already more than enough that he even wanted to meet her.

She still remember the first letter she got from him. His messy handwritings filling up the paper in a few sentences.

Julian was a kind soul, the type that didn't seem to exist anymore, he was full of light and goodness and his letters had been her only lifeline during hardships.

At first June had begged to meet them. For five years. The first letter she ever received in jail was from their grandparents. They were harsh and cruel in their words but she saw that they were right. Outside, no matter how respected their family and father were, they were called names and looked down upon because of the blood they shared with her. How could she be selfish enough to imagine bringing innocent children that already had to endure their lots of sufferings into a prison ? How would she look herself in the mirror after they had seen her in her inmates outfit, a number on her chest, wounds over her face ? Was that what she wanted for her children ?

So she had waited patiently and kissed pictures in substitution for seventeen years. She could wait another week and welcome him correctly.

June ate whatever she found in the trash behind the supermarket, she was ashamed of it but there was no way to buy food for herself and do all she had to do with her meagre savings. But she spent a hundred dollars on groceries the day before Julian came over. She cooked all his and his sister's favorite foods, she bought their favorite drinks and snacks, everything she had slowly learned through the hundreds of letters exchanged with her son. She knew Elizabeth probably wouldn't come, she had only written back once, the letter preciously kept along her brother's, it had been a hard read but it was the only time her daughter had ever sent her anything so she still treasured it. Her daughter hated her. Worse, she loathed the very mention of her name. But still, June hoped.

Julian sent a message to say he would be there around ten that sunday, his grandparents insisted he went to church with them first. June would have loved to go too, she was a firm believer, but she knew almost everyone attending the mass knew her and they all wished her dead. The priest could go on and on about forgiveness and repenting, but when the family of the murdered girl sat on the first row, nobody included June in their prayers.

June sat on the edge of the sofa, unwilling to disturb anything and desperate for everything to be perfect so hopefully her son would agree to come back.

A quarter after ten, he knocked. June rushed to the door and tried her best to smile and prayed that she didn't look as ugly as she did everyday. However the second she took in the young man standing there, she broke down. She did her best to keep the smile up but her face was spasming with the effort and she had no hold on the tears running down her face like an open faucet.

He was so handsome. He stood awkwardly in a body that was growing faster than he could get used to, but he filled the clean, nice clothes he wore perfectly and he looked so healthy. He was so handsome. They shared light hair and dark chocolate eyes but everything else he took from his father. He was so handsome.

« I'm so-sorry ! » She cried and desperately tried to dry her face with her sleeves. She chuckled awkwardly.

« Hello mom, » he greeted her with the beautiful smile he shared with his sister and that she had traced a million times on pictures. This was the first time she ever heard his voice since his first cry.

She had prayed that he would call her mom, after all he wrote it in his letters. But what had she done for him as a mother ? Apart from the eight months they spent together, they had never ever shared anything. She didn't deserve it. How beautiful it sounded. It filled something broken in her soul.

« Hello, Julian, » She managed around the tears and cursed how it made him all blurry.

She saw him hesitating while she tightly clasped her hands together to prevent herself from forcing an embrace that wouldn't have been welcomed.

« Can I hug you ? » He asked timidly.

She could only nod and open her arms. There was no words to explain the warmth flooding her at his touch. It healed something deep inside. Made everything she had to bear worth it. She would go through this whole hell again if it meant getting to hold her son in her arms. After a while, probably more than he had expected, she let him go and smiled genuinely.

« Please, come in. »

He smiled back and wiped a few tears away before stepping in. June couldn't help but look around hopefully. Thomas stood a few meters away next to his jeep. She nodded in greetings but quickly looked away. Elizabeth wasn't here.

« Mom, you shouldn't have ! » Julian playfully groaned as she took out another pie. She had filled the whole table and the counters showed all the food that didn't fit.

« Please, it makes me happy, » she couldn't stop smiling despite her aching muscles. « Do you like it ? »

« It's amazing ! » He beamed back and she was so thankful for his teenager's appetite because she couldn't get enough of watching him eat.

They talked about everything, she asked about school and his friends, she asked about Elizabeth and what they did and how they lived. She didn't touch the food but she was eating up his words like a starved woman. He asked a bit about prison and her life there, but she always kept it vague and redirected the conversation to him.

She expected him to ask the question though. She was prepared for it.

Had she really done it ?

Somehow, it hurt even more that he never asked. But she didn't allow herself to grieve on it and enjoyed the gift of his presence. He was so handsome and grown and healthy. Everytime she blinked, she feared she'd wake up in her cell and that it was all a dream. His father didn't call once and she would forever be grateful for this. He only sent a message around six to warn that he would come soon. The nine hours had flown by so quickly she hadn't felt it. Despite Julian's best effort, there was still a lot of food left and she hurried to pack it up for him to bring her sister.

« That's too much, » he joked as she handed him boxes after boxes. « Lizzy could never eat it all but she'll love the almond cookies. »

They both knew she wouldn't touch anything coming from her but it still made her happy to hear it.

« Please, come over again, » she tried her best not to sound too desperate as they heard his father's car pull up. She couldn't help but draw him into her embrace and smell him as if she'd never have the chance again. Maybe she wouldn't.

« Next sunday ? » Julian folded to hold her and she swallowed around the lump in her throat. She had already cried too much in front of him.

« Please, » she nodded eagerly.

She watched him climb into his father's car and kept her eyes on his form until the car was too far for her to make anything out anymore.

« Had a nice day ? » Old Joe called out after a while, startling her out of her thoughts.

She went back inside to grab a plate and happily trotted over.

« Damn, where did you learn to cook like that ? » He asked around a piece of apple pie. « I distinctly remember the burning smell coming out of your house every time you turned the stove on. »

June smiled but didn't answer. Where else ? She had spent half of her life here and the other in a cell.