All The Time Lost

Thomas had just come back from a small trip he took overseas to deal with some business Sawyer and him had with an italian financial magnate who tried to steal from them.

He had arrived just in time to make breakfast for the kids. They were big enough now that they could stay on their own at home while he was away, though he knew his grandparents always kept an eye on them. He heard the postman ride by and got out to pick up the newspapers to read over coffee. He didn't even look at the few letters he picked along.

It wasn't long until his cheerful, always sunny son came running downstairs, followed by a sullen, always moody daughter.

« Dad ! You've heard the news ? » He asked excitedly. His son was tall and had the built of the quater back he was. He looked almost the same as him at the same age save for his blond locks, dark eyes and the button nose he got from his mother, whereas his twin was all their mother save for her green eyes and dark hair.

« What ? » He served them breakfast as they sat across the counter.

« Mom is getting out ! » His son shouted excitedly and Thomas Oswald felt his entire world tilt on its axis.

« What ? » He frowned in confusion, willing his heart to keep calm.

« She told me in her last letter, » Julian explained between mouthful of fried eggs.

Thomas turned to his somber daughter but he knew Lizzy never read any of the letters her mother kept sending her every month. He knew because he was the one who picked them up from the trash, sometimes patched them up too, just in case she changed her mind later and wanted to read what her mother had to say.

June had been sentenced to twenty years. She could have gotten out after thirteen on good behavior but somehow stayed until now, seventeen years later.

Thomas felt his blood rush and a thousand thoughts battle in his head.

« She said she was going to send you a letter too, » Julian reached over to steal a piece of bacon from his sister's plate as it seemed she had no appetite.

Thomas turned to where he had thrown the letters and rummaged through until he found one from the penitentiary. His breath caught. She never sent him any letter. Just once, a year after her imprisonment, she had sworn to never bother him again if he would just send her pictures of the children. He had been away at the army then and his grandparents had ignored her letter. He heard about it a few years later while he was on leave and immediately sent her a double of every picture he could find. He had done it every year after.

The only other time was when the twins were ten and his son had started insisting on meeting her. A week after he sent a letter informing her of their upcoming visit and a day before they should have left, he received a letter, it was written with shaky hands and he felt his heart break at the stains he just knew were from tears. She begged him not to come, she never wanted her children to see her there. She started writing them letters instead.

He had tried to send her letters too but she wouldn't answer, he didn't know if she even read them. Once, after fighting it for too long, he even went to visit her, he'd never forget her expression… He never went again.

He tore the enveloppe open and read the formal writings in which she informed him of her early liberation and asked for permission to meet her children.

« I will accept any condition you wish to add and do everything in my power not to bother you or anyone else, so please, I beg you to allow me to meet them. »

The paper creased in his hands.

« I need to go, » he kissed his daughter on the head and ruffled his son's hair.

« Where are you going ? » Lizzy asked.

« I have some business with uncle Sawyer, » he lied. « Don't be late for school. »

He drove straight to the trailer park. He knew she would come back here because she had nowhere else to go. His heart ached at the truth. One day after leaving the army, the kids were around eight years old and he passed by this place. He had drunk a bit too much with the guys and for whatever reason, he ended up here. The park was awful and junkies ran around freely. A prostitute had established business inside her mother's trailer and he didn't know why the sight bothered him so much. From then on, he took it upon himself to empty the place and kept it a forbidden zone for outlaws for the past decade. Only his closest friends knew, but they didn't ask.

He figured he'd clean it up a bit when he'd finally hear about her coming back.

He frowned as he drove through the park and found it almost as clean as those camping site, middle class families booked on summer. He parked in front of the trailer he had so often picked her up from in the past. Old Joe stared at him from his rocking chair but didn't say anything. It took Thomas a few minutes to gather the courage to knock.

He had served in the US marine for eight years. He came back often to help raise his kids and miss the least, but he had the urge to make something of himself and the only man he looked up to, his grandfather, had been a NAVY seal so he couldn't imagine trying anything else. He was good, great even, easily flying up the ranks until he found himself at the head of a special force team no one knew about. He knew pain and death.

After retiring from duty, he had started working with his best friend Sawyer James at the head of Cerberus, a bikers club who now had more hold over the underground than most mafia groups did. He fucking danced with danger.

Yet, he had never known fear. Never except when she was involved.

His senses were as good as you would expect from someone like him. He never left any trace behind because he was that damn good and missed nothing. Of course, he heard her heavy breath through the thin door. It was almost as loud as his own beating heart.

Nothing could have prepared him to see her again.

In a second, this overwhelming feeling he always had around her crashed through him and it felt like taking a deep breath for the first time in almost two decades.

This was what he felt for her. This was the unhealthy obsession that had no ground nor reason but just existed from the moment he first laid eye on her.

His father had called it the Oswald curse, the way the men in the family only loved once and they did it hard.

This was what had led her to murder.

She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Long gone were the long blond locks, they were cut short under her ears and streaks of caramel cut through the gold, she hadn't grown an inch but her body had changed, she was still so thin, maybe even thinner he noticed with a frown, but her curves had filled and he couldn't stop his eyes from drawing the contours of full breasts and round hips. Her features had aged, losing the chubby cheeks she had hated, but she almost looked the same. Apart from the big scar running over her nose bridge and ending on her right temple. she had a few more, lighter and smaller scars he could ignore but this one… He knew it had hurt.

But what made him want to tear everything apart was the look she gave him.

He had loved her like a mad man, had smothered her in affection and attention but the reason it could grow so visceral was that she had been eager for it, had drunk up all this possessive love he poured out for her and gave back just as much. They had been so in sync with their love. He still dreamed about the way she would look up at him with a smile that reached her eyes and burned all their demons, her dark pupils always shining with love for him, always so happy and grateful to see him no matter that it was the third time that day.

How she looked at him right now was the same way she had looked at him when he came to visit her in prison. Unmeasurable fear darkening her eyes, her soft, plump mouth trembling and this feeling of self-disgust and self-hatred pouring out of her whenever she met his eyes. And regret. So much regret.

He couldn't hold her eyes anymore now than he had ten years ago.

« Hello, » he cleared his throat. He felt like someone had stabbed him in the guts when he heard the whispered, shaky greeting she offered back. « I'm sorry I didn't respond, I was away on business. » She didn't answer but held herself tighter.

« I swear I won't cause any trouble… » She promised in a broken voice. « I know… I'm not worthy of being their mother but… Please… »

He startled at the broken last word and reached out but she jumped away and despite the sharp pain it caused him, he understood and tucked his hands back inside his pockets.

« I'm not here to forbid you from meeting them, » he sighed, knowing he was already fucking it up.

« Thank you, » she choked out and put her face in her palms to hide. He couldn't bear to watch it.

« Do- » He cleared his throat. « Do you need anything ? »

« No, th-thank you, » she looked up but didn't meet his eyes again. He was thankful because he already had a hard time holding back before her red, tear stained face.

He waited for a moment but there was nothing he could offer that she would accept so with a nod, he turned to leave.

« I- Hmm- I- » She called out in a hesitant voice.

« Yes ? » He turned around and cursed the hopeful swelling in his chest. He'd give her anything. She had done something horrible and the world wouldn't forgive her, but she had paid her dues, and after two decades of waiting for it to fade, Thomas knew he would forever love her and he'd help her however he could.

« When can I meet them ? » She asked in a soft voice.

« I'll give you Julian's number, » he immediately took his phone out.

« Let- let me get a piece of paper ! » She exclaimed and ran back inside. He smiled to himself as he heard her hit something in her rush, she had always been clumsy. « How is Elizabeth ? » She asked timidly after writing down the numbers and checking them three times with him.

« Good, » he looked at her with pity. He may love this woman but he loved his kids more and though Julian needed to meet her and build something with his mother, if Lizzy didn't want anything to do with her, he'd respect that too, no matter how painful it was. « She needs space and time. »

« Of course, » she smiled down and it was something so small and pitiful, Thomas had to force himself away.