How Not to Be a Dark Lord

We're walking along the classic green plains, blue sky, yellow dirt road isekai background. The quintessential isekai experience, I know, but it's quite overrated and quite booooring in actuality.

This would be a lot more fun if I had some kind of short-form video content to watch while I walk, because walking is lame. Like, seriously! Why would anyone want to swing their legs around doing nothing for no reason?

This walk is soooooo boooooooooring. I might as well read that book.

 

...

 

The grimoire seems pretty interesting. I did say that I signed it offscreen, but I didn't really check the nitty gritty of it all.

So, here we go.

 

I flipped through the first few pages, but there wasn’t anything important. You know the deal. Pages upon pages of the terms of service, which I accepted with ease. Nobody reads those things, so screw that.

 

Huh?

 

Why is there a preface? Who on earth is Primus Draconis? I don’t care about your views on politics!

 

The first thirty pages are useless. At least I found something of note. Here's a page with the words “Magic Spells” written in bold at the top. Let’s have a read, shall we? 

 

Magic Spells (1/500)

500. Shower Spell

499. Locked

498. Locked

.

.

.

 

Shower? That’s the only thing I have? 

 

Every other spell is locked. My magic is level 1, though, so I shouldn’t have been surprised.

 

Scarlet took a peek at my grimoire, giggling slightly.

 

"What's so funny, brat?"

I said, imitating the tone of my favorite anime character who is cool and mysterious and loved by all women.

 

She underestimates my power. Although the name doesn't sound so threatening, it's reasonable to assume that I can force anyone to be subjugated to the rules of showering. Indeed, this is the spell that all gamers fear, and I will use it to reign supreme over this world. 

 

Sploosh.

 

I was drenched with a gallon of lukewarm water the moment I visualized the spell taking effect.

Well, drats. It appears as though I forgot to modify the conditions of the spell to target her and not me.

 

"Wow, you really thought you did something there, did you?"

Scarlet patted my back a few times, though she recoiled after realizing her hand was getting wet as well.

 

"That was just a test. If I want to use this spell effectively, I must understand how it works down from the taste of the water to the very way I swish my fingers around when trying to strike a cool casting pose."

 

"Excuse, excuses. Listen, it's pretty clear that you don't have any aptitude for magic, though you have potential for a more physical build. How about you give up the whole 'Dark Lord' thingy and take up swordsmanship, instead? Isn't that-"

 

"No. No way. Never. Swordsmen are cool, sure, but they're mysterious and anti-social. I, on the other hand, am charismatic and beloved by all, especially of the female variety. And possibly the male variety as well, but you're talking about two very different styles. I will never let go of magic. In fact, I already have one magic ability right now, which is the ability to never give up!"

 

The micro-twitching of Scarlet's right shoulder suggested that she was either extremely infatuated or disgusted with me, and nothing in between. I see now that lines and phrases like those are her weak points. This will come in handy for my future plans.

 

There was a single tree beside the road in the distance. It was the only shade from the sun (you have to remember that sunscreen doesn't exist and the only way I've been getting through it all was through the instant shower spell), so it seemed like a good place to take a rest.

I jogged over slightly, sitting down and resting my back against the tree. Such a nice feeling.

 

"Is the Dark Lord tired already from a little walk?"

 

...

 

So we decided to continue onward, but even faster this time. I'm feeling quite empowered and energized, so I'm speedwalking. Meanwhile, Scarlet's still walking at a normal pace.

"What's the matter? All that talk and you can't keep up with me? By any rate, I'll have reached the- the, um... uh."

 

I actually never thought about that until now. Where am I being exiled to, exactly? Perhaps the location was important to consider earlier.

 

"If you're thinking about how the location was important to consider earlier, then you're sorely mistaken. We're going somewhere else, now."

Yup, the usual mindreading. But what's this? Is she defying the king's orders? Something happened within the last few hours that changed everything. Think. Could it be the fact that I revealed myself as the new Dark Lord? Or, perhaps, it was the fact that my charm has finally taken effect on her?

"You're clearly not thinking anything good, but the situation has changed. If they find out about the grimoire, then you're going to be executed."

 

"Well, seeing as I've died once already, I have to say that it wasn't too bad."

Oops. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

 

"Whu- huh? You say the most nonsensical stuff ever. Anyway, since you told me about it, I'm an accomplice as well, though I have my own reasons for betraying the king. There's only one way to stop your execution, and the first step comes from sending you to magic school undercover."

 

I raised my hand.

"How is going to school going to stop me from getting killed?"

 

"Well, there's probably a way to reverse the contract so that your soul is separated from the grimoire. I'm not good with magic, so I'll try searching for allies and information. You'll stay in school and get a grasp on magic so that it becomes easier for you to control your soul."

 

I raised my hand again.

"How certain are you that you can reverse this process, since you seem a bit too confident?"

 

"Oh, trust me. I know some people, and if they can't figure something out, then I don't think anyone can."

 

I crossed my arms and nodded my head.

"Fu fu. I see. Then as for that plan of yours..."

 

With my fingers, I instinctively tried to push up the non-existent glasses on my face.

 

"HELL NO!!"

 

"WHADDYA MEAN BY 'HELL NO?' YOU UNGRATEFUL RAT?!"

 

She grabbed my collar and shook me a bit. If I have to be honest, she is a bit scary...

"W-well, think about it like this! You're at a bar, lonely and in desperate need of a lover. Then, BAM! All of a sudden, this super charismatic guy comes in, and he tells you that he's the Dark Lord as well? You know how nice guys finish last and girl love bad boys, so- hey, why're you bringing your hands u-"

 

SMACK.