How Not to Be a Dark Lord

We arrived at the magic school that was rested between two hills. There was iron fencing too narrow to squeeze through all around the campus. It was hard to see further in because of the greenery inside blocking most of my view.

We came to a stop when we realized that the dirt path we traveled had ended, leaving us standing face to face with an abnormally large front gate. 

"You can walk through these. Done it all the time before."

Scarlet said, walking straight through the abnormally large gaps between the gate. Elliot and Elise were duct-taped and tied with rope and had to follow.

 

"Why is the main entrance less secure than literally everything around the school?"

I grumbled and hurried over, completely dubious of Scarlet's plan. How am I supposed to trust this shady place?

There was a lonely wooden bench under the cherry blossoms across from a fountain. So many trees and bushes that weren't native here. A larger building was starting to come to view as we stepped past a drunkard lying on the floor. The red brick pavement and oil lamps stationed about were nice, too, I guess.

 

"Well, well, well. Look who decided to return."

An old, scraggly voice called from the bushes. Out came an old man in a long gray gown, stroking his long gray beard that had crumbs of wisdom and bread stuck between. Of course, this was a magic school, so he had one of those pointy wizard hats, though his sunglasses were a bit unexpected.

 

"Oh, please. I'd much rather go to the ends of earth and back than have to stay another hour in this hell."

Scarlet was clearly annoyed, but her comment seemed a bit exaggerated.

"You three. This is headmaster Quills of the Aris School of Magic. I have a whole lot to say about this old man, but I want to wrap this up quick."

 

"Why, thank you. And I take it that these guests you have brought today are here to enroll at our fine institution?"

He was quicker than he looked, for his age, that is. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a scroll and started talking right in our faces.

"Our normal plan is 20 gold ingots! But since you're all special guests, how about I offer the premium plan for the same price? You'll get unlimited access to-"

 

Scarlet grabbed his shoulder and started bickering.

"They're literally the same thing!"

"Shhh! You're not supposed to tell th-"

"I don't care, you stupid scam artist!"

"You're stupid! Someone needs a yacht for his private island!"

 

...

 

I twiddled my thumbs in the headmaster's office. It was a circular room with an enormous bookshelf and almost endless ceiling. Scarlet crossed her arms, head turned to the side, exhaling loudly.

Headmaster Quills cleared his throat.

"Well, then. Boles, was it? Tell me the situation."

"Oh, right! Um, basically, me and Elise are going to be students here. According to Scarlet's plan, of course."

I nudged Elise who could only nod in response.

 

"Hm. Well, I do owe the brat big time, so something like this isn't that bad of a deal. However, I need to make a judge of character, first."

He got up from his desk and walked around, inspecting our hair and skin. Scarlet realized what was happening and immediately jumped into action.

 

"Oh, no you're not! You seriously can't! Do you know the trouble I went through just to get you out of that?!"

"In court, my lips are sealed. But this is my domain, and I'll be damned if I catch another one of those filthy animals walking among us!"

"They're people too, y'know!"

"Dress a monkey in a suit and it's still a-"

They started swinging at each other, tossing around books and papers. 

 

Okay, time out. I know I'm the crazy and nonsensical one, but how am I the most normal here?

I... I'm at a loss for words. I'll just continue.

 

Um. So, I threw myself between the two put my hands on their faces so that they couldn't try and rush at each other. 

"Boles, don't get in my way! I'll pummel you!"

"You whippersnapper! Let this old man teach you some manners!"

 

"O000kay! Let's take it down a notch! Everything's been decided already, right? C'mon! Please?"

My words were good enough. They both crossed their arms and turned their heads away from each other, pouting. 

 

"Took you long enough."

Elliot said, cutting the ropes off of his sister. During the chaos, he freed himself. Good for him since he finally gets some dialogue here.

"Now, if we don't hurry back soon, the boss might send someone to check up."

 

"G-gulp! Now that'sa scary thought!"

Elise cried.