Kūkyonai

The night after Takada met Ryuen, the first person to truly understand him, Takada's heart seemed illuminated by a new light. He felt as if he had found hope amidst the darkness. The loneliness that had been gnawing at the soul now seemed not worth living for too long. In that moment, Takada realized that he needed at least one or two people with a sincere soul who were ready to accept all his strengths and weaknesses. This sense of connection makes him feel alive again, giving new meaning to every second that passes. beautiful togetherness, which he once thought were just dreams, now it feel real and close, waiting to be explored.

However, will it be that easy for Takada to forget his dark past just by finding someone he can't really trust, even if that person he considers a friend? Like a thousand darknesses that cannot be erased with just one light, he has been contaminated by a gnawing sense of guilt, a weakness that hinders his steps, and a sense of hopelessness that makes him feel that his existence is nothing more than a burden. In his heart, he struggled between the hope of achieving happiness and the fear that all this was just an illusion, a dream that might never come true.

Every step towards trust felt heavy, as if he was fighting his own shadow. When hope arises, fear haunts, reminding Takada that the journey to the light may be more complicated than he imagined.

-After Takada meets Ryuen last Friday night, time shifted to Saturday-

This Saturday happened to be a holiday for some students, including schools, which Takada on it to. He was immediately relieved when he woke up and looked at the calendar, he felt relieved because he could isolate himself from the cruel social world out there with two days off, namely Saturday and Sunday, Takada leaned on his bed doing his usual activities, staring at the light of his cellphone non-stop, eating and sleeping.

until his mother came with an oily face and her gloves looked dirty with a broom and feather duster in both hands while looking at Takada who was lying on the bed, she immediately took Takada's cell phone, in an angry and firm tone, her mother shouted. 

"You don't get this thing anymore if you don't do anything other than lie down like a loser!" 

Takada was silent and seemed to be used to his mother always taking his cell phone on holidays right in the morning, he ignored his mother's orders and went back to sleep while talking in a small tone. 

"Just take it mom, I also didn't plan to use that cellphone today..."

With an annoyed expression on her face, her mother opened the window curtains in Takada's room and the sunlight shone in on Takada. Takada, who didn't think that her mother would do this, turned around and asked.

"What's wrong mom... I don't need sunshine on this holiday..."

His mother was silent and her expression looked even more annoyed 

"Oh yeah...? But I don't plan to let sunlight shine on your gloomy face, but i am trying to remind you of this window."

Suddenly, Takada felt a wave of confusion wash over him as he muttered, "Huh...? Remember what? she just showed me the window... Or is she trying to remind me of that embarrassing bathroom incident...?"

For a long moment, nobody spoke. until his mother, fed up with her forgetful child, swiftly tapped his head. He barely registered the sting as he instinctively cradled it.

"Ouch! What was that for, Mom?! Did I do something wrong?"

She pinched his ear, leaning in so close that he could feel her breath, her voice a mixture of frustration and concern. "Yesterday, your neighbor mentioned seeing someone sneaking in and out of your window, right?"

Takada fell silent, panic rising within him. Suddenly, memories flooded back—the previous night, when he had sneaked out, defying his mother's no sneaking out until 7 pm rules, sweat pouring down his back. He stammered, "Uh, but mom! ... I... I have a... i visited a friends..!"

His mother's eyes widened, and she pinch his ear tighter. The thought that he might be hiding something darker behind that innocent word sent her into a frenzy. "What?! A friend?! In the middle of the night?! Do you think I'm stupid?!"

Takada was freaked out , his voice trembled with fear , the way it always did when he sensed trouble. "R-really mom! I was just visiting a friend!" he blurted, desperate to clarify.

His mother, not convinced, lifted him and plopped him down on the floor with a thud. In one swift motion, she tugged at his trousers while he lay face down, preparing to deliver the age-old motherly punishment.

"You foolish child! Do you even think before you act?" she scolded, her hand coming down sharply on his backside, the sound echoing through the room.

Takada yelped, wincing as the sting radiated on his buttocks. "Ouch ouch..! mom stop it!"

A moment after that, Takada was in front of his yard. He never leaves his room even once, and when he comes out, it's only when he wants to pee or eat. Why is he outside the room? Of course, because who else is his mother? 

Before that, his cellphone had been taken and he had been given the appropriate punishment after breaking his mother's rules. Of course, Takada, who was not used to being outside, felt anxious about the social world. 

Takada feels anxious about the social world which now feels strange. Every sound from outside reminded him how long he had been isolated. He saw children playing across the street, laughing and joking, while he could only observe from afar. Anxiety clouded his mind, what would they say if they found out he never came out?

Every second felt like a burden. He wanted to go back into his room, but fear of judgment and embarrassment kept him silent. In his mind, he imagined various possibilities—what if they laughed at him? What if they asked why he never showed up?

At that moment, he felt the urge to step out of his comfort zone, but the voice inside kept reminding him of the punishment he had received. The struggle between the desire to interact and the fear that inhibits it makes him even more depressed. Maybe, just maybe, today is the start of something new.

However, he was not used to the crowds surrounding him. The sound of noisy conversations, laughter, and the sound of footsteps of people around him made his heart beat fast. Every unfamiliar face that passed by felt like a spotlight that made him even more isolated.

He stood there, as if surrounded by an invisible wall that prevented him from moving forward. Anxiety welled up as he imagined people looking at him, questioning his whereabouts outside the room. What should he say? How was his way of talking to them after so long estranged so different when he had gone out in silence and serenity last night.

When a group of teenagers walked close, their laughter echoed in his ears. He felt a wave of shame and the desire to disappear. The desire to interact is at war with the fear that binds it. In his heart, he wondered: would he always be caught between the two worlds he dreamed of and the one he feared?

Takada couldn't stand it, feeling as if everyone was laughing at him. He could feel the strange gazes, as if someone knew every discomfort he felt. Embarrassment enveloped him, making him want to immediately return to the comfort of his room, a place where he felt safe from judgment.

Takada's head was bowed, trying to hide his face behind his loose hair. He imagined the whispers behind him, which seemed to accuse him of being a strange figure who had no place in this world. Little moments like this, which should be full of happiness, instead feel scary.

He stepped back, he felt as if there was something blocking him, an invisible boundary in front of him

"Is there something wrong with me..? " he thought. The desire to escape grew stronger, but on the one hand, there was a longing to connect with the outside world. In his heart, he hoped he could find the courage to face his fear, even though it all felt too heavy at the moment.

He turned around and gave up on the option of running away, he entered his house again, and closed the door quietly, Takada thought that if he did it loudly, it would only attract more suspicion and attention from the people outside. With every second that passed, he felt the weight on his chest getting heavier. The sound of the door gently shaking seemed to convey both relief and sadness.

Beyond the door, the outside world seemed distant and foreign. He let the silence surround him, hoping to find peace in solitude. However, deep inside, the longing to interact and connect with other people continues to bother him. He wanted to forget all his worries and feel free, but his fear was holding him back.

He sat on his sofa with the new burden he was living under, limply and he looked at his cellphone which had been taken by his mother earlier, it seemed his mother had realized Takada had experienced a change in courage towards the social world, that's why his mother gave him his cellphone back by placing it carelessly on the living room table.

then he glanced at his cellphone lying on the table near the sofa, but feeling overwhelmed by the chaos of social media, he turned away and chose instead to gaze out at the rooftops beyond. As the minutes ticked by, the weight of loneliness pressed down on him more heavily. Confusion swirled within him, leaving him unsure of what to do next—other than staring at the bright screen of his phone like he usually does but he decide to not this time.

In the stillness, he began to reflect on everything that had transpired in his life. Suddenly, an idea sparked to life in his mind. Takada had once found joy in writing stories and poetry, a passion that had faded over time. Why not reclaim that part of himself? He could channel his feelings into words, expressing his loneliness, confusion, and glimmers of hope.

With a newfound sense of purpose, he rose from the sofa and retrieved a dusty notebook that had long lain neglected. He opened it to a blank page and began to write. He poured out his heart, capturing the sadness and yearning he felt for genuine connection, weaving his thoughts into a tapestry of emotions.

As he wrote, he felt the weight on his heart gradually lift. It was as if, through his words, he could reach out to the world and share his innermost thoughts. An idea crossed his mind—perhaps he could write a letter to his new friend Ryuen, sharing not only his struggles but also his hopes for a deeper friendship.

After a while, a sense of calm washed over him. He realized that while the outside world felt intimidating, there were ways to forge connections that didn't require immediate face-to-face interaction—writing could serve as a bridge. This realization filled him with courage as he contemplated the days ahead.

Once he finished expressing his feelings, he stood up from his chair, determined to send his carefully crafted words to Ryuen. But how? The thought of seeking out Ryuen's house for a personal delivery felt daunting.

Suddenly an idea crossed his mind and he grabbed his jacket and planning to rush to the library, when he wanted to open the door he just remembered the cruel social world he stopped and froze there, his hand which was almost holding the doorknob froze too but with time at the same time his mother was standing behind him

"Takada..? What's going on this afternoon? Where are you going? Isn't it unusual for you to go out?"

Takada, who didn't expect his mother's presence, immediately answered 

"Ah, mom... I want to go to the library..."

Takada was silent for a moment, feeling a mixture of fear and hope. His mother looked at him with an expression that was hard to read.

"Library? Why do you suddenly want to go there?" she asked, her voice full of curiosity.

"I... I want to look for a book about... about writing," Takada lied a little, trying to convince his mother even though his real purpose was to put the paper he wrote for Ryuen on a bookshelf there and hoping that Ryuen would find the paper when he did. visit the same library

Takada's mother frowned, looking not completely convinced. "Writing? Don't you usually prefer to hide in your room? Why are you going out now?"

Takada felt his heart beat fast. He knew that his mother was worried, but he also felt the need to take this step. "I just want to try something new, Mom. I've been cooped up in my room for too long," he said, trying to sound convincing.

Finally, after a few seconds that seemed long, his mother sighed. "Okay, Takada. But remember, go home before dark. And don't stay out too long because mom also wants to go shopping," she said, her tone softer, reflecting deep concern.

But Takada, who didn't want to go to the library alone, immediately raised his voice, "Just a moment, Mom...! I want... Mom to accompany me to the library for a while..."

Takada's mother was surprised, but her face immediately softened. "You want me to come? Why suddenly you want me to go together with you?"

Anxiety mixed with hope enveloped Takada. He knew this was a rare opportunity. "I feel more comfortable if Mom is there. Besides, it's been a long time since we went anywhere together, r-right..?" He lied a second time because he was afraid of people out there and covered it up with the excuse of wanting to build up a time that hadn't happened in a long time.

After a few seconds, his mother nodded slowly. "Okay, if that's what you want. Come on, let's go," she said with a smile.

With more steady steps, they both left the house. Takada felt the weight in his heart disappears slightly, lifted by the presence of his mother beside him. They walked side by side, along Takada's familiar paths, although he felt his heartbeat quicken in the crowd that was starting to pick up.

but the further they walked, Takada walked behind his mother, sweating and shaking because of the many strange faces and laughter, and how they talked. Here Takada looks like he is hiding behind his mother like a turtle shell

His mother, who realized this, looked back and saw how scared he was, that Takada was sweating and how his jaw was shaking while covering his face with his hat, making his mother annoyed and surprised.

"Takada? Come on, they're not as fierce as Mom."

Takada who heard that covered his face further with his hat and said in a small tone

"I'm sorry mom.., I can't look at them... I can't even look at one of them... the sound of their joking laughter makes me nauseous..."

His mother turned her face back towards the street, her expression showing dissatisfaction and a little frustration, but beneath that, there was an aura of courage burning. she stared at the crowd with firmness, as if ready to face whatever came their way. Her disgusted face reflected her impatience with the discomfort they were experiencing, but she didn't let it overcome her. Instead, she takes a deep breath, determined to keep moving forward and show Takada that the world out there, although scary, also has beauty and possibilities worth exploring. With every step, she tried to pass on her courage to her son, hoping that Takada could feel a little of the passion that burned within her.

she gave him slight sigh "Fine , just walk behind Mom okay..?."

When they arrived at the library, Takada ran inside ahead of his mother.

When he was in one of the rooms in the library, he felt a calm atmosphere enveloping him. He stepped inside and was greeted by the familiar smell of books. As he began to browse the shelves, he felt as if he had found a refuge from the fears that had been plaguing him.

In the corner of the library, Takada ran like a child with a spirit and enthusiasm as if his introvert side had disappeared. He browsed through books that he found interesting and looked at every corner of the bookshelf.

His mother, who saw Takada for the first time, felt happy and excited when he was outside and felt a little relieved, but that didn't last long because she remembered having to go to the supermarket to buy daily necessities at the supermarket. 

She approached Takada and touched the back of his shoulder to announce her presence. Takada, still with a cheerful face, responded and turned to his mother, answering in an enthusiastic tone, "What's is it Mom!"

"Mom wants to go to the supermarket. You go home by your self. " his mother answered firmly

Hearing that, Takada immediately felt panic welling up inside him. His heart was beating fast, and fear clouded his mind. "But, Mom... alone?" his voice trembled, and he looked at his mother worriedly.

"Yes, you can definitely go home alone, right?" his mother answered, trying to be reassuring.

"Mom, I... I can't! I don't want to be alone!" Takada felt trapped in his fear, images of crowds and frightening laughter came back to haunt him. Every second felt heavy, and he found the world outside the library intimidating.

"Mom can't stay with you forever, Takada!" his mother answered firmly, slightly losing her temper. "You have to learn to face this world on your own. Mom believes in you."

But Takada's anxiety increased. He didn't want to face the outside world alone. "Mom, please don't leave me!" His voice almost trembled as he tried to hold back the tears that were starting to well up in her eyes.

With an annoyed expression on her face, Takada's mother turned around and started walking towards the exit of the library and his mother said on her way out. "Be back before 7pm remember that."

Takada felt as if the whole world was collapsing around him. He was silent, couldn't believe his mother had just left him. "Mom, wait!" he shouted, but his mother didn't look back, continuing to walk away. Panic and loneliness overwhelmed Takada, and he felt increasingly isolated in the quiet library. His mother opened the exit door and just left.

Takada felt very annoyed with himself and muttered in his mind "Ah..! Why didn't I hold back mother..? if it was like this I could die.."

He stood still for a moment, watching his mother walk away from the library through the large glass windows. He could see her getting farther and farther away, and Takada quickly glanced to the right and left in panic, realizing that she was completely gone.

Confusion and panic enveloped him he didn't know what to do in such a tense situation.

Just as Takada was caught in his turmoil, he suddenly remembered why he had come here. He pulled out the note he had written for Ryuen and rushed to the bookshelf labeled "Action," hoping that Ryuen would find it there.

He slipped the note between the neatly arranged books. But unfortunately, one of the library staff noticed him and immediately shouted, "Hey! You over there, what are you doing?"

Startled by the unexpected shout, Takada turned to see who it was. He realized it was a library staff member. He muttered to himself, "A library staff member?! This is bad... what should I do?"

The staff member walked closer, and of course, Takada, who had never been in this situation, was panicking.

Despite his heart racing faster, he didn't want to let the situation escalate. Quickly, he took the note he had just slipped and put it back into his pocket.

"Uh, sorry! I'm just looking for a book!" he exclaimed, trying to appear inconspicuous. However, his voice was too high, making him seem even more suspicious to the staff member.

The staff member approached him, eyes narrowed. "Looking for a book? Which shelf? And why do you look so nervous?"

Takada felt cold sweat trickling down his temples. He needed to think fast. "I... I'm here for the first time, so I'm a little confused about where to find the book I need," he replied, trying to smile, even though it felt stiff.

The staff member continued to scrutinize him skeptically. "If that's the case, can I help you? What book are you looking for?"

Feeling cornered, Takada realized he couldn't reveal that he was actually leaving a message for Ryuen. "Uh... I'm... looking for a book about action, like popular movies or novels," he said, trying to appear more relaxed.

The staff's suspicion faded and his trust grew within him, with an expression of indifference the staff turned around while saying "Okay, search as deep as you want, I'm sure you don't need my help." He said as he walked away.

A feeling of relief washed over him, he didn't expect to be approached by the staff. After that he continued his action with his trembling hands he slowly shifted the books on the shelf and slipped the paper behind one of the books there. After succeeding he tidied up his books as before

"Finaly..! I didn't think I would succeed..!" He said enthusiastically.

He turned around and walked quickly towards the exit "Hurry - hurry! I have to get out quickly..!"

he opened the door, But.. he saw a group of familiar faces when he looked up it turned out they were a group of bullies who had bullied him a year ago before he transferred schools

How shocked he was and the feeling of fear stabbed him from various directions their gazes seemed to want to laugh at and kill Takada. Until one time one of their leaders spoke

"Utsu Takada? Long time no see." He said in a mocking and heavy tone

"I..I.." Takada said shakily. With a trembling feeling running through him he tried to run past them but one of them held him back by pulling the collar of his back shirt

"Where are you going damn shrimp." Said one of them evilly. Takada looked back at their faces with trembling and tears slowly forming in his eyes... he don't know what he should do..

-To be Continued..