Only Realized After Losing You

43. Someone’s Hand Stretching Out Like A Ray of Warm Light

The room was quiet.

It was natural that there was no conversation.

I sat on the sofa and looked at ‘that maid’ moving quietly.

She switched the old tea pot with a different one, replaced tea cups that were perfectly fine, and tidied up the bedding.

Then she tried to quietly leave the room like any other day.

“… Thank you.”

At my words, she stopped dead in her tracks.

She lifted her gaze from the floor and made eye contact with me.

“Madeleine. Thank you as always.”

Madeleine. That was the name of the maid in front of me right now.

The maid who blushed at Lennon.

Hardwin had given me her name.

Madeleine seemed taken aback by my first greeting.

I smiled softly.

“Make yourself comfortable… with me”

After a moment of silence, she answered.

“Yes, thank you for your consideration.”

With that, she left the room.

I looked into the door she left out of and thought.

‘Hardwin. I’ll fix it.’

‘How?’

‘The way Hannah would have done it.’

This was what Hannah would have done.

There were two solutions I came up with.

The first was to build a bond with the maid, Madeleine.

I did not think that Madeleine would readily confide in Lennon so easily.

Even if she did fall for his charms, there was a possibility that she might not tell him the truth.

Because she was the maid that Hannah and Hardwin trusted.

However, that didn’t mean there was a 100% chance that she wouldn’t tell my secret.

There were always variables.

So I wanted to get her on my side.

If my bond with Madeleine grew, wouldn’t she be more likely to keep my secret?

I wasn’t hoping for a long time.

Just one year. Until I handed the title over to Hardwin.

It would be enough if Madeline kept the secret until then.

The second was…

I paused my thoughts and sat up for the first time in a long time.

I had been on edge all day today because of Lennon, and it felt like the fatigue washed over me in waves.

I climbed onto the bed that Madeleine had made and laid down in an upright position.

Then I resumed my thoughts.

The second way was to confront Lennon head-on.

Not avoiding Lennon, but confronting him.

I would keep meeting with him until I convinced him that I wasn’t Ellie.

Of course, the stakes were very high for this method, and I had to be the perfect Hannah.

I couldn’t get Lennon’s red eyes out of my head.

They lingered in every corner of my head, like they were watching me.

Why on earth was Lennon looking for me?

That was a question I had the previous day as well.

I still thought that he wasn’t looking for me because I knew his secret.

What was his real intention?

If I revealed my identity to Lennon, would he confess his true intentions?

Just as Lennon had done with mute Ellie in the past.

I even wondered if it would be okay to tell him who I was.

That was when I heard a knock at the door.

Knock.

“Who is it?”

Was it Madeleine, who left earlier?

But my late-night visitor was an unexpected one.

“… It’s me, Hardwin.”

“Come in.”

I allowed him in, and then lifted myself off the bed.

Hardwin opened the door a little and slipped inside.

“Is something… wrong?”

“No.”

Hardwin shook his head and approached the bed.

“Can I sit down?”

I nodded.

Hardwin sat down on the corner of the bed and said.

“I… Well, I’m worried.”

“Worried?”

“Uh. It’s not that I don’t believe you said you would take care of it but… that Lennon looks formidable.”

Hardwin seemed to be concerned that I’d said I’d handle it alone.

I began to belatedly fill him in on the details of what I had planned.

Hardwin listened to me without interruption.

Finally, when I stopped talking, he spoke up.

“Then shall I tell you about Madeleine?”

I nodded again.

Knowing Madeleine would help me build a bond with her.

“Madeleine was a child who was almost sold to a brothel.”

She was treated like an object due to someone’s greed.

She had a similar background to me.

“But Hannah saved her. Hannah, despite her tough appearance, was soft at heart.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Hannah brought Madeleine to the Count’s residence and looked after her like a sister and sometimes a friend. Soon Madeleine, who used to be scrawny and sulky, soon gained weight, and eventually started to smile brightly.”

“Oh.”

“So Madeleine swore loyalty to Hannah, even to the point of giving her life.”

“I see.”

So Hardwin said he trusted her.

I thought it was not a vain belief.

When I thought there was no one to help me.

When I felt so helpless in my situation.

When I felt like I was in a dark place with no light in sight.

Someone’s hand stretching out like a ray of warm light would have been considered a blessing.

Just like Hannah’s hand that miraculously reached out to me in the past, when I, being chased by my father, reached a dead end and thought everything was over.

“I want to believe Madeleine… but I do not know. But if you become friendly with Madeleine, I think it will keep her from changing her mind.”

Having said that, Hardwin let out a long yawn.

“Are you sleepy?”

“Uh, a little.”

“Do you want to lie down?”

At my words, Hardwin raised his voice.

“You’re not…! What the hell…! Ha.”

He rubbed his face with his hands with a slight frown.

I couldn’t quite understand what was wrong.

My words had no sexual connotation whatsoever.

I thought Hardwin would be well aware of that.

“Last time… we were lying together.”

I repeat once again, Hannah’s bed was as wide as the ocean.

Unless we decided to, our bodies would never touch.

The day Hannah died, I didn’t hate it when we laid down together and fell asleep.

There was a certain comfort in knowing that I had someone beside me.

How did Hardwin remember that day?

Did he think it was strange that we sleep together?

But I needed it.

I had been tense and anxious all day, and I needed someone to soothe my exhausted mind and body.

And I thought it would be nice if it was Hardwin.

I wasn’t hoping for any great comfort.

I just wish he would stay by my side a little longer.

“Hardwin. I just liked being together.”

If you don’t like it, you can go back.

I blurted out as an afterthought.

“… It’s okay. Don’t take back the words that you suggested first.”

Hardwin jerked his head as if to say ‘lie down first’.

I blinked lazily through eyelids that had grown impossibly heavy and laid down once more.

Hardwin lay down far away from me and looked at the ceiling.

I spoke to him.

“Hardwin. There’s one favor I’d like to ask of you. It’s shameless, but… can I ask you?”

When I heard Madeleine’s story, one person suddenly came to mind.

During a day that rained endlessly, she knelt on her knees on my small flower bed.

Her knees were stained with dirt.

A stream of water, perhaps tears or rain, ran down her face.

My memories of the past that had been buried deep in my heart rose to the surface.

Hardwin didn’t think long before answering.

“Tell me.”

My sister’s voice crying out my name resonated in my ears.

“Can you find my sister, the one my father sold off somewhere…?”

Hardwin’s body twisted as he shifted his gaze from the ceiling to look at me.

We ended up facing each other.

“Your sister? Did your damn father sell your sister too?”

“Yes. I think he sold my sister somewhere in the name of marriage.”

I answered calmly.

I didn’t answer calmly because I wasn’t sad or worried.

Since coming to Hannah’s mansion, the days I lived as mute Ellie felt like a blur.

The events of the past had become crumbled memories, vaguely remaining in my mind.

As if I had a long midsummer night’s dream.

I closed my eyes.

Then the scenes of the past flashed as blurry afterimages.

A spacious but shabby two-story house.

A flower garden that I carefully tended.

My father’s confession followed.

The nameless man who tried to steal my eyes and voice.

It’s time to wake up.

I opened my closed eyes and stared into Hardwin’s emerald eyes.

This was the reality I faced now.

Hardwin had a grim expression that did not match his beautiful face.

“Hardwin. There are ugly wrinkles on your face.”

Hardwin.

I am so happy that this moment, as I’m looking at you, is real.

“Okay, I won’t say anything else.”

“Okay.”

He continued, his voice thick with anticipation.

“I’m glad you came here before it’s too late. I just want to say this.”

“Yeah.”

Dear Hardwin.

I’m glad I came here, too, and I’m so glad I met you and Hannah.

“So… please tell me things that might help me find your sister.”

I told him my sister’s name, age, and appearance.

Then, I suddenly remembered my sister’s companion whom my mother had seen.

My older sister was with a noble man with golden hair.

Should I tell Hardwin about that fact?