Only Realized After Losing You

44. Because You Said So

When I paused, Hardwin repeated my words several times, as if trying to remember exactly what I said.

Then he said, in a low voice.

“I will find her.”

He spoke as if he could accomplish the impossible.

I felt his confidence.

And I had a vague feeling that he would really make it all work.

“Thank you.”

“And I’ll let your sister live here too.”

“Hardwin. How can I… repay you?”

“That’s not necessary.”

“… … .”

“But if you still want to give something in return… tell me what your story is with Lennon.”

It was a cautious question.

Hardwin seemed conflicted about whether or not he could ask about it.

“Of course, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I also noticed that Lennon was looking for you, and if there’s anything I can do to help, I’d like to.”

“Oh.”

I was hesitant to tell him my situation before.

But now I thought it would be okay to tell Hardwin everything.

I didn’t know exactly why.

Perhaps the bond between Hardwin and I had grown without me even realizing it.

Maybe my heart had opened to Hardwin.

I told him that, as mute Ellie, I listened to Lennon’s story.

Of course, I didn’t say anything about Lennon’s personal affairs.

“… That’s it. Is Lennon looking for me because he’s afraid my secret will get out?”

Hardwin, who was still facing me while listening to my story, declared:

“No.”

“Then?”

“I think he likes you… no.”

“Hardwin, what did you say?”

“Nothing.”

Hardwin made a face that said ‘don’t ask any more questions’.

But this time I was insistent.

“Lennon doesn’t like me.”

“… Okay, I heard you.”

I giggled softly.

I wondered why Hardwin looked so cute when he was embarrassed.

“It’s not love, it’s more like sympathy, curiosity… Isn’t that what it is?”

Maybe he was just curious and had questions about my identity.

I somehow felt that Lennon would be like that.

I remembered the day I went to the banquet hall with Lennon.

I remember looking at him and thinking:

‘You’re already a good person.’

Lennon never treated me harshly, even though I was a commoner. He was always considerate and wanted me to talk.

What he wanted me to say had nothing to do with the life I had lived.

He even worried about the feelings I didn’t express that would be lost.

I think I might have fallen in love with Lennon if I had met him under different circumstances and social status.

I even thought about that.

Lennon was handsome, kind, and well-off.

He didn’t cut corners.

With his expert insight, he immediately recognized what I was lacking and gave me advice on those areas.

Lennon, Hayden, Lebrado. I listened to all three men, but Lennon was the only one I wanted to talk to again.

Because he was a good person.

If Lennon realized who I was, I wondered if he’d help me as an ally.

Maybe I was overly wary of him.

‘So I have a lot of questions for you: what you like, what you don’t like, what you do when you’re alone, what your first impressions of me are.’

Lennon was curious about me when I wasn’t able to speak.

I was now able to answer the questions he was curious about.

Because I regained my ability to speak.

But there was no Ellie who could answer him.

Because I had to live as Hannah Phever for about a year.

It was a pity.

“Hardwin, why don’t we tell Lennon who I am?”

I openly expressed my thoughts. There was no reason to hide it.

But Hardwin expressed his disapproval.

“No.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know if Lennon is a bad person or a good person. But when it comes to secrets, I think the more people know about them, the worse it is.”

“Oh, okay. If you say so, then.”

I pushed away the impulsive thoughts.

I didn’t want to do anything that Hardwin didn’t want me to do.

“Ellie, you listened.”

Hardwin smiled softly, as if he thought I was great.

“It’s because you said so.”

Because it’s your words, not anyone else’s.

For some reason, I can trust your words.

I copied Hardwin and smiled back.

Hardwin’s lips parted slightly, and he let out a small sigh, “Ah…”

It was a sigh whose meaning was lost on me.

“Hardwin?”

Hardwin suddenly got up from his lying position.

Hardwin’s eyes, who had been making eye contact with me, were averted.

He was acting like he didn’t know where to look.

Then he got out of bed.

“Ah, I will go now.”

What did I do wrong?

I watched Hardwin’s face as he stumbled backward, away from me.

He wasn’t frowning. On the contrary, it looked like his pale cheeks had turned red.

Was he running a fever?

Hardwin, who barely managed to make it to the door, said.

“Oh, by the way. There is a banquet hosted by the imperial palace soon. You have to practice dancing with me starting tomorrow. This was the most important thing… I forgot to mention it.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Good night then.”

He left the room with a light wave of his hand and never returned.

Instead of waiting for Hardwin to return, I ran my fingertips over the area where he had been lying a moment ago.

It’s warm.

On the white sheets where his warmth lingered.

As I continued to touch that spot, I felt like Hardwin was right next to me.

I don’t mind sleeping here tonight.

It was a thought that suddenly occurred to me.

* * *

“Madeleine, if there’s anything you’re uncomfortable with, don’t hesitate to tell me.”

Madeleine handed me the tea and smiled.

“There is nothing bothering me, thank you.”

A week had passed since I decided to become friendly with Madeleine, Hannah’s maid.

I had talked to Madeleine quite a bit during that time.

Whenever I spoke to Madeleine, she always responded with sincerity.

Even though she vaguely knew my status and circumstances, she did not look down on me at all.

On the contrary, she only occasionally looked at me with eyes filled with longing.

Her sorrowful eyes meant only one thing.

She missed Hannah, who was no longer with us, and who she would never see again.

Through my conversations with her, I learned a little more about Madeleine.

She was a lot younger than I thought, as she would be turning 15 this year.

She had lived at Count Phever’s house since she was five years old.

The Phever siblings and Madeleine had a long relationship, spanning 10 years.

She had an eerie familiarity about her, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized why.

Madeleine looked like my younger sister, whom my father had sold off somewhere.

That was 10 years ago.

Strangely enough, it was around the same time that Madeleine came to the Count’s residence.

I asked Madeleine to tell me about her memories before she was five years old.

Madeleine’s answer was:

‘… I don’t know. Perhaps because I was so traumatized by the fact that I almost got sold to a brothel, I don’t remember anything about my childhood.’

I wondered how that could have happened and if Madeleine was my sister.

That was the extent of my thoughts.

Madeleine, who seemed to have finished her job, tried to leave the room.

I hurriedly called her over.

“Madeleine. Um… come have some tea… with me. Because no one else comes here anyway.”

We became a little closer and sometimes drank tea together in Hannah’s room.

Hannah’s room was a place where most people couldn’t easily enter, so that was where we would chat and share a cup of tea occasionally.

When I left the room, I had to act like I was Count Hannah and she was my maid.

Madeleine nodded slightly and sat down across from me.

She spoke to me after taking a sip of tea to quench her thirst.

“I haven’t been able to tell you all this time… but I’ve been thinking that I’m glad you came to the Count’s estate.”

I nodded as if I was the Ellie that couldn’t speak.

“I have a lot of debt to repay to Count Phever.”

“Thank you for keeping my secret… I trust you.”

“Yes. I will help you until the day Lord Hardwin safely receives the title of Count.”

There was no falsehood in her words. I responded with a smile.

After talking with her over the past few days, Madeleine was a better person than I thought.

She seemed like the kind of person that wouldn’t fall for Lennon’s temptations.

At least that’s what I thought.

The short tea time ended quickly.

Madeleine stood up from the couch and spoke to me.

“If you don’t have any more work for me to do today, do you mind if I take a quick trip into town? I have some personal business to attend to.”

“Sure that’s fine.”

“I’ll be back soon, don’t worry.”

I asked her a question before she left.

“Can I go into town with you?”

It was an impulsive question.

Madeleine looked concerned at my abruptness.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“It’ll be okay for a while.”

There wasn’t anything I wanted to see.

I just wanted to follow Madeleine.

There was something I wanted to check by following her.

I planned to check it out and then return straight to the count’s house.

Madeleine answered without much thought.

“I don’t mind.”

I grabbed a wide-brimmed hat from the coat rack and left the room with Madeleine.

Then we got into the same carriage.