Only Realized After Losing You

46. ​​Hide Your Hands For Now

“I’ll tell you the next time we meet.”

My tension was for nothing.

Because what I got back was a disheartening answer that made my legs feel weak.

“I’m not seeing you again.”

At least not until I completely handed over the county to Hardwin.

Until then, I felt it was right to stay out of Lennon’s way.

Despite my firm answer, a smile spread across Lennon’s face.

The atmosphere changed abruptly.

When he had a serious face, he gave off an aura that was unapproachable, but when he smiled, his mood became somewhat gentler.

When he wasn’t smiling, he could be very intimidating, but when he lifted the corners of his mouth, he was unexpectedly friendly.

Lennon Hills was a strange man.

The boundaries that he had pushed to the limit were collapsing.

Although I only saw Lennon’s smiling face, I felt a vague sense of familiarity with him.

In my blurred memories of the past, various images of Lennon began to take on unique shades and clouded my mind.

I felt like my memories of him were becoming clearer for no reason.

Lennon’s hand that patted my head like he’d known me for a long time.

The feel of Lennon’s hand as he held mine over and over again.

Even his hot lips that kissed me.

No words were exchanged.

Lennon was silent, but he didn’t move away.

We stood face to face, repeating words in our heads that we couldn’t say.

In a prolonged silence that came with being the first to speak, I was the one who broke the silence.

“I’m going to go..”

Then Lennon answered as if he had been waiting for me to say that.

“Whether we meet again or not…you don’t know.”

If he put his mind to it, Lennon could find an excuse to meet me.

It also had to do with why Lennon had been quiet for nearly a week.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t come to see me, it was that he didn’t want to.

There was no need to be impatient, because he was available.

“Okay, I stand corrected. We might meet again.”

“Thank you.”

“I have something to ask you.”

Lennon nodded as if he was allowing it.

I looked him straight in the eye and asked my question.

“Why are you looking for her? Is it because she suddenly disappeared? Do you miss her? Or maybe… do you like her?”

I didn’t stutter once.

In addition, I exhaled appropriately at the right times.

At this rate, no one would ever notice that I had been mute for so long.

I thought that also applied to Lennon.

I hoped that my newfound fluency would cause his suspicions toward me to diminish.

Lennon was deep in thought for a moment.

He had been looking for me ever since I disappeared, but he seemed to have finally figured out why he was looking for me.

Then, upon realization, he answered.

“If I had to describe it in one word, it would be ‘loss.’”

“… … .”

“To be honest, I am not a nice person. Because what I really want is something ugly. Every time I do something equally ugly to get it, it leaves me feeling empty inside.”

The ugly thing that Lennon really wanted.

I thought it was related to a confession Lennon had made to me before.

‘Taking away something a person cares about most… is the best way to make that person feel defeated. That’s why I kissed my stepmother.’

I didn’t know the full story, but Lennon had a deep hatred for his father.

He knew how ugly it was to seduce his stepmother, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing it.

The story of how Lennon, a beautiful person who attracted people’s attention wherever he went, had no choice but to kiss his stepmother.

The reason why he couldn’t help but hate his own father.

I became curious about his story that I never got to listen to when I was mute Ellie.

If I hadn’t become Hannah’s stand-in, would I have known his whole story?

“But after I met a woman named Ellie and told her my story, that feeling of emptiness disappeared. She even comforted me. So I liked being with her.”

“…Oh.”

“I don’t know if the desire to be together means friendship, sympathy, or love… ”

Lennon trailed off.

He seemed unable to define exactly what emotion was driving him to seek me out.

He continued his story.

“It’s not that I want to find her and do anything with her. I just want to know that she’s okay, and if I get the chance, I want to talk to her again. That’s all.”

He let out a small laugh.

As if he’d imagined talking to me.

“If I’m going to talk to her, I’d better bring a good pot of tea.”

“Do you miss… her?”

Lennon answered without hesitation.

“Yes, I do.”

In our locked gaze, Lennon’s eyes were a little duller than before.

His pupils appeared to be watery.

But it only seemed that way for a split second.

When he closed his eyes and opened them again, there was no trace of tears in his eyes.

Lennon and tears.

I couldn’t think of a more unlikely pairing.

I thought I saw it wrong.

Lennon crying while missing me was truly unrealistic.

I didn’t know much else, but it seemed as though Lennon was genuine in his longing for Ellie.

His eyes, filled with sorrow, could not be fake.

The feeling of missing someone.

It was an emotion I’d come to know better since my arrival at the County of Phever.

I missed Hannah, whom I could no longer see, and I missed Hardwin when I left the Count’s mansion.

I didn’t know what was going through my mind.

Could it be because I sympathized with what Lennon was feeling?

I grabbed Lennon’s defenseless right hand.

Lennon was visibly flustered and looked down at our clasped hands.

The feel of his hand was no different than before.

Despite the pretty shape his hands had, they were quite firm and very hot.

“I hope you find her.”

I was doing the second method I came up with.

‘Confronting Lennon, not avoiding him.’

“Miss… Hannah.”

Lennon called my name intermittently. He didn’t say anything about letting go of his hand.

“But please also understand her situation when she suddenly disappeared.”

Even if you find out my identity, pretend you don’t know me.

“You miss her, and she’s precious… to you.”

So, don’t make it difficult for me.

“… … .”

When Lennon realized who I really was, he would understand what I meant today.

Because he was smart.

Lennon didn’t say anything.

His lips were tightly pressed together and showed no sign of opening.

I didn’t press him for an answer. Instead, I just held his hand a little longer.

The wind that brushed my cheek was cold, but I liked the warmth of his hands holding mine.

Lennon’s face was set in the full glare of the late fall sun.

The sun’s rays cast long shadows across the bridge of his long nose.

Each time Lennon’s lips parted slightly as if to speak, the shadow of his lips transformed.

But the words that tried to escape his lips were ultimately nothing. Silence.

An unknown breeze blew in, slightly ruffling Lennon’s black hair.

The noise that filled the street seemed to fade away.

The sound of carriage wheels rolling, the sound of merchants talking, the sound of people chattering…

All sound died away.

I felt a strange sensation in my heart.

I felt like I had to let go of his hand before the strange feeling took hold any more firmly.

Somehow… I knew it was a dangerous feeling.

I slowly let go of Lennon’s hand.

But Lennon tightened his grip on the hand that was pulling away.

His stiff lips parted,

“Wait.”

He spoke to me with an urgency I’d never seen before.

“Just a little bit more.”

I couldn’t ignore his desperation.

I just had to return before Hardwin came back, and he said he would be back late at night, so perhaps it would be okay if I held his hand a little longer.

I didn’t know how much time had passed.

We were holding hands long enough to feel each other’s hands in detail.

Lennon wouldn’t look me in the eye.

He was facing me but he was intentionally avoiding my gaze.

Finally, he spoke as if confessing while averting his gaze.

“… I want to see you again.”

Then he let go of my hand.

I opened my hands slightly.

My palms were heated from Lennon’s warmth.

“I’ll discuss it with Hardwin.”

Although I was shaken by Lennon’s desperation, I could not give a definitive answer.

I couldn’t do anything rash that might harm Hardwin.

It was only right to make all decisions regarding my secret after consulting with Hardwin.

But why did I feel the need to blurt out, ‘that’s the way it should be,’?

It was a good thing I hadn’t completely lost my reason.

“A lot of time has passed, I really should go.”

“I’ll walk you to the carriage…”

I cut Lennon off.

“It’s okay, the carriage is close by.”

“… … .”

“Thank you for accompanying me this far. Well, I’ll be off.”

I turned around, having perfected even the lightest of bows.

I was confident that I looked like a nobleman, in tone, in demeanor… and in appearance.

But why did I still feel uneasy for some reason?

It was then that I heard another person’s voice behind me.

“Lord Lennon! What if you suddenly disappear! You don’t know how long I looked for you.”

Oh no. That voice sounded familiar.

The image of the owner of that voice naturally appeared in my head.

The stiff brown hair.

The tanned, coppery skin.

Even his golden eyes that were strangely dilated when he licked my fingertips.

… Lebrado Resense?

I quickened my steps to avoid running into the newcomer.

But…