Only Realized After Losing You

50. How Long Will It Take For Us To Completely Trust Each Other?

Lebrado returned home with a look of clear disappointment on his face.

I remembered that his gait as he left the parlor was unusually slow.

The bear-like man’s slow gait was somewhat funny.

I looked at Lebrado’s large back and let out a laugh.

I also remembered Hardwin’s gaze looking down at me.

He looked a bit angry for some reason.

* * *

“Hardwin.”

Hardwin’s expression didn’t soften even when we returned to Hannah’s room together.

He just let out a long sigh with his face sunken like an abyss.

I felt a little awkward.

There were countless guesses as to what had irritated him.

Going out in the streets without his permission. Running into Lennon.

Telling Lebrado who I was. Patting Lebrado on the head.

Ah… The last part was something I didn’t quite understand either.

Was it the act of patting Lebrado’s head that made Hardwin angry?

I didn’t know.

But when he looked at me, his face was very stiff.

It was a face that could only be described as angry.

In any case, the biggest offense of all was going outside without a plan.

I approached Hardwin.

He was just standing in the middle of the room without sitting down anywhere.

“I promise I will never act alone again. And the reason I went out during the day is…”

I felt something was suspicious about Madeleine, who said she would go out for a bit.

I felt uneasy, wondering if she was meeting Lennon.

I even went out on the street wearing a big hat as a disguise.

Lennon told me what he had found out about me and Hannah.

Hardwin listened to me silently, his expression not changing at all.

Finally, when I had finished telling my story, Hardwin slowly answered.

“… But you were the one who ended up meeting Lennon. And he told you that if he ever saw you again, he’d tell you more about his findings.”

“Uh huh. Right.”

“Ha…”

“Hey, are you angry?”

He looked at me with a thoughtful look on his face.

“Ellie. Answer me clearly.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m your protector now, right?”

“Yes.”

At least, you are the person I trust and rely on the most.

“Then, as your protector, I will say just one thing.”

“… … .”

Hardwin grabbed my shoulders with both hands and choked out.

“Be vigilant. Please.”

Being vigilant.

I’d shown Hardwin plenty of wariness toward Lennon.

So did Hardwin want me to be wary of Lebrado too?

It was a very plausible inference.

Because I revealed my identity to Lebrado without a hint of caution.

“You mean Lebrado? But Lebrado wanted to swear allegiance to me. I’m not asking you to trust him right now. But at least… ”

I couldn’t continue further.

As I answered, Hardwin’s hand on my shoulder came down and grabbed my hand.

He didn’t just grab my hand, he pulled me somewhere.

As expected, it seemed like it was something he was doing because he was angry.

Hardwin’s steps stopped at Hannah’s bedside.

With a little effort, he pushed me down on the bed.

My body fell helplessly, and Hardwin ended up halfway on top of me.

I was briefly taken aback by his actions, but I didn’t think he was scary or that his actions were violent at all.

Perhaps it was because Hardwin’s face looked sad.

If not, perhaps it was because I knew what a caring person Hardwin was.

On the contrary, I felt that his behavior was different from usual and that it was stimulating.

While he was like a family member, like an older or younger brother, I felt like he was a man.

Hardwin asked me.

“How much do you trust me?”

“I…”

“Do you know what I’m thinking right now?”

“… … .”

I trusted him the most, but I had no idea what he was thinking right now.

I had no idea why Hardwin would do such an uncharacteristic thing.

But still, I trusted Hardwin.

He must have done this for reasons that I couldn’t understand.

“See? You don’t know anything.”

“… … .”

“People… don’t trust them too much.”

Hardwin sat up straight, having pushed himself off me.

He continued to wipe his face with his dry hands.

“… I was worried about you… I acted excessively. I’m sorry.”

I raised my body from where I was lying and sat on the bed.

“It’s okay.”

I didn’t feel threatened at all.

Hardwin bowed his head deeply.

“… I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I promise.”

There was clear remorse in him.

The anger surrounding him seemed to have subsided a little.

“But Ellie, please be wary of people. As you’ve seen, people aren’t always kind.”

I stared at Hardwin, who couldn’t meet my eyes.

“Hardwin, you too? You… you gave me, a stranger, a new pair of shoes. You stroked my hair. You gave me the courage to speak. And yet you’re not a good person?”

I grabbed the hem of his shirt tightly to keep him from running away.

“I am…”

“… … .”

“I am human too. Look at me earlier. I scared you.”

“But in the end, it was for my own good. You knew I wouldn’t listen if you spoke softly, right?”

Hardwin didn’t have an answer for that. I took his silence as affirmation.

He knew me too well.

If he had gently coaxed and comforted me as he usually did, I might have overlooked his warning.

Of course, that didn’t mean I would immediately ignore his advice.

It was just that I could have forgotten his advice. As time went on and memories faded, I could have made mistakes without realizing it.

Hardwin probably had that in mind.

A little more impactful. To make it clearer. To give me a warning.

Because this was an important issue.

“Have you ever been hurt because you trusted someone?”

Hardwin began to tell his story quietly.

He didn’t make eye contact with me. “Once upon a time… when my parents passed away young, my uncle came to our home and treated my sister and me very well. But he was secretly plotting to steal the county behind our backs.”

“Oh.”

“I believed in him… After my father, mother, and older sister, I believed in him the most… ”

Hardwin closed his eyes tightly, unable to continue speaking.

He had a wounded look on his face.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine how deep the wounds he had received from trusting people were.

But I understood his feelings to some extent.

Because I also had a vague trust in my father.

“I trusted my father to some extent too. I never imagined that he would plot to take away both my sight and my voice.”

“… … .”

“I wonder if you feel the same way.”

Finally, Hardwin’s gaze met mine. He looked as if he was about to cry.

“Hardwin. Come here. Let me hold you.”

I pulled at the hem of his clothes again.

Hardwin was dragged towards me without much resistance and tilted his upper body toward me.

I put my arms around his back and pulled him close to me.

Just like I held Hannah in my arms when she was saddened by her early death. Just like that.

“But Hardwin.”

“…Hmm.”

“I want to believe. I want to give you trust, and I want to receive trust.”

“… … .”

“How long will it take for us to completely trust each other?”

Hardwin’s reply never came.

It was clear that it was a difficult question for him too.

* * *

By the time our conversation ended, dawn was breaking.

The long, long day had ended and the next day had arrived.

Hardwin had been in my arms for a long time without saying a word. And when the dawn light coming in through the window shone warmly on my face, he said,

“Sleep well.”

He left me with those words.

Then he walked out of the room without looking back, and I didn’t stop him.

Left alone, I laid down on the bed.

Strangely enough, I didn’t get much sleep.

I wasn’t sure if it was because of the emerging sunlight or because Hardwin’s scent still lingered at the tip of my nose.

I ran my other hand over my right wrist, where Hardwin’s fingertips had touched several times.

The area where his fingertips had touched felt tingly.

It wasn’t because I was hurt, but because the stimulation he left behind hadn’t gone away.

It felt like Hardwin’s hot fingertips were still wrapped around my wrist.

The sensation of his touch that was left behind ran up my wrist and spread throughout my body and mind.

Even the thought of Hardwin’s hot breath when he hugged me made it hard for me to breathe.

I needed to calm my mind.

But the memory of his touch, which had already spread throughout my body, made my body feel strange.

I felt a tingly sensation in a place where no one’s hand had ever touched.

It wasn’t ticklish, but it was a strange feeling that made me want to touch it.

But I didn’t want to do anything with my own hands.

I thought of Hardwin’s hot breath and his even hotter fingertips.

I wondered if I was right to want him to touch me there.

Or was I wrong.

Was it right or wrong to feel Hardwin, who was like family, as a man for a moment?

His actions, which were intended to raise awareness about trust, seemed to have raised awareness about something else.