Only Realized After Losing You

51. Her Message

When I woke up, the sun was high in the sky.

I struggled to lift my eyelids, which felt heavier than usual.

As the line between dreams and reality blurred, past events flashed through my mind like a panorama.

“Are you awake?”

It was a voice that perfectly snapped me back to reality.

I looked in the direction of the sound. Madeleine was standing there.

“You were sleeping so soundly that I was wondering what to make for lunch. Are you hungry?”

She spoke as sweetly as any other day.

I raised my upper body.

“Thank you for your concern. As for the meal… ”

The answer came from my stomach.

Growl.

I rubbed my hand over my stomach, which was making a hungry sound.

It was a little embarrassing.

“Heh heh. I’ll get it ready soon. Just wait a moment!”

Madeleine looked amused.

I called out to her urgently as she was about to leave the room.

“Wait, Madeleine.”

“Yes?”

“May I ask who you met with yesterday?”

Madeleine answered without much hesitation.

“Ah. I had something to ask the detective agency.”

“A detective agency?”

“Yes. It’s quite a long story, I’ll explain it later. First, let’s get you some food.”

I nodded and Madeleine quickly left the room.

“Detective agency…”

Was she looking for someone?

Someone from a past she didn’t remember, looking for the family who sold her.

＊ ＊ ＊

It was not Madeleine but another maid who served the late breakfast.

After a modest and casual meal, Hardwin came to see me.

When he came into the room, he seemed a little awkward towards me, perhaps because of what happened yesterday.

I was really fine and had no complaints whatsoever about what Hardwin did.

I even began to reflect on whether I had trusted Lebrado too much.

But I didn’t tell Hardwin that it was ‘okay’.

I thought the look on his face was adorable.

I had a mischievous urge to see Hardwin fidget a little more.

He stood near the doorway, unable to speak easily to me.

“Hardwin. How long are you going to stand there? Let’s sit down.”

“… Oh.”

He sat down on the couch, still watching me.

I couldn’t help it and ended up letting out a chuckle.

Hardwin was concerned about my soft heart, but I thought he was the one who was truly weak-hearted.

I smiled faintly and comforted him belatedly.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m really fine.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve been reflecting on it all morning.”

Maybe that was why his face looked pale. It was clear that he had been having trouble sleeping.

“A punishment… would this be enough?”

“Ellie, did you think I deserved to be punished?”

“Well, it’s because you’re acting like you should be.”

“… Right.”

Idiot. Why are you doing this when the person involved is okay?

I changed the subject for Hardwin’s sake.

It was a topic he wouldn’t be embarrassed about anymore.

“What brings you here, anyway?”

“Ah… There’s a banquet tomorrow at the palace.”

“Yeah.”

The banquet that Hannah absolutely had to attend.

We had been practicing our dancing for the past few days for that banquet.

Thanks to Hardwin’s patient teachings, I’d gone from not knowing how to ‘dance’ to being able to do a few moves.

“I just wanted to go over it one last time.”

“Alright.”

“I’ve also prepared a dress for you to wear tomorrow. Would you like to change into it and come to my room? I’ve made room for dancing there.”

I nodded.

Hardwin left the room after saying that he would be waiting.

Shortly after he left, the maid who had served me breakfast returned with the dress Hardwin had prepared for me.

The dress was a beautiful shade of purple.

It had a moderate amount of frills and seemed to hug the body quite well.

It reminded her of Hannah in a way.

Hannah, who was a gorgeous and cheerful person.

If she were alive, she would have looked so beautiful in this dress.

Even though nothing sad had happened, my nose started to sting.

It seems like my sadness over Hannah’s death hasn’t subsided yet.

That sadness seemed like it would remain until I died.

The good news was that I didn’t end up shedding any tears.

I promised myself that I would carry out my role as her double perfectly, if only for the sake of Hannah, who had believed in me and closed her eyes.

With the help of the maid, I finished dressing and went to Hardwin’s room.

“Hardwin. It’s me. May I come in?”

Hardwin’s voice could be heard from inside.

“Yes, come in.”

When I entered the room, the first thing I saw was the handsome Hardwin in his black tailcoat.

I closed the door behind me and walked over to him.

Hardwin’s emerald eyes did not leave mine.

Unlike earlier, when he couldn’t make eye contact with me properly, he was following my movements closely with his eyes.

The hem of my dress swayed slightly with every step I took. My face had an awkward smile.

Then, for some reason, I felt awkward.

I spoke to him to ease the awkwardness.

“What do you think? Do I look like Hannah?”

Hardwin shook his head.

“No. You look like yourself. But people who don’t know her well will think you’re Hannah.”

“Yeah. That’s good, then.”

“… the dress. It suits you well.”

“Did you pick it out yourself?”

Hardwin paused for a few seconds, then nodded once.

What came to mind at that moment was the conversation I had with him the night before.

‘Ah… That’s right. What color do you like?’

‘Purple?’

‘Purple? Phew, thank goodness.’

‘Why is that?’

‘Well…There’s a banquet in two days. The banquet has a dress…. ‘

Hardwin trailed off as he was about to discuss the dresses needed for the banquet.

He couldn’t continue because Lebrado came to visit.

He was relieved that I liked purple, because he picked out a purple dress.

“Thank you, Hardwin. I’ll wear it well.”

“Good.”

Hardwin ruffled my hair a little. The corners of his cheeks were slightly red.

“Now let’s practice dancing.”

“Yeah.”

We stood facing each other. Then one of Hardwin’s hands wrapped around my back.

He braced his fingertips so that I could support myself.

“Remember? I’ll lead, and you just follow my steps.”

“…Yes.”

I answered with my gaze lowered.

The tips of his fingers touching my back felt strangely stimulating today.

His hand had been constantly touching me for the past few days while I was practicing my dance.

He took my hand with his other hand.

Hardwin, the young master without any music, began to step skillfully.

“Relax and focus on me.”

“… … .”

I tried to follow Hardwin’s steps like I always did, but it didn’t work out as well as I had hoped.

Eventually, I ended up doing the worst dance moves I’d ever done, twisting my feet twice and stepping on Hardwin’s shoes.

I was embarrassed for Hannah.

Hardwin seemed to notice that I wasn’t paying attention.

“Should we take a break? Are you having trouble concentrating because you haven’t been sleeping well?”

He asked sweetly, stopping his steady pace.

I could have spoken, but I was as mute as a honey-eater*. (t/n: *cat got my tongue)

I’m bothered by how close you are to me.

Your fingertips on my back were somehow stimulating.

So I can’t focus on you.

But I couldn’t answer like that.

I mustered up my courage and looked up at Hardwin’s face.

Hardwin.

Why do I find you so stimulating?

“Ellie… ?”

My heart races in my chest when you call my name.

What kind of emotion is this preluding to?

Was it because I saw you as a man and not family last night?

What suddenly came to mind then was what Hannah had said.

‘Liking something makes ordinary everyday life special.’

She said that when you liked someone, you felt a special emotion.

For example, the path you walk every day becomes special just because you walk it with that person.

The tea you drink every day tastes better because you drink it with that person.

The dance we did every day and your touch, it feels stimulating today.

* * *

He had been having the same dream since the day after she disappeared.

* * *

The beginning of the dream was always the same.

He was alone in a dark space without light, wind, or seasons.

It was a place he couldn’t escape from, a dark place deep inside his heart.

In that deep, dark place where there was no hope for salvation, someone’s hand miraculously reached out.

He grabbed it without hesitation.

He was consumed by the strange hope that the hand would save him.

His expectations did not betray him.

The hand pulled him up upward and helped him move towards the light.

Soon he found himself in a warm, bright space.

It was only when he reached the bright place that he could see the face of the person who reached out to him.

Beautiful silver hair.

Brown eyes that were almost amber in color.

She had an unassuming appearance, but somehow gave off a strong impression.

Her face was familiar to him.

He tried to reach out to her, to say something, but that was the end of the dream.

“… ha.”

Lennon woke up from his dream, gasping for breath.

He woke up from his dream, but the face he saw in his dream still lingered before his eyes.

Her name slipped out from between Lennon’s red lips.

“Ellie… ”

When did it start?

When I found out that we had the same story?

When you started understanding my circumstances?

When you didn’t look at me with disgust when I kissed my stepmother?

When I saw her blushing even at the slightest touch?

When her lips, curled up to speak, looked adorable?

Or, when you disappeared without saying a word to me?

When did I start caring so much about her?

Lennon let out a long sigh.

The sigh he let out filled his room with a haze.