Only Realized After Losing You

53. There’s No Way I’ll Ever Get Hurt

“…….”

Lennon did not answer his stepmother’s question.

Instead, he downed the tea from the cup the maid had prepared for him.

“How long are you going to go this time?”

“…….”

“A week? A month?”

Lennon replied, setting the teacup he was holding down with a loud clatter.

“I don’t know. How long?”

It was a vague answer, but Lennon had a hunch.

His interest in her wouldn’t fade anytime soon.

Perhaps, if she had only remained “Mute Ellie” to him, his interest in her would have faded quickly.

But then she suddenly disappeared. Leaving many of his questions unanswered.

And soon after, someone who looked like her appeared in front of him.

Lennon, who thought it must be so, smiled.

What a funny situation.

Whether Hannah was Ellie or not, it was indeed a very interesting situation.

In the meantime, his stepmother’s words continued.

“Don’t hurt her too much. If you continue to hurt others, one day you will be hurt in the same way.”

Lennon scoffed at her words.

“There’s no way I’ll ever get hurt.”

He declared.

His asserted words oozed confidence.

Lennon’s confidence was based on experience.

He had been deeply hurt once as a child and ever since then, he had been good at not letting others hurt him.

There were no variables in his ability, which had been perfected through trial and error.

“I know better than anyone how to live a life that doesn’t hurt.”

Hurting his father, who had hurt him, was progressing smoothly.

Lennon looked at his stepmother and smiled wryly.

But the smile was fleeting.

He quickly withdrew his smile and rose from his seat.

“I’m going to leave first today. I have to prepare for a banquet tomorrow that I have to attend.”

“You mean the banquet at the Imperial Palace?”

Lennon nodded briefly.

The woman would be there, whether she was Hannah or Ellie. So, he had no choice but to go join her.

“I’m going to finish the rest of my tea, so you go first.”

Lennon left the room without replying.

His stepmother didn’t complain.

There were no complaints about the short tea time, no frustration with him having another woman.

A casual relationship without pressure.

His relationship with his stepmother was like that.

Lennon took a few steps down the hall.

Then, he saw someone walking toward him from the other side of the long hallway.

Lennon stopped, staring at him as he approached.

When the other man was in front of him, he tried to walk past Lennon without even looking at him.

Lennon called out to him first.

“Hey, bitter little brother. Are you going to pretend you don’t know me again today?”

Only then did the man’s gaze land on Lennon’s face.

It was Hayden.

Hayden paused and replied coldly.

“If you’re going to argue, don’t talk to me.”

“I’m not arguing with you, I’m saying hello.”

“…….”

“What the hell are you upset about?”

Lennon took a step closer to Hayden.

He stood straight at Hayden and stared down at him.

There was a chill in Lennon’s red eyes.

Lennon said with a cold smile that matched his cold gaze.

“Are you unhappy that your mother and I are fooling around?”

“Shut up, Lennon Hills.”

Hayden curled his lower lip slightly. His face was contorted beyond repair.

Lennon continued.

“But Hayden. Remember, it was your mother who risked everything to join the Hills Duchy.”

“…….”

“In other words, you have no reason to be dissatisfied with me.”

Lennon patted Hayden on the shoulder a couple of times.

“So, little brother. Next time, I’ll expect you to greet me first.”

“…….”

“If you don’t want to end up like your servant, you’d better listen to me.”

Hayden briefly remembered his servant.

He had been a good servant to Hayden when they were younger.

“Well, I’m busy.”

Having said what he wanted to say, Lennon strode away.

Hayden stared at Lennon’s broad back as he walked away.

His hands were clenched into tight fists.

He was angry that Lennon hadn’t been wrong at all.

He was even more angry that he didn’t hate Lennon, despite his threat.

Hayden was faintly agitated by his arrogance.

But despite his hatred for Lennon, he felt a faint rush of warmth everytime he looked at Lennon.

Lennon gave him a strange feeling of hatred and affection.

Left in the hallway, Hayden couldn’t easily walk.

He let out a long sigh with a gloomy, shadowed face.

The arousal Hayden felt for Lennon was so horrible that he wanted to dismiss it as a sin.

However, he couldn’t deny that he was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that he couldn’t control.

Too many emotions had been stirred up to deny it.

At that moment, he thought of Ellie.

She made him feel better, if only for a moment.

She had taught him the wonders of confessing.

Hayden wanted to see her.

He wanted to talk to her and discuss the feelings that he wanted to deny.

Then he wanted to be comforted by her.

Ellie was the only person he could properly confess his feelings to.

But she couldn’t be found now.

She had disappeared suddenly. Without a trace. Without any message.

Hayden regretted it.

If only he knew she would disappear so easily.

He would have persuaded her a little more gracefully…

He could have been a little more sympathetic to her situation with Lennon, instead of trying to intimidate her by demanding that she tell him Lennon’s secret.

Just as she sympathized with Hayden.

But Hayden was well aware of his nature.

He couldn’t speak kindly like Lennon.

Consolation and encouragement were things he had never done in his life.

There was no way he could comfort her properly.

Hayden criticized himself.

“… I’m a terrible human being.”

For loving someone that I shouldn’t.

For failing to comfort the one person who understood me.

Frustrated by a reality I can’t change…

I want to quit everything, Hayden thought.

It was exhausting to live a life that sucked.

* * *

Sitting on a white chair in an empty room, Hayden stared intently at the pistol on his desk.

There were only a few instances where the pistol would ever be used. To kill, and suicide.

For the past few years, Hayden had fantasized about putting the muzzle to his head and pulling the trigger.

But it always remained a fantasy, and he never pulled the trigger.

Because he hesitated.

Even though he thought the reality was so horrible that he didn’t want to continue living, he was afraid of death.

Hayden tucked the pistol he’d been holding for a while back into his desk drawer.

He let out a long sigh as he locked the drawer.

There were thoughts running through his complicated mind.

‘Ellie, the mute who listens to you.’

‘You can tell her the secrets you can’t tell anyone else, and she’ll keep them to herself.’

That was Hayden’s first impression of her a few months ago, when he saw such an advertisement in an upscale bar he frequented occasionally.

Why would anyone do something so ridiculous and weird?

It was strange that someone organized that, and it was weird that there was a mute woman who claimed to listen to others.

But before he realized it, Hayden was signing a contract with Ellie’s father.

At the time, Hayden was becoming depressed because he couldn’t tell anyone his secret preference for men.

Perhaps it was his sick heart that the ad appealed to.

Confide your frustration to someone who won’t let your secret leak out.

That will make you feel a lot more at ease.

The price, which had to be paid up front, was ridiculously expensive for a mute woman.

But Hayden had plenty of money. He was the second son of the Duke of Hills.

He thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to spend a lot of money on something like that.

If he were to kill myself, he wouldn’t be able to spend it.

Hayden added a confidentiality clause to the contract.

It was just in case his secret got out.

It was funny how Hayden thought about death every day, hoping that his secret wouldn’t leak out.

That was how he met her for the first time.

Ellie. She had a name that made him nostalgic.

He thought it would be silly to confide his secret affairs to a stranger.

But before he realized it, Hayden was confessing everything to Ellie.

‘I think … like… I seem to like men.’

At the end of the confession, Hayden felt a sense of relief.

It felt like a weight off his chest.

The more he confessed his story to her, the more he felt at peace.

Hayden even felt like he was being saved.

He thought that continuing to see Ellie might calm his unstable mind.

He began to meet with Ellie a few more times with strange anticipation.

But then he made a surprising discovery.

He realized that one of her clients was Lennon Hills.

It was almost unbelievable.