Only Realized After Losing You

55. Suppressed Emotions

I had no idea.

Until now, I had thought of myself as a person who didn’t have emotions.

That must have been why I endured my father’s tyranny for so many years.

However, I felt the need to correct that sentiment now.

Since meeting the Phever siblings, I felt like I had become quite an emotional person.

I genuinely mourned Hannah’s death, sympathized with Hardwin who had been left alone, and…

“Phew. I’m exhausted. Let’s take a break.”

Hardwin, who had been dancing with me for a while, declared that he had given up.

He flopped down on the floor with his head bent.

It was my oversensitivity to his touch that had exhausted him.

Grief over a person’s death, compassion for others, and heightened sensitivity to the touch of those I encountered.

It felt like the emotions that had been forcibly suppressed due to my father’s oppression were coming back.

I followed Hardwin and plopped down on the ground.

A bead of cold sweat trickled down my forehead.

“Hey… Are you disappointed in me because I’m so bad?”

Hardwin’s bent head snapped straight up.

He responded with his head tilted at an angle to the right.

“No one’s good at it the first time. I’ll admit it, I was rhythmically challenged.”

“Oh.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I do. Because you said so. You were severely rhythmically challenged.”

“… … .”

Hardwin was silent.

“Hmm?”

Why did he remain silent? Was it because my answer was ridiculous?

He answered.

“Couldn’t you have surprised me with something like, ‘Oh, really? I can’t believe you were rhythmically challenged! You have such perfect dancing moves!’? Was my dancing that bad…?”

“…Ah.”

“And I wasn’t severely rhythmically challenged.”

I nodded belatedly.

Of course, Hardwin’s dancing was so good that he wouldn’t have been considered severely rhythmically challenged.

But I never doubted his words. That was all.

Although it was late, I wanted to repeat what he said.

The problem, however, was that he spoke too quickly.

It had been a little over a month since I started talking.

It was difficult for me to repeat Hardwin’s fast words.

So I said,

“Hardwin. I’m sorry, that example you gave me earlier, could you say it again?”

Then Hardwin called my name loudly, the blood in his cheeks rising.

“Hey, Ellie! You’re making fun of me, aren’t you?”

“Why do you think I’m teasing you?”

He seemed a little embarrassed.

Why?

“… Ha. Let me stop talking. I guess I expected too much from you.”

At that moment, I was terrified.

I was afraid I had disappointed Hardwin.

That I couldn’t be as good as he wanted me to be, that he’d be disappointed.

“Disappoint…….”

I was about to ask him if he was disappointed, but Hardwin beat me to it.

“I’m not disappointed. Don’t ask me if I was disappointed. It was just… more like a joke.”

His hand, which had been on my back while we danced, reached up and patted the top of my head.

“You’ve been so serious all day, so I tried to make a joke… I’m not good at jokes.”

“I know. That’s why Hannah made fun of you.”

Hardwin did not deny it.

He just smiled.

For us, Hannah’s name was not taboo.

The sadness that the name evoked was still there.

But more than that, I liked remembering the many aspects of Hannah that came to mind whenever I said her name.

Her hearty laugh, her soft hair, her slender neck.

That was why we often talked about Hannah.

“Ellie.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you been serious because of Lennon? Because we’ll see him tomorrow?”

Hardwin had it all wrong.

Because the one I cared about was Hardwin.

But I felt like it wasn’t necessary to tell the truth.

I nodded slowly.

Hardwin was the one I cared about most, but it wasn’t as if Lennon didn’t bother me at all.

Then Hardwin’s red lips moved slowly.

“… ect you.”

His soft words did not quite reach my ears.

I asked.

“Huh? I can’t hear you very well. Your voice is quiet.”

He spoke again, this time with certainty.

“I’ll protect you.”

“… … .”

“So don’t worry. I’m protecting you not only for your sake, but also for my own.”

He seemed trustworthy. As always. Every time.

I replied to him, replaying in my mind the importance of expression.

“Hardwin. Thank you.”

Hardwin, who had been looking at me, averted his gaze to the side

He seemed embarrassed.

Oh, my. Why hadn’t I realized that expression was such a wonderful thing?

“… I think it’s going to rain. My knees are sore.”

He and I glanced at the window.

I hadn’t noticed it because I was practicing my dancing, but the sky outside the window had been covered with dark clouds for some time.

Ashy clouds, heavy with moisture.

It looked like the rain would fall any moment now.

Hardwin had sensed it first.

I turned my gaze from the window and looked at him again.

“Hardwin. You’re seventeen.”

“… … ?”

“I’m seventeen too. My knees are strong.”

Hardwin made an exasperated sound.

“Hey… Is there a law that says seventeen-year-olds can’t have sore knees?”

“There isn’t.”

… I was just joking.

A joke that should make Hardwin, who was feeling embarrassed, smile.

But Hardwin just gave me a look of disbelief.

It seemed Hardwin wasn’t the only one who lacked a knack for jokes.

After a while, we let out a weird, “heh heh” laugh.

The jokes we made with each other ended in failure, but we ended up laughing, so I thought it was a happy ending in its own way.

It was then that a loud clap of thunder rang out.

Then, Hardwin’s face, which had been smiling foolishly, suddenly stiffened.

He quickly covered his ears with both hands.

As if he was afraid of the sound of thunder.

“Are you okay?”

Hardwin nodded his head in response.

But his face was pale and grim.

Even the fingertips that had covered his ears were trembling.

That never meant ‘okay’.

Even if I didn’t immediately understand the jokes he told, I could immediately notice the change in him.

I approached Hardwin.

“Thunder, are you scared of it?”

“… Yeah.”

When I looked at Hardwin, his eyes were glazed over.

What came to mind then was Hannah asking me to take good care of him.

I told Hardwin as Hannah had told me.

“It’s okay.”

“… … .”

“I’ll stay with you.”

“… … .”

“I’ll hug you.”

Hardwin’s body was visibly shaking.

His lips were tightly shut and he did not answer.

The thunder unexpectedly rumbled again, and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

His face was paler than snow.

I tentatively put my arm around his shoulder.

His body, which had been stimulating me all day, sank into my arms.

As I hugged him, I heard the sound of rain pounding the window.

It was a strong downpour accompanied by thunder.

I gently patted Hardwin’s back.

“It’s okay. Don’t be scared.”

Who would have thought that this man, who seemed so confident, would be afraid of the sound of thunder?

Hardwin snuggled closer to me, like a young animal seeking its mother’s embrace.

His body felt warm against mine, and he smelled nice.

It was a scent that made it hard to believe that he had been practicing dancing for hours.

Suddenly, I became worried that I might smell like sweat.

So I leaned back a little, but Hardwin followed my movements like a magnet.

Then he asked:

“…No?”

It seemed like he was asking if I didn’t like being hugged.

“No.”

On the contrary, my heart feels strangely ticklish and I felt good.

If only I didn’t smell like sweat, I’d stay like this a little longer.

Until your fear is gone.

I like the feeling of your hot breath on my chest.

I like the way the air around us feels hot.

The warmth of someone’s body temperature when you touch them is something you guys, the Phever siblings, taught me.

Are you aware of that fact?

I said, giving up on distancing myself from Hardwin.

“When I see you like this, I really feel like you’re seventeen.”

Hardwin, the seventeen year-old who was afraid of the sound of thunder, was gasping.

I pressed my fingertips against the small of his back.

He grunted back.

“… You’re seventeen too, right?”

“Yeah, I know. But you seem a lot more mature than me. You’re a deep thinker and very capable at everything.”

“But I’m afraid of thunder.”

“That’s right.”

He didn’t hide his fears.

I liked his blunt honesty.

“Shall I tell you a bigger secret?”

“What is it?”

“When the thunder gets really bad… I can’t sleep alone.”

He confessed again.

I could immediately recognize the hidden meaning in those words.

“Hardwin, are you asking me to sleep with you?”

“You, why do you say such things so boldly!”

“So, no?”

“… Yes, I was.”

It was a clear answer, even though it was mumbled.

I let out a small snort of laughter.

Hardwin spoke with complete sincerity.

“I’m scared.”

Hardwin looked down and his face crumpled, as if in pain.

I realized then.

I can’t turn away from him tonight.

The rain was getting heavier.