Only Realized After Losing You

56. Until I Couldn’t Hear The Rain

The rain did not stop, even at night.

The smell of rain wafted through the cracks of the slightly open window.

I took a deep breath into my lungs, smelling the rain.

‘Do you like rain?’

Suddenly, I remembered Lennon, who hated the rain.

Are you watching the rain too?

I closed the window that was still open and pushed Lennon from my thoughts.

After closing the window, I waited for Hardwin.

He had gone to his room to wash up and change his clothes.

He couldn’t sleep in a fancy tailcoat.

I felt tired and wondered if it was from practicing dancing all day.

As I let out a long yawn, I heard Hardwin knock on the door.

Tap tap.

“Hardwin?”

The answer rang out from behind the door.

“Yes, it’s me.”

I opened the door for him. And there he was in his pajamas.

His hands were wrapped around his arms and his lower lip was trembling faintly. He was paler than he had been in the daytime.

“Come on in.”

I tugged on Hardwin’s sleeve and pulled him all the way into my room.

Then I sat him down on the corner of the bed.

I took a thick shawl I’d left on a hanger and put it over Hardwin’s shoulders.

Just as he had covered me with his outer garment in the past.

Hardwin whispered a word of thanks, between short gasps.

I sat next to him and studied Hardwin’s side profile.

Hardwin, with his face flushed and his body trembling, looked vulnerable.

It seems to stimulate maternal instinct.

There was a palpable sense of fragility about him.

I started stroking his silver hair without realizing it.

Hardwin’s eyes naturally met mine.

“The rain never stops. Why does it have to rain with thunder?”

“Is it bad when it’s just rain?”

“… No. I can handle the rain alone.”

“That’s good to know”

Come to think of it, this was the first rain I had encountered since I came to the County of Phever.

It was the first rain with Hardwin.

Hardwin’s voice cut through the rain and thunder.

“I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I’m sorry I ended up relying on you.”

“Oh.”

“It’s embarrassing to admit, but I slept with my sister every time there was a thunderstorm.”

“It’s okay. We’ve slept together more than once.”

“…….”

Hardwin’s cheeks reddened rapidly. It was his typical reaction.

His body was as honest as he was with his words.

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Pfft, Hardwin. Your face has turned red.”

“… You seem to have changed a lot.”

He seemed to have reassessed me.

I tilted my head with a smile still on my face.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you smile a lot and you look nice.”

Having said that, he leaned over and rested his face on my shoulder.

Hardwin’s story began without a preamble.

“When I was a kid, there was a day when the thunder was really bad.”

“Oh.”

“That day, my sister didn’t wake up for a long time. She didn’t wake up for a few days, until I thought she was going to die.”

“I see. You must have been very worried.”

“From then on, the sound of thunder became traumatizing and terrifying to me. When I hear thunder, it reminds me of the fear, dread, devastation, and sadness I felt that day… Then it becomes unbearable, and if I’m not with someone, it becomes painful.”

“…….”

“I tried to get through it, but it didn’t work. So, I decided to admit my weakness. It’s about acknowledging it, accepting it, and hoping it gets better someday.”

The courage to admit your weaknesses.

How much courage is that?

How much weakness do I admit?

Hardwin, who had seemed vulnerable and my age, seemed so mature again.

It was a sentiment I felt every time I talked to him.

“The only problem is, I need to have someone I can trust by my side during a thunderstorm…”

I asked.

“Am I trustworthy?”

Hardwin snorted.

“If I didn’t trust you, I’d throw you out of here.”

“Hardwin has a way with harsh words.”

“That’s how much I trust you.”

Before Hardwin could finish speaking, our dark surroundings suddenly lit up.

It was a bolt of lightning.

After it was gone, there was a rumble of thunder that seemed to split the sky in two.

Hardwin instinctively pressed his body closer to mine.

Soon we were shoulder to shoulder.

“Ugh… I don’t have anything to fear anymore… Why are my hands shaking so much?”

Nothing to be afraid of…

Is that because Hannah is already dead?

Did it mean you don’t have to worry about Hannah dying anymore?

There was only one thing I could say.

“I’ll be with you. Don’t be afraid.”

“…….”

“Let’s go lie down. It’s late.”

I laid down on the bed first, gesturing to Hardwin.

Hardwin slowly followed and laid down next to me.

In Hannah’s large bed, we laid flat on our backs, facing the ceiling.

“The bed doesn’t smell like Hannah anymore, it smells like you.”

“Does that bother you?”

“No. I just feel like a lot of time has passed. Enough that I can smell you.”

“A year will fly by, won’t it?”

“…….”

Hardwin didn’t answer. But then he said something else.

“Just out of curiosity, did you have any other clients besides Lennon and Sir Lebrado, who called you master… the thing about listening to others?”

I rolled over to where he laid and replied.

“Yes, there was one more person.”

“What?”

Hardwin twisted his body toward me, startled.

“I’m sorry. Did I forget to tell you?”

Maybe it was because I had a lot of things on my mind.

I thought of Hayden from time to time, but I had forgotten that I had to confide in Hardwin.

Of course, I didn’t intend on telling Hardwin about Hayden’s secret, that he liked the same gender.

It was the same in the case of Lennon and Lebrado.

“Who’s the other one?”

“Do you know Hayden Hills, the second son of the Duke of Hills?”

“……!”

Hardwin was stunned.

He didn’t seem to expect the Duke of Hills’ half-brother to be my client.

“He was my client, too. Maybe I’ll see him tomorrow at the banquet hall.”

Even if we met at the banquet hall, Hayden would pretend not to know me.

He would turn away from me completely, as he did last time.

And then he snuck up to me late at night.

Clutching the sharp dagger that he couldn’t bear to slit my throat with.

I stopped thinking about Hayden and studied Hardwin’s face.

His frowning face did not look good.

I felt anxious that maybe I might have disappointed him again.

It was a great anxiety that shook me to my core.

I wondered why I kept doing things that would disappoint Hardwin.

Was that my weakness?

“Ellie. You didn’t disappoint me, so don’t give me that horrible look.”

“… Hardwin, can you read thoughts?”

“Pft, I’m a very ordinary person.”

So how do you read my thoughts every time?

“If you’re really sorry, hold my hand. My hands are shaking so much.”

“Okay.”

I fumbled for Hardwin’s hand and grabbed it.

His palms were covered in cold sweat. In addition, he was shaking more than before.

He was talking in a joking tone, pretending to be okay, but he wasn’t okay at all.

I wanted to hug him.

I wanted to share my body heat with him, even if he was stimulating me.

Hardwin, who didn’t know how I felt, continued.

“On the contrary, I’m glad you told me now. You could have kept it a secret.”

“But I thought it would be better to let you know.”

“But you’re not going to tell me his secrets?”

“…….”

“I’m not going to be a jerk and ask. I don’t need to know their secrets. I don’t really want to get involved with them.”

His voice trembled faintly.

I think it was because the thunder kept rumbling while we were talking.

Hardwin seemed to think that I had hardened my face because of their secrets.

However, the reason why my face was like that was entirely because of Hardwin.

I’m worried about you.

“The only thing that matters to me is that I safely become the count, and that nothing happens to you.”

“I know.”

“I can’t help wanting you to be happy, can I? I deserve that much?”

“Of course. I want you to be happy too.”

Hardwin was silent.

“But Hardwin. I’m going to keep my identity completely secret from Hayden. I’m growing more than I was when I first met Lennon, and more than I was yesterday. Who would have thought I could talk for this long.”

“I know. Hannah didn’t expect it either, did she?”

“I know. So trust me, I’ll try. I won’t let you down. Not to you or Hannah.”

Hardwin tightened his grip on my hand.

He managed to pull up his stiff lips and tried to smile faintly.

“Ellie. I’ve always believed in you. And you’ve never let me down. So let’s get some sleep. It’s late.”

“Okay.”

Hardwin closed his eyes first.

The smile on his lips was gone.

When his smile faded, his expression looked painful.

I wondered what I could do to ease his suffering.

“Hey, Hardwin.”

He replied a little late.

As if he thought our conversation was over.

“… Eh?”

“Can I sleep next to you?”

“…….”

“If you don’t like it, you can say no, I don’t mean anything else, it’s just, you’re shaking…!”

I blurted out.

Hardwin’s grip on my hand tightened, pulling me closer to him.

I settled in Hardwin’s arms like I was being sucked into a vacuum.

He pressed his free hand against the back of my head.

It was almost as if he’d been waiting for me to say those words first.

“Don’t regret it, you were the first to suggest it.”

“…….”

“I’m not going to do anything weird, rest assured.”

“What do you mean by weird?”

“U-uh, don’t ask me that, because I’m not doing anything weird anyway.”

“I see.”

Hardwin’s body trembled slightly against mine.

His fingertips, still trembling, stroked slowly through my hair.

Our bodies were pressed against each other.

The sound of our breathing sounded louder than the sound of thunder.

Even the pounding of a heart that could have belonged to anyone.

We were so close we could exchange saliva, but the lingering sense of distance made me hesitate.

I closed my eyes. But I couldn’t sleep.

For a very long time. Until I couldn’t hear the rain.