The Villainess Whom I Had Served for 13 Years Has Fallen

TLed by NolepGuy

Chapter 42

“It’s fine.”

That single phrase pierced my heart like a dagger. It felt sharper and more painful than any awl stabbing into my chest.

Ricardo’s expression, smiling as if nothing was wrong and holding my hand tightly, was unbearably hateful.

The question rose to the tip of my chin: Aren’t you angry at me? After all, you suffered such terrible pain because of someone like me. Don’t you resent me?

I gritted my teeth and spoke to Ricardo.

“What… exactly is fine?”

It was a question filled with resentment.

A question about why he was pretending everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t.

I gripped Ricardo’s hand tightly.

So tightly that my hand trembled. I was angry and hated Ricardo for lying. I wanted him to know I was being sincere.

“What do you mean by fine?”

Ricardo looked at me with an expression filled not with disdain or resentment, but with guilt. I wished he would say something—anything.

I wished he would curse at me, even now.

Call me a bad woman.

Tell me that his body was ruined because of me.

Instead of silently keeping his mouth shut, I wished he would at least hurl insults at me. That might have made me feel a little better.

Fine, he says.

Ricardo’s words echoed in my mind like a haunting refrain.

I asked Ricardo, pouring my heart into the question. I wanted an honest answer. Even though he was kind, even though he always stayed by my side, I wanted to know if he didn’t hate me.

At the same time, I hoped he wouldn’t say something coldhearted. Because I was a coward.

My voice trembled.

I wanted to speak harshly.

I wanted to scold him and tell him to stop joking, but my voice quivered foolishly.

“It’s not fine. It can’t be fine…!”

I thought to myself.

I deluded myself into thinking that maybe he did hate me.

After all, I not only left him with an unerasable scar but also subjected him to unbearable pain. And yet, all he got in return was a crazy woman searching for Mikhail.

If it were me, I would hate myself to death.

Whether I was a butler, a friend, or anything else, I would have abandoned everything and run away. Why didn’t you?

A torrent of thoughts and resentment surged within me, but all that came out of my mouth were the whiny complaints of a coward.

“Don’t lie.”

“It’s not a lie.”

Tears fell onto the blanket.

Because of the butler who refused to say anything hateful to me until the end, my tears flowed again.

I thought I had cried enough, but it seemed I still had plenty left.

I hid my tear-streaked face and said,

“It hurt, didn’t it?”

“…”

“It hurt so much you wanted to die, didn’t it?”

“It’s fi—”

“What… what is fine!!!”

I yanked my hand away from Ricardo’s in frustration.

“You could have died! Do you understand? You could have died…!”

Ricardo lowered his head.

Though he had done nothing wrong, he bowed his head and clenched his fists on the bed. Opening and closing them repeatedly, his hunched shoulders made my heart ache.

I buried my face in the blanket.

Even as I rubbed my eyes and tried to calm my surging emotions, my trembling shoulders refused to stop shaking with sobs.

“You could have died right there….”

“…”

Ricardo exhaled deeply.

In his sigh—haah—I could sense a faint tremor.

After taking another deep breath to steady himself, Ricardo spoke softly to me, his face buried in his hands.

“I knew.”

Ricardo’s calm voice froze my heart like ice. It felt as though my breath had stopped. Because I had heard words I never wanted to hear from him.

Before I could even ask, “Why…,” Ricardo continued.

“Because I thought it was the best choice.”

The best… As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it was the only option. It was the best choice. But there must have been other options that didn’t involve saving me…

The word “best” left me speechless.

Ricardo spoke with a trembling voice. It felt as though he was forcing himself to say something he didn’t want to.

“Young Lady, you see…”

Haah… Ricardo’s sigh reached my ears.

Running his hand irritably through his hair, Ricardo, like me, buried his face in his hands and began to speak.

“You are very precious to me.”

“Am I not precious to you? I…!”

“I know. I know you hold me dear. That’s why you took in a vagabond like me from the slums and made me your butler.”

At Ricardo’s words, I retorted. His confident reasoning didn’t seem like something worth risking his life over.

I wasn’t a hero who saved the world like Mikhail, nor a woman loved by everyone like Yuria. I was just a foul-tempered villainess. There was no reason for him to risk his life for someone like me.

I had only taken him in out of curiosity, and Ricardo had just been lucky. If he claimed he risked his life for something so trivial, I couldn’t believe it.

It felt like a lie meant to comfort me.

So I spoke bluntly.

“You risked your life for something so trivial? Are you insane? Did you think you were some saint or hero?”

“It’s not trivial.”

Ricardo frowned as he brushed back his bangs. His expression was even more displeased than when he showed me the scars on his arm.

He revealed a small scar etched into his forehead.

Though it had faded over time, the deep mark still bore evidence of the scar. Ricardo took a deep breath and continued.

“To me, it’s not trivial.”

I didn’t know much about that scar. I had only picked up a child who was dying in the rain.

To me, that scar didn’t hold much significance.

I looked at Ricardo and said,

“That was… just luck on your part.”

Ricardo spoke firmly.

“Sometimes, that luck can change a person.”

Ricardo covered his forehead.

“Calling it trivial doesn’t do justice to how much it changed my life. I used to beg in the slums, stealing from kids.”

“You were a kid too.”

“I was a special kind of kid, so let’s leave that aside.”

Ricardo took a deep breath and said,

“I am a butler. I’ve served you for 13 years. I know what you like, what you dislike. I know you well.”

“What’s so great about being a butler?”

Ricardo smiled playfully.

“What’s so great? I take pride in my job.”

It was nonsense.

What’s so great about being a butler? All I had given him was a nameplate and a black butler uniform. Unlike other nobles, I couldn’t offer him an estate, wealth, or social status. I was just a fallen noble lady.

Ricardo’s words were nothing more than a hollow excuse.

I wanted to know Ricardo’s true feelings.

The resentment he harbored toward me.

So I spoke spitefully. Like a hedgehog instinctively raising its quills, I reflexively lashed out.

“Just curse me already.”

“…”

“Just say you hate me, that you can’t stand me. Call me pathetic if you pity me.”

I acted out of pointless pride.

Because no other answer came to mind.

If it wasn’t out of pity, I couldn’t comprehend why he would act that way.

Ricardo looked at me.

At me, shedding tears onto the blanket while spitting out cold words.

“Young Lady, do you realize that asking someone to curse you with a face like that has no persuasiveness?”

“Who in the world could curse someone who’s sniffling with a runny nose?”

I spoke.

I told him not to joke around.

This time, I glared at Ricardo with a slightly intimidating expression, but Ricardo responded that he wasn’t joking either.

Ha. Ricardo let out a sigh. He glanced at the starry window, then turned his gaze back to my face.

At my face, which kept shedding tears uncontrollably, even though I didn’t want to cry.

“You said you care about me, right? I care about you just a little more than you care about me. Just a little more.”

“What does that even mean…?”

“Thirteen years is a surprisingly long time. When we first met, I thought you were a crazy woman, but over time, I grew fond of you.”

Ricardo gave a gentle smile.

“You told me to curse you, right?”

He whispered a small insult into my ear.

“Fool.”

Then he lifted his head as if feeling refreshed.

“This should be enough to resolve things. If you have any complaints, don’t whine about side dishes later and just eat your meals properly.”

Don’t. Don’t say things like that.

I couldn’t let it slide this time either.

I had to tie this knot firmly and move forward.

I spoke to Ricardo.

“Do you not hate me?”

Ricardo hesitated for a moment.

“Except when you complain about side dishes, I don’t hate you. As long as you don’t leave paprika separately on the plate.”

“No… that’s not what I mean.”

I voiced the thoughts I had been keeping inside.

The thoughts about how Ricardo might feel about me. Whether he hated me or despised me.

“I…”

My lips wouldn’t move.

My lips, trying to bring up that incident, were paralyzed with fear, but I thought this was my only chance.

If not now, I knew too well that I, the coward, wouldn’t even be able to ask this foolish butler.

With a trembling heart, I spoke.

“Because of me… you went through that. Don’t you hate me?”

Ricardo answered plainly.

“Not at all. It was my choice.”

Tears began to flow.

I thought I wouldn’t cry anymore. I thought I had cried so much that no more tears would come. But at Ricardo’s words, saying it was nothing, tears fell.

“It’s… all my fault. If I hadn’t liked Mikhail, you wouldn’t have had to go through that.”

My emotions surged.

“If I hadn’t foolishly used dark magic, you could’ve lived happily. You could’ve attended the academy or done something other than being a butler.”

The weight of the butler’s ruined life, caused by my actions, felt like it was crushing my shoulders. Everything that happened because of me. Things I couldn’t blame anyone else for or make excuses about—all of it was my responsibility.

I couldn’t lift my head under the weight of guilt.

“I…”

My voice trembled.

Overwhelmed with emotion, I couldn’t speak properly.

“I’m… really sorry…”

I grabbed Ricardo’s arm and buried my face in it.

I worried about whether even my touch might hurt him. I wondered if I was holding on too tightly. But if I didn’t hold onto this arm, it felt like my wavering heart would collapse.

“I’m so sorry… but every time I see your face, I think of how much you’ve suffered, and it drives me crazy…”

If I were you.

I wouldn’t even look at me and would live as if I were your nemesis.

“Do you really not hate me?”

That question carried everything.

The guilt of ruining Ricardo’s life.

The pain I caused him to endure when he didn’t have to. All of it was contained in that one question.

“Hic… I…”

Overwhelmed with emotion, I was at my limit even to speak.

“I’m… truly sorry…”

I clung to Ricardo’s arm and cried.

Ricardo embraced me and gave a short reply.

“It’s okay. Truly.”

Ricardo, speaking calmly, patted my back as he said,

“How can anyone stop someone from liking another person?”

Ricardo lifted my head and pressed it like a goldfish. Seeing my scrunched-up face, he gave a small laugh.

“Let’s stop talking about this now.”

As expected, he ended his words with a hint of playfulness.

“You look really ugly when you cry.”

That night, I cried in Ricardo’s arms until morning.

***

The next day.

Ricardo replaced the wet towel on my forehead, which was burning with a fever, and said,

“Panda…”

“Don’t laugh.”

“Your eyes are as big as fists.”

“Eeeek… I said don’t laugh!!”

I grabbed the wet towel from my forehead.

And I threw it at Ricardo.