Only Realized After Losing You

57. Listening to His Breathing, I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About Him

When I woke up from my deep sleep, my surroundings were completely bright.

Whenever we fell asleep together, it was always Hardwin who woke up first and disappeared.

He always made sure to erase all traces of him.

As if he was trying to erase the fact that we even fell asleep together.

But today was different than usual.

When I woke up, I was in Hardwin’s arms.

His hand was still firmly pressed against the back of my head.

His soft breathing still lingered in my ear.

I snuggled a little deeper into Hardwin’s arms without making a sound like I wasn’t awake.

I thought it wouldn’t be a bad thing to wake up being held in someone’s arms.

My heart made a sound I had never heard before.

I closed my eyes again, feeling my heart pounding and Hardwin’s even breathing.

As I listened to his lullaby-like breathing, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

The more I understood about myself, the more I could clearly realize that something inside me had changed.

It felt different from when we slept together before.

I could no longer hear the thunder that had frightened Hardwin last night.

* * *

I must have fallen asleep just like that.

I lifted my closed eyelids.

My surroundings were much brighter than when I first woke up.

The first thing I did when I woke up was to look for Hardwin.

But he must have woken up, because I was alone in bed.

A shame, I thought.

I reached out and touched him, only to realize he was gone.

I was halfway to my feet when I heard a voice.

“Are you awake? I was just about to wake you up.”

I turned my head in the direction of the sound.

There was Hardwin, sitting on the corner of the bed.

Thank goodness he hasn’t completely left.

Why did I feel such a sense of relief knowing he was nearby?

A faint smile appeared on my lips.

“When did you wake up?”

“Around when I stopped hearing the rain?”

Hardwin looked toward the window.

“Thank goodness the rain has stopped. At least I won’t be shaking my hands at the banquet. Right, Ellie?”

“Yes,” I replied shortly.

Hardwin’s gaze slid from the window to mine.

“It’s late, but good morning. Let’s do our best today.”

I spoke with a little more determination.

“Yes.”

* * *

By the time we had a quick meal and finished getting ready for the banquet, it was already afternoon.

“Ellie. Are you ready? Me too… ”

Hardwin said as he walked into my room, having finished getting ready in his room.

He couldn’t continue what he was saying, and just stopped walking awkwardly and stared at me.

“I’ll leave you to it.”

Madeleine, who had helped with the make-up, left the room tactfully.

“Thank you, Madeleine.”

I gave her a polite nod.

It always felt good to be able to express my gratitude in words.

I looked at Hardwin, who neither approached me nor backed away.

A black tailcoat without a single wrinkle, a nicely knotted tie, and soft, well-groomed hair.

On his ears he wore small silver earrings that matched the color of his hair.

I said out loud.

“Hardwin. You look great today.”

I didn’t speak falsely.

I wasn’t good at talking indirectly either.

I could only say that because Hardwin looked stunning all the time.

However, Hardwin, who accepted it, showed a somewhat embarrassed expression on his face.

“Well, that’s to be expected. Today is an important day.”

“Right. Let’s go before it’s too late.”

Since Hardwin didn’t approach me, I went to him first.

Hardwin hesitated as I stood straight before him.

“What’s wrong? Do your knees still hurt? The rain stopped… ”

“My knees are perfectly fine. … It’s nothing. Let’s get going.”

Only then did he turn around awkwardly.

I turned and thought to myself as I watched Hardwin walk away first.

Is there something wrong with my appearance?

Looking down at myself, my appearance was perfect.

In other words, I looked like the head of any other noble family.

My hair was tied up neatly, I had accessories that were appropriate but not excessive, and I wore the purple dress that Hardwin had prepared for me, along with white shoes that he had also given me.

There was no trace of my past as a commoner.

I felt a strange contradiction there.

* * *

I didn’t have much to say to Hardwin on the way to the palace.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the carriage window.

Perhaps because it was a big banquet, there were more carriages on the road than usual.

I had no idea how many people I would see there.

I looked closely at the various people visible between the carriages, hoping that I might find my sister.

But I couldn’t find anyone who looked like my sister.

Was my sister getting along well with that noble man who looked like Hayden?

How far did Hardwin go in investigating my sister?

I wondered if I should have asked about my sister first before Hardwin told me his story last night.

My sister, Isabelle. I hoped she was doing okay again today.

* * *

The banquet was held in one of the many palace buildings. We arrived at a reasonable hour.

Hardwin got out of the carriage first and extended his hand to me.

It was a fairly familiar escort.

I had been escorted by Lennon many times in the past.

I took Hardwin’s hand, briefly recalling Lennon’s red eyes.

As we got out of the carriage, Hardwin’s lips, which had been tightly shut, opened.

“… You look pretty today.”

It was a very small voice that soon disappeared like a mirage.

But our distance was too close, so I could hear him clearly.

You look pretty today.

I wondered if that was the reason Hardwin suddenly froze when he saw me in all my glory.

I just giggled.

As we walked down the hallway to the ballroom, my nervousness increased.

Since I wasn’t usually the type to get nervous, I guess I just assumed it would be okay.

Although there was nothing that made me feel that way, I felt like I was out of breath.

I let out a low gasp.

“Are you okay?”

Hardwin seemed to sense my nervousness.

“I can do it, right? I’m nervous.”

“Of course. I’m by your side. You just have to do what you usually do.”

“What I usually do??”

“Oh. Just talk to me and smile at me. Then it will be time to go back to the Count’s residence.”

I nodded faintly.

Then I summarized Hardwin’s words in one line.

“So in conclusion, you’re telling me to only look at you?”

“Agh, agh! That… is that right? Ahem.”

“That’s what I’m most confident doing.”

Yeah, I’ll be okay with Hardwin by my side.

I pulled myself together.

Slowly, I recalled Hannah’s various aspects.

The way she smiled. The way she gestured. The way she walked.

I would mimic as many details I could remember.

No matter how mysterious a count like Hannah was, the probability of anyone not knowing her was close to zero.

In any case, there would at least be a few nobles that knew her.

“Phew.”

Hannah. Are you still watching us?

If you’re watching us, cheer me on.

I want to be the perfect you, at least for today.

Meanwhile, the brightly lit ballroom drew closer. The rhythmic sound of music grew louder.

After walking a few more steps, we passed through the large arched doors leading to the ballroom.

Hardwin and I finally stepped inside.

His outstretched arm tensed at my fingertips.

As soon as we entered the ballroom, I could feel all eyes focused on us.

Everyone was stealing glances at us, pretending not to.

This kind of attention was not unfamiliar to me.

A sense of foreboding.

I had experienced this kind of attention before, when I was Lennon’s partner at a banquet.

I was grateful for that experience.

Because I had experience, the current attention I was under now was quite bearable.

We walked deeper into the ballroom, and I had a faint smile on my lips.

Hardwin glanced down at me every now and then to check on me.

Every time his warm gaze touched me, my tension seemed to ease.

We stopped near a table a little way from the center stage.

“Hannah. Should we start dancing when the next song starts? But first, let’s quench our thirst.”

Hardwin, who naturally called me Hannah, handed me a glass of wine that had been on the table.

“Alright. Let’s do that.”

I lifted the glass of wine, lightly sipped it, and looked around the banquet hall.

No matter how many people there were or where they were, Lennon was nowhere to be seen.

It seemed like he was going to be late again this time.

Just like when he said that the main character appeared late.

Since Lennon had not arrived, his knight, Lebrado, was not seen either.

No, Lebrado might not be able to attend this banquet since he was only a knight.

The previous banquet was hosted by the duke’s family, and this one was hosted by the Imperial Palace. It would be difficult for a knight to attend.

While I was looking around the crowd, my eyes locked with someone.

“… … .”

It was a man with pale, mysterious silver eyes.

It was Hayden, whom I hadn’t seen in a very long time.

This was the first time seeing him since becoming Hannah’s stand-in.

Would Hayden think of me as Ellie like the other two guys?

It was then that Hayden, who was not far from us, changed directions.

Hayden began to walk our way with a graceful stride.

His steps were clearly directed towards us.

I was sure.