Only Realized After Losing You

59. I Want Ellie

“Aren’t you curious about what happened with the carriage?”

It was Lennon who followed me.

“Have you really not thought about that?”

His red eyes searched my face intently.

It seemed like he was trying to figure out whether I was lying or not.

I answered with a dry cough.

“As I said before, I’ve been busy.”

At least that wasn’t a lie.

I had been busy learning the manners and dances that a noble should know.

Lennon seemed to realize that he could no longer blackmail me with that information, so he reluctantly admitted his findings.

“The carriage’s destination was Count Phever’s house.”

Let’s not panic, I thought.

Even if he found out where the carriage was headed, he wouldn’t know what happened at the count’s residence.

Instead, I turned to Lennon and asked pointedly.

“Lord Lennon, do you want me to say that I am the one you were looking for?”

The words that came out were calm.

There was no trembling or shaking.

I had anticipated early on that the carriage’s destination might be discovered.

Lennon answered confidently.

“Of course, my lady.”

“But I can’t give you the answer you want. I’m not her.”

Lennon’s red eyes glowed sharply in the dimly lit corner hallway.

It was a red that seemed to consume everything.

Lennon closed the distance between us even further.

He gripped my wrist tightly to keep me from running away and placed his other hand on the wall by my shoulder.

I was now completely trapped in his arms.

It was then that Lennon’s attitude changed.

“Hey. What the hell is your problem?”

“Le…”

Lennon cut me off when I called his name.

He complained in an irritated voice.

“What do you think I want to do with your pathetic county?”

“… … .”

“I have no interest in a rascal who is too young to inherit the county. If you wish, I can help him safely inherit the county.”

“… … .”

“I’m saying that I don’t care about your reasons for hiding the truth. If you really want to keep the real Hannah a secret, then so be it. I won’t ask.”

His tone was convinced that I was Ellie.

He acted as if he could understand my situation.

Just like mute Ellie understood his situation.

But I thought to myself.

If you knew the truth, you would have me at your mercy.

It’ll make Hardwin and me anxious every moment.

I couldn’t bring myself to say that and pursed my lips.

Lennon continued.

“I just want to see you. I just want to talk to you.”

“… … .”

“Ellie. How long do you plan on continuing this play?”

Only after he had said that did he give me a chance to answer.

I responded, considering everything he had said.

“You’re rude. Please get out of my way.”

Lennon responded as if he hadn’t heard me.

“If you want to continue this play until the end, I will continue pretending with you.”

“… Don’t do that. If you want me to replace that woman, I’ll do it.”

“No. I don’t want a replacement.”

“… … .”

“I want Ellie.”

His words of wanting me resonated in my ears a couple of times.

His confession, which felt so sincere, reached my heart.

Then I realized that I wanted to believe Lennon when he said he would help me, that he wouldn’t ask me how I became Hannah.

I even had a weak moment when I thought I might be able to lean on him.

What came to mind at that moment was the conversation I had with Hardwin.

‘I think he likes you…’

‘Lennon doesn’t like me.’

I told Hardwin the exact opposite.

But now I began to doubt Lennon’s feelings.

Otherwise, there would be no other explanation as to why he was so obsessed with me.

His sudden suspicions were strange.

What reason did Lennon have to like me?

I was very different from any woman he had ever met.

I was a commoner, had no natural bearing, and was rarely well dressed when I met him.

Lennon must have dated some beautiful noblewomen.

What was it about me that made me so different from the women he’d met before that struck a chord with him?

Was he drawn to the unexpected?

Or, if not that, the fact that I left before he could get to me.

A longing for what was gone, for what he could never fully have.

Could it be that he perceived his obsession and attachment to me as love?

His claim that he wanted me confused me terribly.

Hannah, what choice would you have wanted me to make?

I longed for the woman who was no longer with me.

Because she would have helped me make the right decision.

At that moment, Lennon’s red eyes, which had never left mine, lowered.

His gaze fell on my fingertips clutching the dress in a small fist.

“Hands. Shaking.”

My hands… They had been shaking for a while.

It was a fact that I wasn’t even aware of.

Lennon’s hand rested on the back of my hand, which was shaking slightly.

I flinched, but didn’t push his hand away.

His palm felt warm against the back of my hand.

There was no hint of menace or violence in that warmth.

On the contrary, it was strangely warm.

Lennon’s fingertips caressed the back of my hand. His touch was comforting.

‘Don’t be nervous. I told you I understand everything. You just have to lean on me.’

I felt like that was his message.

Then, Lennon’s gaze fell.

He parted his lips, which were redder than his eyes.

“If you really don’t want to get caught by me…”

“… … .”

“Don’t show any weaknesses.”

Lennon’s body, which had been pressing down on me to the point where it was suffocating me, moved away.

As if he had finished saying everything he wanted to say, he turned around without another word and walked away.

I clenched my hands that were still trembling into fists.

The old me would have let Lennon go like that.

But I chased after Lennon as he walked away.

I thought if Hannah had been here with me, she would have advised me to do so.

‘Go after him. And tell him what’s on your mind. You’ve only been listening to him. Haven’t you decided that you’re done just listening?’

As a result of walking briskly, I was able to catch up with Lennon in no time.

I grabbed Lennon’s defenseless wrist.

And I blurted out exactly what he had said to me.

“You are the one who should not show any weaknesses.”

Lennon’s steps stopped. His head turned around at an angle.

“You…”

I cut Lennon’s sentence off and continued with mine.

“You lied when you said you had ambiguous feelings for the woman named Ellie, whether it was friendship, sympathy, or love.”

“… … .”

“You are in love with her.”

I said something I had vaguely suspected with certainty.

Because I wanted to see his reaction.

Lennon’s seemingly relaxed face rippled.

He was definitely confused.

What does his confusion mean?

Does he really love me?

I wanted to ask Lennon the question.

‘Are you still in hell?’

But that was something I couldn’t ask him.

I couldn’t say that because I was Hannah.

“If you want your beloved to be happy, respect her choices. Be someone that she can look up to. Act noble. Like the next Duke of the Hills.”

“… … .”

“And stop chasing after a woman who left you without even telling you what happened.”

“… Ellie. No, Hannah… ”

Lennon looked even more confused.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit tacky?”

Lennon’s brow furrowed at my last, sharp comment.

“I’m sorry if I was rude. But it’s nothing compared to all the rudeness you’ve shown me before.”

“… … .”

“Don’t be rude to me anymore. This is your final warning.”

It was exhilarating. I turned around, fully enjoying the feeling.

I heard Lennon’s booming laugh behind me.

I didn’t look back as I walked away.

* * *

When I returned to the banquet hall, I could immediately spot him among the crowd of people.

There are many glamorous and gorgeous people, but still, in my eyes, all I see is you.

His silver hair sparkled beautifully in the reflection of the chandelier.

Hardwin’s profile, staring off in the distance, looked indifferent, yet at the same time, stubborn.

As I closed the distance enough to have a conversation, Hardwin’s head turned towards me.

A faint smile spread across his face as he noticed me.

Hardwin rubbed the back of his neck a few times, as if embarrassed by the fact that he smiled.

I approached him with slightly faster steps.

I wanted to see Hardwin’s smile up close.

“Hardwin. Have you been waiting long?”

Hardwin was still standing near the table where we had been drinking wine.

It seemed like he was waiting for me.

Hayden and Lennon were nowhere to be seen.

“Why are you so late?”

At his kind words, the tension in my heart caused by Lennon seemed to melt away like snow.

“I got a little lost. This is my first time here.”

“You said you were confident you could go on your own.”

“I didn’t realize it, but I’m a bit of a wanderer.”

Hardwin let out a long sigh at my bluntness.

“Were you worried?”

Instead of answering, Hardwin studied my appearance closely.

It was like he was checking to make sure something hadn’t happened to me.

Finally, satisfied that I was okay, Hardwin responded slowly.

“… If you know that, don’t make me worry.”

It was a very strange thought.

But I was glad that Hardwin was worried about me.