Only Realized After Losing You

60. It’s Like How I’m Unable To Love Anyone

Hardwin continued,

“After you left, both of the Hills brothers left shortly after. I thought they might have followed you. If you had been later, I would have gone to look for you.”

Lennon did follow me though.

I thought I should wait until we went back to the count’s residence before talking about it.

Because I didn’t want to make him worry again when he was already relieved.

The important thing now was to dance safely with Hardwin.

I had to make it clear to many people that Hannah was alive.

That was all that mattered.

“It’s okay. I’m not a kid. I came back safely in the end.”

“I’m a fool.”

I shrugged.

“I didn’t know that, but I guess you have talent for that too.”

“… I can’t win with you.”

Hardwin ruffled his hair.

His silver hair, which had shone beautifully, was now stylishly disheveled.

I hadn’t realized it before, but many noble ladies were constantly glancing in our direction.

To be more precise, they were staring at Hardwin.

There were countless gazes pretending not to stare at him.

But Hardwin paid no heed to the attention he received from them.

Hannah wasn’t the only one whose reputation was surrounded by dark rumors.

Hardwin, like his sister, had no interest in society whatsoever.

So, wouldn’t there have been one or two scandalous rumors following him?

Being ugly, disabled…

I was sure they were all very negative.

But Hardwin, who confidently revealed his appearance, was handsome enough to blow away all the gossip that followed him.

Unlike the flashy Lennon, Hardwin was modest but somehow stood out.

It was clear that everyone was taking notice of him.

I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought he was dashing.

But Hardwin had his eyes fixed solely on me.

I felt a strange elation at that fact.

He looked at me with a steady gaze and extended his right hand to me.

“Would you like to dance?”

“Yeah. I just happened to have clean hands to hold yours.”

“… … .”

Hardwin made a face of bewilderment.

It seemed like his face was asking, ‘Can you really be this cheeky?‘

I smiled faintly.

Hey, Hardwin. You know what?

I feel at ease when I am with you.

Maybe that’s why I’m so mischievous when I’m with you.

I’m also not used to being playful.

“… … .”

I placed my fingertips on Hardwin’s wrinkle-free white palm.

Holding each other’s hands had become so familiar.

We walked shoulder to shoulder toward center stage.

The music was just the right rhythm for dancing.

I made up my mind.

Even though I made a lot of mistakes yesterday, I will do better today.

I decided not to be so aware of Hardwin… until I touched him

Hardwin, who was standing opposite to me, supported my back with the hand he was not holding.

I took a deep breath at the unmistakable feel of his fingertips and his body heat.

My resolve not to be aware of him was in vain.

The distance between us, the feel of our breath, our bodies close together, Hardwin’s soft gaze…

There were no words that could explain the stimulation I felt.

There were several people dancing on the center stage, but as expected, all I could see was him.

I didn’t know if it was because I was focused on him or if there was another reason.

But focusing on Hardwin helped me avoid making mistakes.

I didn’t step on his feet or make any mistakes in my dance moves.

A perfect dance with a perfect partner.

When the music changed, I finally let out the breath I had been holding.

“We did it.”

I spoke quietly, so that only Hardwin could hear.

“Yes, good job. That was perfect.”

He tilted his head and whispered in my ear.

“Hannah would be proud.”

It was the best compliment, better than any sweet words could ever be.

I nodded.

I felt like I had accomplished a task that I absolutely had to do before I died.

* * *

It was only one dance.

After exchanging greetings with a few nobles I didn’t know well, I left the banquet hall with Hardwin.

Of course, the banquet was in full swing despite our absence.

The Hills brothers never spoke to me again.

When I was dancing with Hardwin and drinking wine, I could feel their eyes on me at every moment.

We walked to our carriage parked behind the palace.

Some time had passed and the sun was setting.

The sky was a grayish-blue, with the last of the reddish sunset colors peeking through.

“Beautiful.”

I stopped for a moment and looked up at the sky.

The cool autumn breeze brushed across my cheeks and lifted my spirits.

I was grateful that today, I had run into people from my past and despite that, nothing bad happened.

Hardwin, who had been walking alongside me, stopped.

“How was your day? Was it difficult?”

“If I said it wasn’t hard, I’d be lying.”

“Do you regret doing us this favor?”

Hardwin’s voice was low and deep, carried by the autumn breeze.

“Do you think I would regret it?”

Hardwin answered quietly.

“No. I don’t know how you’ll take this, but… I don’t think so. Am I wrong?”

“Your feelings are correct, Hardwin.”

“You won’t have any regrets in the future.”

“How can you be sure?”

I felt Hardwin looking at me.

I lowered my gaze from the sky and stared at him.

“Because I’m going to make it happen.”

“… … .”

“As long as we’re together, I’ll try my best.”

“You… Why are you so kind to me? Because you pity me? Because I did you siblings a favor?”

“Both. And there are probably other reasons. I can’t pinpoint just one reason. I just do what my heart tells me to do.”

“Oh.”

“It’s like how I’m unable to love anyone.”

“It’s complicated.”

“That’s just how the heart is.”

Hardwin smiled faintly.

“Let’s go to the carriage now. It’s getting dark.”

I nodded.

When I looked up again, the setting sun had faded from the sky.

* * *

On the ride back to the count’s manor, I dozed off.

I had a short dream.

In my dream, it was none other than Lennon.

In a large, splendid banquet hall with pleasant music playing, it was just the two of us.

I didn’t know what was going on, but we were dancing.

Lennon led me with leisurely movements, but his dancing was different from Hardwin’s.

A little more proactive and forward.

He led me as if he wanted to control my body and my mind.

I was dragged around helplessly because of him, but I didn’t avoid him or run away from him.

I didn’t want to run away.

I felt like I wanted to face him, even if it meant being pulled around.

A faint smile was engraved on Lennon’s face as he looked up.

After a long silence, the man in my dream spoke.

‘If what I feel for you is love, what will you do?’

I…

“… Llie, Ellie.”

I slowly opened my eyes in response to the wake-up call.

Then Hardwin’s emerald eyes came into view.

Oh, I woke up from my dream.

“We’ve arrived at the Count’s residence. Are you okay? You look tired.”

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

I blinked my eyes lazily.

I woke up from the dream, but Lennon’s words rang in my ears several times.

‘If what I feel for you is love, what will you do?’

If Lennon loves me, what am I supposed to do?

Can I love him too?

Should I love him?

Of course, Lennon had a certain dangerous air about him, but as far as I was concerned, he was a good person.

He had never done anything to harm me.

I also felt a pleasant flutter from him.

But that didn’t mean I felt obligated to accept his love or love him.

“What are you thinking? Did you have a nightmare?”

Hardwin looked at me as if asking why I wasn’t getting out of the carriage.

I parted my lips heavily.

“Hardwin.”

“Yeah.”

“Lennon followed me at the banquet earlier. He said he found the carriage that Hannah and I were in.”

“… … .”

“And he said that it doesn’t matter if I’m the fake Hannah. All he wanted to find was me. He said he could help us if we wanted to.”

Hardwin nodded, crossing his arms.

His face was somewhat stiff.

“What do you think?”

“I’m of the same opinion. I don’t trust Lennon. Much less than Lebrado who serves you as his master.”

“Oh.”

“What about you? Do you want to ask him for help?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t want to do anything that Hardwin doesn’t want. That’s my top priority.”

Hardwin’s face lit up with a bright smile at my answer.

“I’m glad.”

And with that, we stepped out of the carriage.

* * *

The day after the banquet passed quietly.

Hayden, who I thought might come looking for me late at night, did not appear.

It was almost unnerving.

The day after the banquet was a lazy afternoon with no rain.

In Hannah’s chambers, a letter arrived, breaking the quiet tea time between Hardwin and me.

“Count Phever, Lord Hardwin. A letter has arrived.”

Madeleine came into the room with the letter.

She handed it to Hardwin and left the room.

Hardwin opened the envelope and took out the paper inside.

His eyes looked busy as he read the text.

When he had finished reading the entire letter, I asked him.

“Hardwin. Who is this letter from?”

“My Uncle.”

I remembered what Hardwin had said.

‘Once upon a time… when my parents passed away young, my uncle came to our home and treated my sister and me very well. But he was secretly plotting to steal the county behind our backs.’

“The man who was aiming for the title of count?”

“Yes. He said he’s coming to visit after a long time, but he has no reason to come…”

A visit from Hardwin’s uncle, who had no reason to come.

At that moment, the person who suddenly came to mind was Lennon. He was as strangely quiet as Hayden.

If Lennon was involved in his uncle’s unexpected visit…

No.

That was too much of a guess.

I shook my head.

Hardwin sounded troubled.

“Ellie. Today, let’s practice being arrogant like Hannah.”

“Arrogant…?”

He confided in me the difficult situation he was in.

“Hannah was incredibly insolent in front of our uncle, to the point where it was almost embarrassing as a sibling.”

Arrogance.

“That’s a bit difficult.”

It might be more difficult than dancing perfectly.